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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Working and SEN children

130 replies

Merryoldgoat · 03/10/2022 08:48

I’m now rounding on week 3 of illness in my house and owing to kids’ SEN getting into work is near impossible. I fear goodwill is running out.

So a quick poll

YABU - I work full time or near enough with SEN children

YANBU - working with children with SEN is not possible for me

OP posts:
ewchoc · 03/10/2022 19:25

God this is depressing. I worked full time, was forced to leave when DS had to leave mainstream school. Now he's at a new school I'm planning to go back next week, have asked to drop down to 80% hours although not approved yet. Have been really stressed that I'm not going to be able to cope (again) and this thread is just confirming I'm right to worry.

Phineyj · 03/10/2022 19:27

Gosh, I can really relate to that, @Caramac555! I work as a secondary school teacher 3 days a week. One DC with ASD and PDA. She's doing well in a mainstream private primary. Pretty much my whole wage goes on fees plus all the extra stuff she needs from a health perspective. I really have to avoid any kind of promotion! Done 3 sideways moves now...

Our families are nice enough but don't really get it. We are lucky to have great friends.

I am worried about secondary transition.

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 03/10/2022 19:37

A family friend had this the situation and it became unbearable, she was trying to work full time and she nearly had a nervous breakdown but they needed 2 incomes to survive as neither of them earnt a huge amount and so they made the difficult decision to accept a boarding place for their son when he was 12 because nothing else would work and his behaviour was dreadful, the school he was in said they "could no longer meet his needs" and he broke his younger sisters' arm in a violent attack and so I do understand how it gets out of hand.

The neighbours heart the commotion and called the police and an ambulance and Social services were involved and said if they didn't accept the emergency placement they would remove the sister as it was affecting her quality of life.

3 years on

Mum and dad are happy with their daughter
Son is happy and settled and sees his family regularly

She was very worried everyone would judge but the neighbours intervening actually saved her

You have to do what is good for you and your family as no 2 situations are the same.

DONTMESSWITHMEDARNA · 03/10/2022 19:55

i HAD to become a carer and home educator due to both boys having complex needs each and neither sleeping. They are now 18 and 12 but nowhere near mentally and both need 24/7 care

i am a 24/7 lone carer as i get zero help from anyone and HAD to home educate as special schools don't exist here (rural valleys of south Wales) you go to the village school suitable or not.so as not i discovered the world of home education and my world became a million times better and easier

i haven't worked since 2003(pregnant with son 1) i gave up to be a SAHM then disabilities kicked in then son 2 came alone
i won't be working for many years yet as youngest is 12 but 5-6 years behind mentally and im alone

we get plenty of money to live on

lapasion · 03/10/2022 19:59

I do. But only just getting back into full time and DS is 10. I’ve freelanced part time since he was about 2 and his problems appeared.

I work remotely most of the time and he gets a taxi to and from school as the only suitable school for him is 45 minutes away. He’s able to entertain himself from 3.30 to 5 when he gets home, which is lucky because he does not tolerate after school clubs.

However, even with an understanding job it’s very hard. I’m often emotionally drained and have endless calls to the school, need to sort out appointments etc. Plus DS will occasionally come home feeling combative and we’ll have a bad day. Honestly, I don’t blame any SEN parent for staying at home. It’s so so hard.

Foodielady · 03/10/2022 20:03

YANBU at all. I have worked full time, part time and not at all since my DCs were born. Both managed during primary school but struggled during Covid, and have been diagnosed with SEN at secondary school. (DC1 has ADHD, hearing impairment and dyscalculia, DC2 has ASD and anxiety). Both have needed huge amounts of support, both in terms of appointments and generally at home. My younger DC was on a heavily reduced timetable last year and was only in for core subjects.

It would have been impossible to manage a job when I was needed to go back and forward to school several times a day. My DH works very long hours and so isn’t able to help during the day. We have no family close by either. We are extremely fortunate that I can be SAHM for the moment at least.

Unless you are a parent of an SEN child it is so hard to understand how stressful each day is and how quickly things can change. Sometimes you you have to just drop everything for your child and employers don’t always get that.

Lulumo · 03/10/2022 20:09

Seems I’m not the only one working to pay school fees so my DS can get a mainstream education. DS wouldnt tolerate any form of childcare I worked in schools when be was younger and term time only jobs. Now I have a WFH PT job which is great as he is now a teenager as he hates being home on his own and really don’t honk is responsible enough. I need a new job now as I think my subsidiary will close and I’m frightened I can’t won’t be able to find anything suitable. Also I now have substantial health issues, I think partly due to the stress of living in an autistic family.

crumpetswithjam · 03/10/2022 20:09

I don't work and claim carers allowance, which is a pretty shitty wage for what I have to do.

I do the school runs, admin (last week it was blue badge renewal, application for school transport, phone calls with speech therapy, sorting new school for DD), shopping, meals, clean up all manner of unspeakable crap, am the on call person for when they're ill/off school and general life admin shit.

It's a full time job.

Ximenean · 03/10/2022 20:14

@Rinoachicken nailed it back on P1 "Anyone that judges a parent of a SEN child for not being able to work full time, or at all, is a twat. The support required to facilitate it just does not exist."

