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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cruel to be kind

75 replies

Flirty30x · 02/10/2022 12:40

Hello MN

I don't know why I can't talk to family or friends about this so hoping you can give me some advice.

I'm 31 and my DH is 33. I don't fancy him. I did years ago (been together 12 years) but now I don't like him touching me and the thought of being intimate really makes me shiver.

I don't feel good about this, we both spoke about fixing things at the start of the year but we got upset and didn't speak of it again.

I brought it up again two weeks ago, days before our anniversary and have been labelled as the wicked witch since by him and his family. I'm not happy. Initially I wanted space and he refused.. after listing everything he dislikes about me, which was hurtful. He later told me it was heat of the moment.

His mum and dad have just left for a round the world trip and he kept telling me that they were worried about his wellbeing because of how stressed he is at work and now with me adding this. They think I've been cruel bringing it up days before our anniversary but I can't think when the best time would have been, ever since I've known him, he's been stressed about work.

His dad keeps texting him telling him to leave the house if i kick off but i havent kicked off once, he did, he couldn't accept that im not happy. So I don't know what he's telling his parents.

He then asked if we could do counselling and I said no, I wanted space. He then said that if he moves back to his mum and dads that they'll probably not go on their trip as they are so concerned about him. I said let's have space first and if we think it can work, get counselling. He refused and said we either get counselling now or not at all. I felt bad that his mum and dad might have cancelled their holiday as they are worried about their son so I agreed that space was not required and agreed to counselling. Now with counselling coming up in days, I'm stuck, I don't want counselling. I want to separate. I don't fancy him, I hate when he touches me and I no longer want to start a family. However, I feel I can't say this now as his mum and dad have left and he keeps telling me he is depressed.

Do I...
Pretend to give things a go, until his mum and dad are back (5 weeks away!) Or,
Tell him it's over and put my own feelings ahead of his.. I obviously do worry about him and know that he doesn't really talk to his friends so his main support group are his parents.

I'm sorry for the long post, I just want to be happy but hate the thought of hurting anyone along the way.

Ps, part of me thinks it would be easier to properly end it while his parents are away. He has told me that they've spoken about finances and have told him that I'll get 50% of everything and that he should have put a prenuptial in place. He has been really angry with me since declaring that "I've won" and that his mum and dad have told him to get legal advice to stop me grabbing his money. I don't get it, i have never once said I'd go after his savings, all I said was that I'd expect the house equity to be split equally, as per title deeds. Just fed up hearing their input I get that my DH is their son but its too much.

X

OP posts:
Raidtheice · 02/10/2022 12:43

He's using his parents as an excuse to emotionally blackmail you into doing what he wants to do.

If he does something, it is because he has chosen to do that, it is not because of you. Same with his parents.

You are perfectly entitled to end this relationship and he cannot stop you.

inheritanceshiteagain · 02/10/2022 12:45

If you think he would really fall to pieces and become suicidal I would wait until his parents come back, but not pretend to give it a go at making it work. Just keep your distance and don't give him false hope. Otherwise rip the plaster off and say how about spending the 5 weeks at your parents house.

kagerou · 02/10/2022 12:48

I think the councilling may actually be a good thing

If you make it very clear to the councillor that you are deeply unhappy and feel he can't accept its over then it might help him come to terms with the end of your relationship

Relationship counselling isn't just about trying to keep things together, it can also help people through the process of dissolving a relationship and may help things end in a less ugly way

Wishing you all the best whatever you decide on , just don't let yourself feel guilted by him or his parents

KettrickenSmiled · 02/10/2022 12:55

His parents' holiday is a total red herring - & so is the date of your anniversary.

If you wait until his parents have had their holiday, & the anniversary is safely passed, he'll just come up with another excuse to stop you from being allowed to own your feelings & act on them.

He sounds horribly enmeshed with his parents, & they sound like small-minded judgemental twats. Banging on about his savings when you'd never even referred to them ... they need to keep their noses out & let their son handle the sad fact of his impending divorce with adult dignity.

You don't need counselling. If HE wants counselling, there is nothing to stop him from getting some. On his own. Why would you draw out this agonising situation any longer? Do what YOU need to do. If his parents cancel their holiday, that's up to them, not you.

Just fed up hearing their input I get that my DH is their son but its too much.
Tell him - & them, if they are mithering at you in person - that you don't need their input, it's not their marriage & neither is it their divorce. It's all very sad, but you cannot help or change your feelings, & it's best for everyone if you now focus on getting through a clean break as amicably as possible.

Goldbar · 02/10/2022 13:01

This relationship is between the two of you. It no longer works for you, and therefore you have the right to end it. It's a relationship, not a prison sentence - it's meant to be consensual.

Why do his family have front-row seats to your relationship issues? Does he have no boundaries, that he's happy for them to weigh in and bully you into remaining in the relationship with him? Has this been a problem throughout your marriage?

I'd tell him that it's over, you're not going to counselling and, if he threatens suicide, you'll call the police to do a welfare check. And whatever his parents do or don't do (e.g. cancel their trip) is not your problem, it's theirs and his.

clowerina · 02/10/2022 13:02

leave now.

steff13 · 02/10/2022 13:05

I would just leave now.

bloodyunicorns · 02/10/2022 13:06

He's blackmailing you and emotionally manipulative. His parents sound toxic too.

He can't stop you ending your relationship - and no time will ever be perfect!!

Do it now if you want to. Then you can both start getting used to it and moving on.

LuckyLil · 02/10/2022 13:08

Id leave now too. You can't be blackmailed into liking someone you can't stand. His depression isn't your fault.

