To go to school and demand the money back?

[AmIThatMam]

I’ll try to do the short version-DH found DS11 empty wallet in his school bag. He asked why is it in there and why is it empty?
reply was - you know I bought that (random toy) off my friend.
(last week he came home with (random toy) and said he’d bought it off a friend for £7- we told him he’s not to take money to school and not to buy things from friends, to come and speak to us.)
so husband said - well you had more than £25 so where’s the rest.
son said he’s given it to a friend - hubby asked what for - he said a ‘donation’. Hubby comes and tells me so I asked son to come and explain to me. He says he gave it to ‘Sam’ I said well I’m calling Sam’s mum as I want to know what’s gone on- son says ‘please don’t please no! I gave it to ‘Luke’ for ‘his crush’ - who is Luke? - child in my form-
he started to cry, I asked did he threaten you- no, what was the conversation? He’s just asked me for £15.
so round and round in circles, son says not being bullied, Nothing else going on, just wanted the money I gave it to him. I’m sorry I won’t do it again etc.
WIBU to go in/contact school to see what the fuck is going on? Why is this kid asking for money? Can I get it back?
what could they do if anything?
for background, he’s in year 7, gone from small village school to massive academy. ‘Luke’ is not known to us and never been mentioned before.
DS is a young 11, shy around people he doesn’t know, small for his age, not into sports, a bit of a mumbler and a people pleaser.
He lied about the bus being late the other day and went to the park (he’s allowed to go to the park and couldn’t explain why he lied).
if you’ve got this far thanks for reading! Any advice greatly received!

Don't go in all guns blazing and don't expect to see the money again but definitely do speak to the school.

He definitely could do with building confidence, thanks for your reply.

Thank you, yes I’ve already cooled my jets since I wrote the dramatic title!

Are you 100% sure he's not just spent on junk food on his way to/from school and doesn't want to admit it? Does he seem unhappy at all about any aspects of school? Other than this has he settled, joined clubs? Has friends?

I'm a HOY7 and I'd like to know this information in case it was a missing part of a puzzle we were already unpicking, so on those grounds I'd let school know - but make it clear you don't expect an outcome.

this is a good point I’d hate to not say anything and it happen to DS or another child and carry on happening.

As a teacher I'm usually not an advocate for running to the school for every little thing, but this is 100000% something the school should be aware of and can deal with. He might never see the money again, as the school have no 'proof' as such and can't demand it back off any particular child, but they can speak to all of the children concerned and reiterate that nothing is bought or sold or donated at school.

The kid who sold him the toy's parents will probably be called and that might be reversed.

Its honestly probably just kids being kids, happens all the time, I always find kids in my class giving their toys or money to their 'friends', and I need to constantly remind them that schools not the place for running their swap shop, and work out who brought what to school so it all goes back to the right home. Maybe your son just thought it was a way to make friends and is a bit embarrassed by it now, hence his reaction.

Definitely tell the school though, they will want to know. And don't replace the money for your DS, it's a valuable lesson for him to learn (I mean that in a kind way. Not being cold hearted)

I've had tricky situations for my girls before and found that email was the best approach. Clearly set out the facts (£25 taken to school and given over). Then what your DS said has happened. Ask them to investigate. Make it clear that your more concerned with what's happening between your DS/these children than the money itself.

I would email the form tutor and copy in the DHOY or HOY. Then they can read it when they get time, do anything they need to do, and contact you with an update.

Thank you, I hadn’t really considered there was another explanation as we’d had one lie, then I’ve assume a (perhaps partial) truth. I think I’ll ask for the meeting and then ask him rig there’s anything else he wants to tell me before the meeting.

Tgis. Are you sure he's not spent the money himself and is trying to place the hairdressers given you don't know any of his school friends?

Thank you, that’s good to know that it’s not unusual and yes it’s possible that he thought it was a way to get someone to like him. If it was someone from the village I would just have a word with their parent but this is a new child & I’m not used to not knowing everyone’s parents (and business 😂) like I did at primary.

Peer on Peer abuse is a thing. I work in a school and we all got a leaflet on it last week.

