Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DS meet up with someone online?

54 replies

ladus · 02/10/2022 19:38

I know these days teens (and some adults) meet each other online etc but I can't help but be a bit concerned.

DS is 17, he has ADHD and suspected autism which makes him vulnerable. He's said he's been texting a boy (16) on Instagram since about July and they're now good friends, and this boy has listened to everything DS has to say and he seems to understand him, DS wants to meet him. My issue is this boy only has 1 picture of himself on his instagram and he doesn't look 16 at all, they've never called but DS has said this doesn't matter as they've texted nearly everyday since July.

I've said no to them meeting just yet but I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Imissmoominmama · 02/10/2022 19:40

Could you go too- give him a lift?

It does sound dodgy.

Cantthinkofadifferentname · 02/10/2022 19:40

Could you go with him and meet the person DS is meeting, and go and sit in a coffee shop for an hour?

yougotthelook · 02/10/2022 19:41

ladus · 02/10/2022 19:38

I know these days teens (and some adults) meet each other online etc but I can't help but be a bit concerned.

DS is 17, he has ADHD and suspected autism which makes him vulnerable. He's said he's been texting a boy (16) on Instagram since about July and they're now good friends, and this boy has listened to everything DS has to say and he seems to understand him, DS wants to meet him. My issue is this boy only has 1 picture of himself on his instagram and he doesn't look 16 at all, they've never called but DS has said this doesn't matter as they've texted nearly everyday since July.

I've said no to them meeting just yet but I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing.

AIBU?

No! Sounds very dodgy to me!

pensionconfusion · 02/10/2022 19:41

You are doing the right thing.

I find it strange that they have never spoken on the phone after all this time.

If he is determined to meet you could always go along but stay in the background but like you I would discourage meeting if you are worried.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 02/10/2022 19:47

I think you're right to be cautious. Read up on the case of Breck Brednar, it's chilling.

You can't stop your son, but you can give him.pointers to look out for, and maybe be around in the background.

My DS at 18 flew to Sweden to meet up.with someone he'd "met" online. They had a great time, but I was worried sick.

Cw112 · 02/10/2022 19:47

I'd be inclined to try and arrange a face time ahead of meeting in person so you can sus it out a bit more. I'd also want to be around while they meet. Like if they go to McDonald's you could go and get a separate table where you can see them without being in their space and I'd introduce myself when dropping off so you can see what you think in person as well and check it's who it is supposed to be. Have a plan in place for DS like a code word/emoji he can text you if he's feeling like he wants to leave. I figure better they meet with you present if there's any chance of your son meeting them in his own time alone? But I'd raise the concerns with DS and what to look out for in terms of online safety and the red flags you're seeing so he knows what to look out for as well. If it's really sitting uneasy with you then you can still say no, however I'd revisit some online stuff like never sending pics of your face and body/ never sharing your full name and address etc etc so he's safe while chatting online.

LynetteScavo · 02/10/2022 20:03

I would want to say a flat NO, but would be worried DS would go ahead anyway. I think finding a compromise like meeting in McDonald's with you nearby is possibly the best idea.

lanthanum · 02/10/2022 20:04

I think you are right to be very cautious. Two months is not long, and it could easily be someone taking advantage of him.

DD has been friends online with someone for about 2.5 years, but they have both been very cautious. We're now reasonably certain that she is who she says she is - although they are still using pseudonyms rather than giving each other personal details. It does help that they are on different continents, which means meeting up is not too much of a temptation.

ThreeblackCats · 02/10/2022 20:07

I’ve heard some real horror stories about strangers, (even two men) meeting from chat groups.
Don’t tell your son he can’t meet his friend, but do take him to meet his friend and sit on the next table, obviously somewhere very public.

Igmum · 02/10/2022 20:18

Can you go with him? And perhaps speak to his friend's mum first? It's a bit different but my DD16 has been friends with a 15 yo girl online for nearly a year. We all met this summer - I spoke to and messaged her mum a few times first. It could be legitimate and if it isn't your involvement will scare this guy off.

QuitWhileAhead · 02/10/2022 20:19

Hasn't he ever watched Catfish!!!

holidaytimeatlast · 02/10/2022 20:19

Came on to recommend resources and advice from the Breck Foundation too: www.breckfoundation.org/breck-resources

Warning: it is upsetting

ichimedin · 02/10/2022 20:20

You can’t really say no at 17

Lindy2 · 02/10/2022 20:21

Could you get your son to watch "Breck's Last Game". Just Google it and you'll get the video to watch. There's a version for young teens and another, more harrowing, for older kids.

I got my young teen with ADHD to watch the younger version to explain to her why caution was needed. All school children here watch these videos at Secondary School. Breck lived nearby.

If he understands why caution is needed but still wants to meet you can both agree a safe way to do it. I'd go for a public place and you being there too but perhaps outside or at another table.

Sunnyqueen · 02/10/2022 20:30

Urgh I wouldn't like it at all. I would say have a video convo first then meet in public and don't go back to his place or anywhere private!

AlwaysGinPlease · 02/10/2022 20:31

Do NOT let him go alone. Google similar. Horrific.

Bananaman123 · 02/10/2022 20:31

Break Bednar immediately came to mind too

AlwaysGinPlease · 02/10/2022 20:39

@ichimedin of course she can. Have you googled the consequences?! If not, you should.

HikingforScenery · 02/10/2022 20:42

A flat ‘NO’ is the wrong way to go about it. What if he arranges to meet him behind your back? I’m sure my initial reaction would be same as yours but the better option is driving him to meet him and asking him to arrange the meet in a public place. E.g a restaurant, etc.

It’s such a tricky situation.

Delilahonabike · 02/10/2022 21:02

My DD has a group of online friends from a special interest group she's in, all similar ages to your DS. Prior to any meeting being suggested I had seen and spoken to them all on video chats and spoken to all but one of their parents, it would have been a flat no to meeting irl otherwise.

First meet up we picked a bowling alley/arcade type place and basically followed them round at a distance to make sure DD was safe. It's a bit more relaxed now, we meet in a city a fair way from home and they go off and do their own thing, DH and I do the same and then we meet at an agreed place, there's usually phone contact inbetween too. I do think it can be done safely but I would want to know a lot more about this lad before your DS met him and I wouldn't let him go alone.

ichimedin · 02/10/2022 21:03

AlwaysGinPlease · 02/10/2022 20:39

@ichimedin of course she can. Have you googled the consequences?! If not, you should.

could you have been told no at 17? I couldn’t. Neither could my friends. I wouldn’t tell my very nearly adult DC ‘no you can’t leave the house’ at 17

TokyoTen · 02/10/2022 21:03

I'd say he should face time for a few times first, with cameras on, then meet in person - but you must be there. I'm sorry OP that sounds really tough, I can see he'll want to meet his friend, but the friend could be anyone with any motive.

Frazzled2207 · 02/10/2022 21:05

he needs to FaceTime him first and I’d be even more worried if the friend refused to do that

redbigbananafeet · 02/10/2022 21:07

FaceTime is an excellent idea. With you listening in the background for the age of the voice and ask your son to take a screenshot of his face during the call. If he won't FaceTime then he is indeed suspect. It's unusual for a 16/17 year old to only have 1 online photo. Teenagers LOVE FaceTime and many use it in preference to phone calls. Listen to your gut x

VisitingThem · 02/10/2022 21:10

So many people meet online these days, you can't really stop him but he needs to video call the person first to make sure they are who they say they are. A profile with just one picture does sound like a red flag, although not everyone is into uploading pics constantly.