Also it varies over time. Working part time has been possible for me in the past, but it isn't at the moment. Maybe I'd be a bit less broken if I'd caved and given up sooner.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 03/10/2022 20:15

I've just got a job, start at the end of the month. First time I've worked since ds was little and he's almost 10

It's only 20 hours a week for now though and only one day a week is office based . It's really flexible after training or I don't think I'd manage

Morph22010 · 03/10/2022 20:18

We both work full time with one Sen child in special school but it’s only possible as things have aligned for us at the minute work wise, dh does early start and finish and does pick up and I do school drop off so we don’t need any outside childcare as that would be impossible to find. I went full time from Jan preciously 4 days, it doesn’t feel sustainable long term

Trinity69 · 03/10/2022 20:18

I haven't voted in the poll because I don't know my answer yet.

I start a new job on Wednesday (full time but term time only) and only then will I know if it works for us.

I've been part time since 2013 and had planned to be back in full time work 3 years ago, but life likes to throw a curve ball and as my son got older, his SEN became apparent and we have gone through school refusal and a variety of other struggles.
Different things work for different people and only you will know if full time is achievable or not. Whatever you end up doing, there is no right or wrong, you have to do what works for your family.

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 03/10/2022 20:21

I work part time Monday to Friday and the amount of time I need to give back due to appointment etc is killing me.

we can’t win. I need to work, I want to work but having an asn child needs a lot more time and attention than most employers are willing to give or are able to understand.

coldcaff · 03/10/2022 20:30

I work school hours in a nursery. DS is 13 and has additional needs, he can't be at home alone for any length of time but there's no childcare provision for him either. I can't see that I'll be able to work more hours for a good few years yet!

coldcaff · 03/10/2022 20:31

I should also add that my boss is very understanding with regards to his appointments etc which makes a massive difference.

VivienneDelacroix · 03/10/2022 20:34

I didn't vote because two of my children are autistic - one in particular has a lot of difficulties. I do work full-time, but it's a massive struggle. My youngest cannot access childcare outside of school hours,as there just is no provider who can meet her needs locally - so life is one huge juggle and it is massively stressful.

However we need the money and I love my job and would feel I had lost part of me without it.
But YANBU, it's relentless hard work.

PlainJaneSuperBrain99 · 03/10/2022 20:36

Yanbu and it's really validating to read your post, so thank you.

I work but freelance to fit around son with ASD. He couldn't cope with wrap around care/holiday clubs, and has above average school absences. If I had a 'proper' job, I'm pretty sure I'd have been sacked by now.

anniewaitsevenlonger · 03/10/2022 20:38

I'm in the middle - work part time from home mostly during school hours with a bit in the evening as needed. Previously I was full time out of the home and it was awful. Something had to give. DD has significant needs and attends an SEN school so I hope to keep working as long as possible but suspect that may not be feasible to continue when she is secondary/adult and am resigned to eventually giving up on career and becoming a carer.

BabbleBee · 03/10/2022 20:39

I’m a nurse and gave up my career because it was impossible to work shifts and care for DD. I did a return to practice course a couple of years ago once she was settled into secondary school naively thinking I could work too. It took a long while but I eventually found a job which I also enjoyed… the unsocial hours were tiring but I was so happy to be back. I’ve just lost that job thanks to long Covid and cannot find anything else that fits with caring commitments too. DD will always be priority but I’m so worried about our future without my income.

AloysiusBear · 03/10/2022 20:42

It depends on the child & your family set up, no?

My friends both work full time. One of their DC is disabled. I think its possible because:

  • they are high earners so can afford to shop around to get the right childcare
  • DC disability is physical & cognitive but DC is not (at present) challenging behaviour wise, they are at mainstream school with support
  • they aren't called into school more than most other parents
  • they are both very senior with flex to work from home occasionally etc.
  • they BOTH pitch in to make it work.
HairyMaclary · 03/10/2022 20:51

I work ft, I’ve been part time for years and went ft 2.5 years ago. DS is nearly 18 and to everyone else is doing well but I started the conversation today about reducing to 0.8 again.
DH and I both have the capacity to flex although my job is a bit less flexible and we pay for a lot of help. However the high levels of stress from keeping everything going (including help) is not conducive to a calm household which is what DS really needs, and will need well into adulthood.

Cass81 · 04/10/2022 07:05

I have 2 children with sen both at specialist school. I did work up until they were 2 and 3 and their disabilities became more difficult - I was a primary school teacher so the constant calls to collect from nursery and frequency hospital admissions and appointments made teaching impossible, my children are 6 and 7 now with a range of issues sleeping being a major problem. The eldest sleeps roughly 2-3 hours a night if I’m lucky, both doubly Incontinent so lots of washing etc. I’ve just signed up to complete my masters degree (part time home study) in the hope of retraining as an Ed psych so I can use my teaching experience but in a more flexible way (hoping to be back working when they reach secondary age).

NotMeNoNo · 04/10/2022 07:13

We struggle on but it's very much a 2 handed effort between DH and I. He owns his business and I have a flexible employer. I worked 3.5 days/ week for most of the school years, only got back to FT since Covid and they have now got to 16 and are out of school. So I'd say yes you may be able to work FT but with a lot of help and favourable circumstances.

yomellamoHelly · 04/10/2022 07:19

I couldn't work. Even discounting everything I was doing all day, every day, day in and day out, for ds, I was simply too mentally exhausted from carrying the load to spare any headspace for anything else at all - intelligent or not

urrrgh46 · 04/10/2022 07:23

My SEN children don't cope in school. I could fight very hard and get an EOATS budget but it's not worth the hassle imo so I home educate. I get DLA and carers allowance for 1 child. Need to go through the process and claim DLA for one of the others.