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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to school and demand the money back?

89 replies

AmIThatMam · 02/10/2022 17:35

I’ll try to do the short version-DH found DS11 empty wallet in his school bag. He asked why is it in there and why is it empty?
reply was - you know I bought that (random toy) off my friend.
(last week he came home with (random toy) and said he’d bought it off a friend for £7- we told him he’s not to take money to school and not to buy things from friends, to come and speak to us.)
so husband said - well you had more than £25 so where’s the rest.
son said he’s given it to a friend - hubby asked what for - he said a ‘donation’. Hubby comes and tells me so I asked son to come and explain to me. He says he gave it to ‘Sam’ I said well I’m calling Sam’s mum as I want to know what’s gone on- son says ‘please don’t please no! I gave it to ‘Luke’ for ‘his crush’ - who is Luke? - child in my form-
he started to cry, I asked did he threaten you- no, what was the conversation? He’s just asked me for £15.
so round and round in circles, son says not being bullied, Nothing else going on, just wanted the money I gave it to him. I’m sorry I won’t do it again etc.
WIBU to go in/contact school to see what the fuck is going on? Why is this kid asking for money? Can I get it back?
what could they do if anything?
for background, he’s in year 7, gone from small village school to massive academy. ‘Luke’ is not known to us and never been mentioned before.
DS is a young 11, shy around people he doesn’t know, small for his age, not into sports, a bit of a mumbler and a people pleaser.
He lied about the bus being late the other day and went to the park (he’s allowed to go to the park and couldn’t explain why he lied).
if you’ve got this far thanks for reading! Any advice greatly received!

OP posts:
Gilm0reGirl · 02/10/2022 18:43

My nephews and nieces all have accounts instead, I think go Henry are the ones they use. Their parents get notifications of any transactions about to happen, they can also block them etc. might be worth looking at as it'll be easier to
Monitor and it almost gives your son a bit more responsibility and it'll help him build confidence, because it'll be seen as a more grown up thing to have. It doesn't fix the behaviour from these boys but it just might be a way to help avoid it happening again.

Original poster
AmIThatMam · 02/10/2022 18:46

Sylvaniandream · 02/10/2022 18:39

Definitely go straight to school. I would bypass form tutor and ask to see safeguarding lead. Explain the missing money and dubious explanation, plus the very strange behaviour of lying and going to the park. Your child has at best a bit naive, or has fallen in with some dodgy friends, and at worst is being bullied and manipulated and is afraid to go to school. Don't worry about getti g the mo ey back. Tell your child that's irrelevant now, and be more interested in finding out why he gave it away and who to, and why he skipped school. Lots of hugs and reassurance because he will be feeling something on a scale from embarrassment to shame to terror, depending on what has really happened. Keep the lines of communication open.

Sorry I wasn’t clear - he said the bus was late on the way home, but he’s gone to the park ( so that’s why he wasn’t home yet) it’s weird navies he could have just said I’m going to the park- we do let him do that after school.
so he hasn’t skipped school but I agree communicating as a family is key. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
AmIThatMam · 02/10/2022 18:50

KylieCharlene · 02/10/2022 18:27

Whenever Luke or one of Luke's pals is after a few quid they'll be banking on your ds.
I'd contact the HoY in the morning and ask for a meeting.

Yes this is a worry. Thank you

OP posts:
cathcath2 · 02/10/2022 18:50

I would definitely contact school. As PPs have suggested, there may be a situation there that you are not aware of and it all adds puzzle pieces. At the very least, it means extra adults keeping an eye on your son to try to weed out any bullying/impromptu shops.

Sallydimebar · 02/10/2022 19:07

There’s no harm in asking form tutor for call she will know more about Luke .
It could be a close friend but he won’t say if he knows you can contact parent so just gave some random name .

It becomes difficult in high school as form teacher may only see them for 10mins each morning and wont really know who he’s with break and lunch unlike primary who have idea of friend group.

Vapes as pp said loads at sons school walk past all vaping and all years . I would make sure he has no more access to money for time being . I don’t think school can be responsible for getting money back . It’s a difficult one but he can’t give what he doesn’t have so that’s the 1st step .

friends son in year 7 gave all his spends out to friends on school trip wasn’t bullied for it , it seems one asked then another he just didn’t say no .

