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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Working and SEN children

130 replies

Merryoldgoat · 03/10/2022 08:48

I’m now rounding on week 3 of illness in my house and owing to kids’ SEN getting into work is near impossible. I fear goodwill is running out.

So a quick poll

YABU - I work full time or near enough with SEN children

YANBU - working with children with SEN is not possible for me

OP posts:
bluebellcushion · 03/10/2022 11:28

bluebellcushion · 03/10/2022 11:27

We can only have 1 person working full time. The other has to be self employed and totally flexible around the child's needs, appointments and SEN school runs.

Should also say, the flexible one had to give up a very well paying full time job, be unpaid for a year or two and then set up a business to achieve this.

VikingLady · 03/10/2022 11:54

I home educate because my kids have SEN, plus childcare costs for wraparound care would be astronomical. We worked out I'd need to earn a minimum of £40k. But that was before I realised school wouldn't work for the kids anyway.

If you can possibly manage it, home ed can really help lower everyone's stress levels. And you can eventually work something part time or self employed around the edges.

Sirzy · 03/10/2022 11:56

I had to give up work, between DS Sen and his complex medical needs I had no choice.

working was impossible between all his appointments and illnesses and that’s before the sorting of medications and fighting for things side of things.

i would love to return to work but it’s not feesible

Backtonormalnow · 03/10/2022 12:20

I had to give up work when I became a single parent.

I had two dc with special needs in two different schools with different start and end times and it was a logistical nightmare with childcare. Neither of them could do breakfast or after school clubs. Then they were both out of school and tutored at home for two years each! (Different years and it was nearly four years in total.) They were regularly sent home for various reasons (still are even though they are teens) and they can’t be left alone. Not to mention as pps have said all the appointments and meetings etc.

I loved my job and miss it every day.

Mumofsend · 03/10/2022 12:22

I have two with SEN. I can't work.

legophoenix · 03/10/2022 12:26

YANBU - can't make it work. Every time things get close to normal, something happens and I'm back to square one.
However......I do know people who have made it work but their kids can manage in school/clubs. Depends on the child.

saraclara · 03/10/2022 12:29

It was extremely rare for any mothers of the children in my special school classes to work full time (if at all). The only one I can think of was a teacher herself, but whose mum lived around the corner and basically acted as a third parent to the one very autistic and non-verbal lad.

Several parents were like a pp, and were basically working night shifts with their non-sleeping and meltdowning kids, so if their kids were ill we'd do everything we could to keep them at school, so that the mum could sleep in the day. We pretty much took that approach in general, actually, because we knew school was the only break that the parents got.

bluebellcushion · 03/10/2022 12:33

In mainstream the wraparound care and after school clubs wouldn't accept our DS (that's when they weren't excluding him or putting him on a 1 hour a day reduced timetable)

At SEN school, they don't phone every 5 mins and send him home so it's all much more stable but they don't run wraparound care as most children travel by transport but this has to be sent to the home address not a childminder etc. Our taxi ride is quite short so someone has to be at home between 8.30 and 3.30. Very hard.

nomoreflyingfucks · 03/10/2022 12:37

it's not just physical health ,my son is extremely healthy ,but at 12 has the cognitive abilities of maybe a 3 year old, this is not going to improve and he needs full 1:1 care at all times.
X2boys I didn't mention physical or cognitive difficulties, SEN is a very broad range of difficulties/ disabilities/ spectrums etc.
My dd is autistic, I am now able to work full time, but couldn't have worked full time during her early years, and when She hits teenage years I may well have to reduce my hours, however I'm fully aware that other parents would find it near impossible to work any paid hours at all.
My point being it's impossible to answer op's question because there is a huge variation in SEN.
The one thing I imagine we all have in common though are the enormous amount of appointments we have to take our DC to, and that is very hard to juggle if working mon-fri 9-5 type jobs.

NotEnoughTime · 03/10/2022 12:41

💐for you Merryoldgoat.

We have two DC-one of our DC has Autism, ADHD and Anxiety. My DH works full time and I work part time. I enjoy my job and it is much easier for me at work than it is at home.

We have no family support so it can be very hard going at times. My DH and I are permanently exhausted.

Our SEN DC is now a teenager so while it is easier physically it is harder mentally. He attends a special school now which makes life easier as school are more understanding of issues so that helps a lot.

Please be easy on yourself-you are doing a very tough job 😊

threegoodthings · 03/10/2022 12:46

DD11 is autistic but independent, goes to mainstream school etc. Previously would have been described as high functioning/aspergers.

Even I don't feel that I could work full time as she needs a lot of support getting ready for school, managing meltdowns etc, and again when she gets home she needs me here. I therefore work part time from home during the school day which is perfect.

I imagine it would be very difficult for parents of a child with more severe SEN to work full time.

TheSoapyFrog · 03/10/2022 12:50

I don't work. Both my twins have SEN. One doesn't have much in the way of additional needs, and I could potentially put him in breakfast and after school clubs and holiday clubs, and work full time, and he would be fine.
My other boy has high levels of complex needs and there are no such facilities available for him. I'd have to pay someone with specialist training, and they'd probably earn more in an hour than I would.

Turnaroundandigone · 03/10/2022 12:50

Yanbu

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 03/10/2022 12:59

Thank you everyone.