VeridicalVagabond · 02/10/2022 13:11

Why tf are his parents so involved in your relationship? It's nothing to do with them and they need to butt out and mind their own business. Your husband also needs to stop blackmailing you with their feelings, they're not in this relationship.

Counselling only really works if both parties are committed to fixing the problems in the relationship and WANT to do counselling and make it work. You clearly don't, you're past that and you need to put yourself first. If his parents want to be so up their son's backside that they'll cancel a holiday to baby him further, that's on them not you. Do what's best for you.

LuckyLil · 02/10/2022 13:12

His mum and dad sound like a pair of stirrers to be honest. They probably secretly want him to go running back home so they can say I told you so. They probably never liked you taking him away from them in the first place.

mountainsunsets · 02/10/2022 13:13

Why are his parents so involved in your marriage?

If you're not happy, then leave. They can't stop you and neither can he.

properdoughnut · 02/10/2022 13:13

He's an adult. He knows the relationship is failing. Just end it now.

MayThe4th · 02/10/2022 13:17

I would leave. But tbh if a woman posted here that her husband felt repulsed by the thought of her touching him she would get nothing but sympathy here.

You have every right to leave a relationship, but I do think you should acknowledge the fact that the way you have treated your dh is immensely hurtful. He is lashing out in a wrong way, but he’s entitled to be hurt.

GobbolinoTheWitchesCat · 02/10/2022 13:21

Don't be blackmailed by him.

If you don't want to go to counselling and just want to end it then that's fine. You're entitled.

GobbolinoTheWitchesCat · 02/10/2022 13:22

He is not your responsibility.

Plus he sounds - at best- very manipulative.

Autumninnewyork · 02/10/2022 13:25

I second the PP above who said it could be worth attending the counselling session as part of the breaking up process, with a view to managing it as best as you can

charabang · 02/10/2022 13:31

This doesn't sound like it's going to an easy separation so I'd start it while the parents are away. Whatever way you do this your DH will be hurt and you will be blamed. If you don'r want to attend counselling hou don't havd to alghough there might be benefits if he is helped to accept that there is no way back for your marriage. Hard times ahead and I don't envy you. Hopefully you can both end up happier.

Noteverybodylives · 02/10/2022 13:34

Do I...
Pretend to give things a go, until his mum and dad are back (5 weeks away!) Or,

Tell him it's over and put my own feelings ahead of his.. I obviously do worry about him and know that he doesn't really talk to his friends so his main support group are his parents.

In your situation I would pretend to give things a go.

Not for him or his parents benefit, but for your own.

I think if you really wanted to end things you would have moved out by now.

You keep saying you ask him for space but he says no - surely you wouldn’t ask, you would pack your bags and TELL him you’re leaving to get space.

For that reason I think you’re torn between leaving him and wondering if you’re having a temporary ick.

It’s been 12 years.
That’s a long time to end things without even giving counselling a go.
Chances are you will look back and wonder if you did the right thing.

I would stay for the next 5 weeks and give counselling a go.
If at the end of the 5 weeks you still feel the same then at least you know that you are making the right decision.

Can I ask if there is another man involved?

washingbasketqueen · 02/10/2022 13:36

Why do his parents know that you no longer fancy him? It's weird they know so much about your marriage. It all sounds very convoluted.

Dirtylittleroses · 02/10/2022 13:40

For goodness sake, just end it. He’s a grown up as are his parents, they are responsible for their own actions. You cannot be.

PaperPalace · 02/10/2022 13:41

I agree with the poster saying that counselling may be useful for both of you. If you have a good counsellor who listens to you, they won't be trying to force you to reconcile against all the odds. It may help you both to come to terms with the split and manage things amicably.

His parents definitely need to butt out. Make sure you get a good lawyer to sort the finances fairly.

britneyisfree · 02/10/2022 13:45

Noteverybodylives · 02/10/2022 13:34

Do I...
Pretend to give things a go, until his mum and dad are back (5 weeks away!) Or,

Tell him it's over and put my own feelings ahead of his.. I obviously do worry about him and know that he doesn't really talk to his friends so his main support group are his parents.

In your situation I would pretend to give things a go.

Not for him or his parents benefit, but for your own.

I think if you really wanted to end things you would have moved out by now.

You keep saying you ask him for space but he says no - surely you wouldn’t ask, you would pack your bags and TELL him you’re leaving to get space.

For that reason I think you’re torn between leaving him and wondering if you’re having a temporary ick.

It’s been 12 years.
That’s a long time to end things without even giving counselling a go.
Chances are you will look back and wonder if you did the right thing.

I would stay for the next 5 weeks and give counselling a go.
If at the end of the 5 weeks you still feel the same then at least you know that you are making the right decision.

Can I ask if there is another man involved?

Don't listen to this. You were young when you met him and you aren't compatible any more simple.

Although you probably should just pack up and leave

TimeForTeaAndG · 02/10/2022 13:46

Well as you're married it's not "grabbing" his money, it's a split of assets in line with the legal partnership you both agreed to.

Counselling may be a good way to talk through how you are feeling with a view to splitting amicably but it sounds like he's emotionally manipulative so in that case I'd refuse joint sessions.

What's your setup just now? Is the house owned or rented? Do you have somewhere you can go to get the space you want from him?

caringcarer · 02/10/2022 14:05

If you don't love him and are both unhappy, have no kids, for goodness sake split up. Why stay making you both miserable. Life is too short to get bogged down like this. He is using his parents to manipulate you. Don't let him.

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