OldFan · 02/10/2022 19:08

What is an 11 year old child doing with £25 that accessible to them, and taking it to school? I understand they might have savings I guess. Perhaps put any savings he has in a bank or lockable box so they're safe. Definitely not in a wallet that he can take to school.

Original poster
AmIThatMam · 02/10/2022 19:12

OldFan · 02/10/2022 19:08

What is an 11 year old child doing with £25 that accessible to them, and taking it to school? I understand they might have savings I guess. Perhaps put any savings he has in a bank or lockable box so they're safe. Definitely not in a wallet that he can take to school.

He’d saved his pocket money and has a wallet in his bedside table. He then uses it if he wants sweets/games etc. I agree it shouldn’t have been taken to school we weren’t aware he had it in his bag. It’s been confiscated now and any pocket money he earns will be kept by is until he wants to spend it.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmIThatMam · 02/10/2022 19:14

Sallydimebar · 02/10/2022 19:07

There’s no harm in asking form tutor for call she will know more about Luke .
It could be a close friend but he won’t say if he knows you can contact parent so just gave some random name .

It becomes difficult in high school as form teacher may only see them for 10mins each morning and wont really know who he’s with break and lunch unlike primary who have idea of friend group.

Vapes as pp said loads at sons school walk past all vaping and all years . I would make sure he has no more access to money for time being . I don’t think school can be responsible for getting money back . It’s a difficult one but he can’t give what he doesn’t have so that’s the 1st step .

friends son in year 7 gave all his spends out to friends on school trip wasn’t bullied for it , it seems one asked then another he just didn’t say no .

He definitely could have just asked and he gave it to him, it’s just strange he got upset. Upset he’s been caught in a lie, upset as he knows he shouldn’t have taken the money in? Upset because there’s more going on? I just don’t know.

OP posts:
BCBird · 02/10/2022 19:15

I am a teacher and form tutor of a y7 form. I would advise you to contact the school asap. The Head of Yr will no doubt investigate. Ad for demanding the money back, that is not reasonable. Hope you get some resolution. As for your son lying re bus, i would be asking why did he do this?

toomuchlaundry · 02/10/2022 19:31

School won't be able to give you the parents details. They might be able to give your details to the other parents if you are happy for your details to be passed on.

Parents meeting when something has happened between children rarely goes well, I would assume they will try and sort out between the boys, and let parents know individually what is happening

Toomanypuddings · 02/10/2022 19:34

This happened to a boy at my school- other children were bullying him and getting him to buy them things at lunchtime and then his prepaid card ran out really quickly and he had no money to buy lunch with.

For the people calling you helicoptery- it might be the personality of her DS that makes the OP more like this. Some are born confident and some aren’t!

Encourage him to be open and confide in you but I’d definitely speak to the school. He could have spent it all on himself but there might be something else going on.

Sallydimebar · 02/10/2022 19:36

Well I would definitely make them aware just in case some other yr 7 making a quick money fix .
They could mention it in year assembly, a little reminder no money to brought into school , no selling items in school time . Not singling your Ds out then .

All money at our school is done on parent pay so no cash needed in school . Then up to parent if they need it for before or after .

Its a big jump for some and takes a little time to become a little more confident in a bigger school. Hope all gets sorted .

GladysGeorgina · 02/10/2022 19:45

Secondary pastoral and safeguarding lead here. Your son’s school should definitely be interested in this. We would investigate if a y7 had been “persuaded” to buy another kid lunch, let alone parting with money. I would recommend speaking to his head of year asap.

mathanxiety · 02/10/2022 19:45

You need to get to the bottom of why your son mumbles and is such a people pleaser, and why he might be tempted to buy friends.

You can't fix all of that just by giving him pep talks.

Something is amiss.

slashlover · 02/10/2022 19:47

How come every single child on here is young for their age, innocent, sensitive and more naive than average?

AbreathofFrenchair · 02/10/2022 19:51

He's heading towards that age where they start to keep secrets and want more independence. Could it be something simple like he has spent it on sweets, didn't want to tell you and panicked and made up a lie? I have a very open relationship with my child but he likes having what he thinks are secrets. I know he spends a fiver a week on sweets and eats them and I don't say a word and he thinks I don't know. I let him.

