Cruel to be kind

[Flirty30x]

Hello MN

I don't know why I can't talk to family or friends about this so hoping you can give me some advice.

I'm 31 and my DH is 33. I don't fancy him. I did years ago (been together 12 years) but now I don't like him touching me and the thought of being intimate really makes me shiver.

I don't feel good about this, we both spoke about fixing things at the start of the year but we got upset and didn't speak of it again.

I brought it up again two weeks ago, days before our anniversary and have been labelled as the wicked witch since by him and his family. I'm not happy. Initially I wanted space and he refused.. after listing everything he dislikes about me, which was hurtful. He later told me it was heat of the moment.

His mum and dad have just left for a round the world trip and he kept telling me that they were worried about his wellbeing because of how stressed he is at work and now with me adding this. They think I've been cruel bringing it up days before our anniversary but I can't think when the best time would have been, ever since I've known him, he's been stressed about work.

His dad keeps texting him telling him to leave the house if i kick off but i havent kicked off once, he did, he couldn't accept that im not happy. So I don't know what he's telling his parents.

He then asked if we could do counselling and I said no, I wanted space. He then said that if he moves back to his mum and dads that they'll probably not go on their trip as they are so concerned about him. I said let's have space first and if we think it can work, get counselling. He refused and said we either get counselling now or not at all. I felt bad that his mum and dad might have cancelled their holiday as they are worried about their son so I agreed that space was not required and agreed to counselling. Now with counselling coming up in days, I'm stuck, I don't want counselling. I want to separate. I don't fancy him, I hate when he touches me and I no longer want to start a family. However, I feel I can't say this now as his mum and dad have left and he keeps telling me he is depressed.

Do I...
Pretend to give things a go, until his mum and dad are back (5 weeks away!) Or,
Tell him it's over and put my own feelings ahead of his.. I obviously do worry about him and know that he doesn't really talk to his friends so his main support group are his parents.

I'm sorry for the long post, I just want to be happy but hate the thought of hurting anyone along the way.

Ps, part of me thinks it would be easier to properly end it while his parents are away. He has told me that they've spoken about finances and have told him that I'll get 50% of everything and that he should have put a prenuptial in place. He has been really angry with me since declaring that "I've won" and that his mum and dad have told him to get legal advice to stop me grabbing his money. I don't get it, i have never once said I'd go after his savings, all I said was that I'd expect the house equity to be split equally, as per title deeds. Just fed up hearing their input I get that my DH is their son but its too much.

X

I haventmoved out because we have a dog together and he has made is clear that he will be keeping him and we wouldn't share. He also said i would be giving up on our dog too. Ive told him that hurts me immensely and id like share him. He has refused. I can't take our dog because he belongs to both of us and the only place I could move to is my aunts who has a cat. DH has also said that I would be getting half of his shares and said that I won't stop at nothing and now I want the dog. He said he is hurt that I'm mote upset about not sharing the dog rather than our marriage. I understand why this must be difficult and I am sad, 12 years is a longtime. As I've told him, I think we have outgrown each other. I don't see why this is a surprise thoguy, he has told me a few times that he is unhappy. Everyone is acting like it was perfect until a few weeks ago

None of this has anything whatsoever to do with his parents - they need to butt out. And he needs to stop talking with them about it - not acceptable at all.

So what is your plan?

Leave this week without the dog?

Or stay until he agrees you can take the dog?
Which you’ve already said you can’t do and he’s never going to let you anyway.

And I know that must seem strange to not want to move out because of the dog but, I love our dog. My DH works long hours everyday. Although he does his fairshare with our dog, its me that plays with him and sits in the living room with him everynight before bed. It's nice having some company (sad I know) and our dog brings me so much joy. With DH working long hours our dog woild be home alone for half the day, if I were to move out. He has told me his parents love our dog and will support him no matter what. But its our dog, not theirs. I could just pretend to be happy for another 12 years. We have a beautiful big house and are financially comfortable, thanks to DH job. My job pays well but he earns triple. But I don't want the money, I want to be happy and we have outgrown each other. That's it.

If you're not happy then leave. Lifes to short to stay in a relationship which isn't fulfilling for you. Prioritise yourself. He'll eventually move on too. He just needs to accept how you feel

Just take the dog and leave while he's at work.

Take the dog & go.

You have to expect a bit of animosity when you have told him you aren’t attracted to him anymore and want to leave him.

Personally I would try the counselling as at the very least you can talk things through and help you both to have a healthier breakup.

You don’t have to justify your reasons that you don’t want to be with him. Everyone has the right to choose who they are in a relationship with.

Sounds like you are being emotionally manipulated into staying in a relationship you don't want to be in. You don't need to wait till x,y,z to end it because guaranteed once that passes he will come up with other reasons why it isn't an appropriate time. You only have one life. You have been dealing with this wanting to end things this whole year. Dont waste any more time and still be in this situation going in to next year. Be strong.

I've been you OP and you've got to just rip the band aid off and end it with him unequivocally. Don't make him or his parents into the bad guys, they're not. Nor are you for no longer being in love/sexually attracted to him - it happens.