I can’t afford not to work but I think I need to make some changes as the disruption is driving me to breaking point.

OP posts:
peopleornot · 03/10/2022 13:06

I can't work even part time. It isn't possible.

My DC falls asleep around midnight. Up at 3am.

I use the time he's at school to sleep. If he isn't at school, so every holiday for weeks at a time sometimes, I don't sleep more than 2 hours. Every day. Until he returns to school

We have respite funding but nobody to do it so it's useless.

Honestly I feel like such a lazy layabout. I go into my local shops etc when he's at school a lot of the time, and people must think I'm right scum of the earth just doing nothing with my life Sad

When school ends eventually for him post 19, I don't know what I'll do. Or what will be available. Even if he eventually needs to be in residential, as horrific a decision that'll be for me to make, I'll be fucked. All benefits will stop at that point and I wouldn't have worked in years. It's just shit.

I do wish I carried on my with nursing training after he was born. I could've at least been a qualified nurse and kept my foot in the door somehow

peopleornot · 03/10/2022 13:07

Sorry just realised I waffled on about myself OP Blush

But it s a huge YANBU from me! Be kind to yourself

wejammin · 03/10/2022 13:11

I voted YABU as I have a DS (10) with ASD and I work full time, but YANBU if you don't work full time or at all. I'm completely knackered, my home is a total bombsite and my other kids are probably borderline neglected (joke, sort of). I'm sure life would be easier in some ways if I worked less but also I can to some extent throw money at stuff like sensory equipment, holidays he will enjoy, etc. I should also say he is in mainstream school, verbal and has no specific learning disabilities so he would be classed as "high functioning" (don't agree with the term but you know what I mean).

BogRollBOGOF · 03/10/2022 13:13

It's not impossible for me to work, but at present the best lifestyle is for me to be a SAHM so no wrap around care is required. DS is burned out after masking at school all day and it's best for his wellbeing to come home and have quiet time. He currently also needs support getting to/ from secondary school.

My old career isn't suitable and my brain would not cope with WFH. There are few practical, meaningful options and being avaliable at home is the happiest practical option.

Ironically, it's DS2 that's being a greater issue. He had an injury late last school year that made his attendance very erratic, and that's now followed up by a flare-up of a regular health condition. Being able to pick him up within 5 minutes has been rather handy.

JustLyra · 03/10/2022 13:19

I had the ideal job in terms of childcare - I worked school hours school term. Had to give it up when the extent of my youngest DD’s SEN became more and more apparent.

It was just impossible to combine the amount of care she needs with working.

BumbleShyBee · 03/10/2022 13:23

It's so hard. I was a SAHM for 8 years but had to go back to work to pay for eldest's (ASD level 2/3) therapy. Now both DH and I work full-time but I work 100% from home and in a role that I'm too senior for. It's amazingly flexible and if I don't get work done, I can usually finish it by working into the night. The stress is immense and I'm hoping to go part-time in the near future.

PeachMelba78 · 03/10/2022 13:26

I work full time, my wife also works, part time.
However, we also have a nanny who does school runs, helps with homework and is generally a de facto 3rd mum.
I also WFH most days and can pop in to see my kids if there is an issue.
Still super stressful but I couldn’t cope without our nanny, she’s worth every penny!

DomesticBlisters · 03/10/2022 13:31

We have two SEN kids and it wouldn't be possible for me to work a job which was outside of school hours because they just wouldn't manage after school clubs, childminders or holiday clubs. Therefore work for myself, I have a Etsy business which makes a part time wage sometimes.

I wish I could earn more but right now that's just not doable.

Lindy2 · 03/10/2022 13:37

I work part time from home and have a very understanding boss.

Normal office hours or even having to be based in an office would be practically impossible or at least very awkward because of the times I need to leave at short notice.

DD is 14 now and I did think it might be easier to work more as she got older. Actually it's even harder as her SEN and plus teenage emotions etc do not make for an easy combination.

She does receive DLA which helps cover some costs and offset a little bit of the fact my work hours/job have a limited earnings.

PaulineFowlersCardigan · 03/10/2022 13:38

It’s so different for everyone’s there’s no right answer. But for me personally, I had to give up work over 2 years ago as my 12yr ds who has asd, Poland Syndrome and spd, simply couldn’t cope in school. They were phoning me within 10mins of him being in as he couldn’t cope.
He has severe anxiety, and covid and moving to secondary was the final nail in the coffin.
I now homeschool whilst waiting for any help to find a more suitable place for his needs (that’s a whole other thread right there!) and I’ve just applied for a job working nights to try to cope with the bill rises as my dh can’t manage everything.
But I do wonder how I’m going to get any sleep in the daytimes as there’s never a moment he feels ‘safe’ without me..
I have 3 adult dds, and only realised since having my gorgeous boy what a lonely, isolating experience having a sen child can be.
Sorry, that was a lot of words simply to say you are not being unreasonable! We’re all just doing the best we can do, with the very little support there is x

DelurkingAJ · 03/10/2022 13:41

Utterly depends. DS1 as ASD (diagnosed) but is a compliant dream for school. Meltdowns are reserved for home and very occasionally the childminder. But he’s one child and doesn’t represent SEN children who are all different!