The days of teachers just telling victims to toughen up are over.

Book a meeting.

Your poor son OP. School may well not be aware of what’s happened but a meeting with his form tutor could help you both get on the same page in terms of keeping an eye on DS and next steps. Maybe something like a GoHenry card would be useful in future so there’s no physical cash and you can keep track of spends and savings?

Thank you. We will be making sure he doesn’t take money to school again but I agree the card is a good idea to completely take away that possibility.
I do think a meeting is a good idea. Thanks

Since he mentioned a crush could it be a case of giving a little bit of truth in a lie and could he have a crush on Luke or Sam and be struggling with it?

You dont need to pay for a gohenry card at his age. He can have a debit card with his bank account.

He could of spent that money on anything and just not want to tell you what, so I wouldn't go in all guns blazing and accusing other kids of things! Does your son know your thinking of talking to the school. if he does maybe he will be a bit more honest to stop you from doing so

Whenever Luke or one of Luke's pals is after a few quid they'll be banking on your ds.
I'd contact the HoY in the morning and ask for a meeting.

Have you thought of backing off and letting it work itself out? You say he’s a people pleaser and a mumbler and tbh you sound a bit overbearing and helicoptery, the two often go hand in hand. I would let the natural consequence be that he has lost this money and don’t bring it up, if he’s been scammed he’ll learn not to do it again. Don’t go jumping to silly conclusions re: vaping; he’s possibly not telling you where the money went as he’s scared you’ll criticise it but it’s probably something utterly benign like Pokemon cards or sweets.

I don’t think he really knows what a ‘crush’ is to be honest which is why I sort of believe this version- if the other kid said ‘I want to buy something for my crush’ DS would just repeat the word without real understanding. But yes anything is possible as he’s been very evasive and upset. I’ve previously asked in passing if he’s got or would like a girlfriend or a boyfriend and he’s showed no interest.

This is not for the school to deal with, or to reimburse you for, so I'd probably drop that attitude if you want to ask for their support in navigating the unknown children and their parents.

You have told DS not to take the money, but he has, and you'll probably need to make peace with the fact it's gone on this occasion and actually do more to ensure he's doing as he's told in future. Teach him to say no to these children.

YABU to think you can get the money back.

Ir’s your sons money and he chose to give it away.

But you need to contact school asap and let them know what’s happened as your child could be being bullied or anything.

Definitely keep hold of his money in a safe place from now on.

100% I am ‘helicoptery!’ It’s been an absolute wrench to see my boy walking to the bus stop and disappearing off to school and have to let go, I am struggling with that.
he’s a sensitive soul and yes that may be down to me but he’s a good lad with a good heart, just not street smart.
really appreciate your point of view and I’ve totally climbed down off my ‘ marching into school’ horse but I can’t do nothing. It breaks my heart to think of him being taken advantage of.
thanks for reading and replying though I do take on board what you said.

Definitely go straight to school. I would bypass form tutor and ask to see safeguarding lead. Explain the missing money and dubious explanation, plus the very strange behaviour of lying and going to the park. Your child has at best a bit naive, or has fallen in with some dodgy friends, and at worst is being bullied and manipulated and is afraid to go to school. Don't worry about getti g the mo ey back. Tell your child that's irrelevant now, and be more interested in finding out why he gave it away and who to, and why he skipped school. Lots of hugs and reassurance because he will be feeling something on a scale from embarrassment to shame to terror, depending on what has really happened. Keep the lines of communication open.

Agree with this.

Just because DD doesn’t think he’s being bullied doesn’t mean thst he’s right. Lots of bullying victims try to please the bully etc.

Weird, one for a teacher discussion.

As for the money I don’t think you can get it back unless you deal with Luke’s parents and Luke may just deny it - could turn into a big drama that could worsen school for your DS.

Yes I’ve climbed down off that high horse now sorry I was a tad dramatic! I don’t know the parents so would have to go through the school to speak to them, but absolutely agree it’s not for the school to reimburse. My original title should have been ‘to go into school, get parents contacted and demand money back from the child that has it!’thanks for replying