Vaping is massively popular with teens at the minute and they all seem to spend their money on those, could it be that?

It is hard though letting them go but it's all steps towards getting independence, learning how to deal with situations and managing themselves.

Might be worth emailing his Tutor to see if everything is ok at school or whether there are signs of bullying going on

Toomanypuddings · 02/10/2022 20:00

@slashlover

probably because those are the children that parents worry about?

NotJustAnybody · 02/10/2022 20:11

I think this is a hard lesson for your DS to learn. Don't take money into school and don't give it away. I suspect that the other lad saw him buy the item off his friend and noticed the extra cash and simply asked him for it.
My DS will buy his mates online games, buy them drinks/snacks when they are out. His reasoning, I have the money and they don't. While I know these kids and don't think for one minute they are bullying him, they are obviously taking advantage. I've explained it to him and he is less generous now but I think he'll always have a soft heart. He's Yr9. If you honestly feel he is being bullied then by all means contact school but I'd be inclined to put it down to experience and take charge of his money for now. He can't give away what he doesn't have.

cc1997 · 02/10/2022 20:17

I would definitely get the school to look into this. Huge red flags for bullying and abuse here.

I would also sit your son down tomorrow and ask him if there's anything he wants to tell you, leave it open to him, but assure him school will be investigating if he doesn't tell the full truth.

An 11 year old shouldn't have access to his money if he can't be trusted with it, so I'd remove that for a few years.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 02/10/2022 20:37

Tricky being an 11 year old. Don't be hard on him or yourself.
Contact whoever does pastoral for him ( in dds school it's done by house). Explain it exactly as you have here. They may be able to work out who it is. And they may be able to help your son with strategies to deal with life in secondary school.

Original poster
AmIThatMam · 02/10/2022 21:06

slashlover · 02/10/2022 19:47

How come every single child on here is young for their age, innocent, sensitive and more naive than average?

Maybe people with super confident over achievers don’t need help from strangers on the internet?

OP posts:
Pl242 · 02/10/2022 21:07

My kids are younger but thinking back to what worked on me when I was that age would have been my mum saying “look, you tell us what’s really gone on here - we won’t be as cross as knowing the truth compared to being lied to - because if you aren’t open with us, then we’ll definitely be going to the school with what you’ve told us to get to the bottom of this “. Either he’s hiding something off he’s done or he’s trying to protect a bully. But you need to get to the facts and then go from there I think.

Original poster
AmIThatMam · 02/10/2022 21:14

He’s explained now that (as a pp
predicted) ‘ Luke’ has seen DS giving cash to ‘Sam’ and said ‘if you give me that money, I’ll tell you who my crush is’ DS has no interest in crushes so has just done this to be friendly/thinks he looks good / who knows?! He said 2 of his friends (who I know) were also there but that no one else gave him money. I said I’m going to have to speak to his tutor about it. He asked me not to name anyone. I said - would luke be cross if he found out? He said yes I think so. I said I’d have to name him but ask the teacher just to be aware not bring it up. Then if Luke does something like this again, the teacher will know he’s got form for it and act. I’ve told him he doesn’t need to be scared of Luke, he’s just a child, like him. Thanks for all the advice. I’ve emailed the school to ask for contact details for the tutor.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 02/10/2022 21:21

I would definitely contact the school to discuss. Name the boys your son mentioned.

It sounds as if your son is too scraed of repercussions from the bullies, to admit being coerced to part with money, thinly disguised as " donations" or "purchases" . There are likely to be other victims and the school needs to investigate

KoalaCape · 02/10/2022 21:21

Teacher here and 10 years experience of form tutor, head of year, SLT etc. Please do tell the school (form tutor) as it may end up being very important about the other boys. For all you know previous accusations have been made against Luke, perhaps Luke has SEND, maybe he has form for bullying at primary school and so on. It could also be something completely innocent and your DS may open up to a teacher.

Does your DS do any clubs or activities outside of school where they could build confidence? Team sport is good just because the nature of it is to communicate with others but cadets, Scouts etc all teach interpersonal skills.