But if you keep this limping on to avoid the really tough part - ending it and walking away - you are really torturing him. Please be kind and just do it. It's bloody hard I know and I wonder if most people ever really face up and do it when they need to, and end up just rubbing along together forever instead because they cant face that heart wrenching moment of saying it's over. You need to do that as this is hell for him.

She says she can’t because she will be staying with a family member .

His parents are far too involved , I am not as involved in my 17 year olds relationship as they are in yours. Just leave ASAP, if you can’t take the dog then you can’t. Maybe when things settle you will be able to share it but (saying this as someone who also loves my dog) you might have to accept losing your dog is the price you pay for leaving

(and clearly a total nightmare for you as well!)

You could rent somewhere or move to your aunts minus the dog for now and get some space between you.

Unfortunately get comfy and see no reason for change - so this has to come from you.

life’s too short -

As you say you only want half of the house. Not half of his finances.

Maybe you could use that for leverage with the dog? If he keeps saying you cant see the dog tell him you will try for half of everything he has. I know that's not actually what you want but might be worth a shot..

OP you can’t pretend to have feelings for your H that you don’t have.
Your attachment to your dog is probably all the stronger because it is displaced affection you don’t give or receive from your H.
Get out while you’re still young and give yourself the opportunity to make more satisfying relationships. Bricks and sticks will be small comfort when you feel too old to make changes and look back on time wasted.
Do you want a child? If so you need to get out.
Dont feel too guilty — you presumably had good times initially and contributed to a good relationship but things change. Your H wants you to stay to make him happy not because he wants to make you happy.
Ditch the couple counselling for now and get yourself some counselling
Good luck

I think the counselling is a good idea to help you both to end it in a possibly nicer way. Plus you get to say everything in a safe space without the parents involvement. So for that reason, stay for that.

But you will need to accept that you might not see your dog again. He WILL use him as a way to keep hold of you if you try to co-parent.

When you leave, it will have to be for good. There's no nice way to do that. You will feel awful

P.s. He sounds like a man child. No wonder you have the ick.

As previously said, a counsellor can help you both come to terms with the end of the marriage. Things may be able to be resolved more amicably.

And I know that must seem strange to not want to move out because of the dog but, I love our dog.

No it’s not strange at all.

But if you refuse to leave without the dog and can’t take the dog with you - then your only option is to stay.

So I’m a bit confused what your question is if you aren’t planning on leaving?

Why are you leaving the house? Usually people are advised not to leave, the person who is in residence tends to have an advantage over the property. And see a solicitor, people on Mumsnet may give you sympathetic advice about the relationship, but for finances you need a legal advisor.

If it’s a big house, you can have a decent bedroom and set up a parallel existence. You’ve got to hold your nerve, not leg it , with or without dog.

It might help to remember that you want the marriage to end, but your husband doesn’t. He may be behaving badly, but presumably he’s devastated. Joint counselling would be a respectful way for you to end the marriage and in the long be best for you all.

I am going to go slightly against the grain here and say go for the counselling.

Becuase for many marriage counselling is actually a way to safely break up the marriage.
In other words, the counselling allows you to have the conversations about leaving and why you are leaving with a thrid party there to help them stay on track.

So I would say go, be honest from the outset that you want to leave, but have agreed to come because you are having such trouble communicating.

This may or may not work in terms of him coming to terms with it. But at least it will give you a safe forum to talk. You could discuss the dog in that space too.

I would also do it while his parents are away, so that you have a chance to try and sort it without them breathing down your neck.

I'd treat the next 5 weeks as operation break up.
Personally I think the counselling could be useful. It's like 5 sessions with a professional break up supporter - a relationship counsellor worth their salt isn't there to keep people together, they are there to help people separate too.
If your dog is that important to you I would find a place I could take them with me. I assume your Aunt's isn't a long term option anyway and if you are leaving your marriage you need to find your own place? So make steps to do that over the next five weeks.
That might look like 2 weeks at home then you going somewhere else, it might look like things being so bad after the first counselling session that being in the same house is impossible. It might look like slowly coming to terms with it as a couple over the whole time.
Some couples need to break up together in a way, some it just makes it worse, I couldn't make that call on the info you can give online.
But if you don't want to stay, and you don't want to try and stay, then the question is what is the fairest way to leave, and what steps you need to make that happen.
Staying at your aunt's seems like a bit of a cop out to me. That's 'space'. That's a temporary reprieve. And your DH will hope that's what you need to then come back and work on your marriage. If you're never going to do that don't string it out.

Who actually bought and paid for the dog? When I left my ex a lawyer told me that as he had purchased the dog, it was his. However after two weeks a neighbour told me that the dog was basically left alone all the time and not walked. I went and got the dog and told him that either I kept the dog or I would call the RSPCA. This was quite a few years ago and I did get to keep the dog.
Before leaving, perhaps find somewhere to rent that allows dogs.

Go to counselling.

book a solo session with said counsellor. Tell counsellor what you want.

use the counselling to separate. Like a mediator but also for your own well-being to have a vent away from anyone else.