Cruel to be kind

[Flirty30x]

Hello MN

I don't know why I can't talk to family or friends about this so hoping you can give me some advice.

I'm 31 and my DH is 33. I don't fancy him. I did years ago (been together 12 years) but now I don't like him touching me and the thought of being intimate really makes me shiver.

I don't feel good about this, we both spoke about fixing things at the start of the year but we got upset and didn't speak of it again.

I brought it up again two weeks ago, days before our anniversary and have been labelled as the wicked witch since by him and his family. I'm not happy. Initially I wanted space and he refused.. after listing everything he dislikes about me, which was hurtful. He later told me it was heat of the moment.

His mum and dad have just left for a round the world trip and he kept telling me that they were worried about his wellbeing because of how stressed he is at work and now with me adding this. They think I've been cruel bringing it up days before our anniversary but I can't think when the best time would have been, ever since I've known him, he's been stressed about work.

His dad keeps texting him telling him to leave the house if i kick off but i havent kicked off once, he did, he couldn't accept that im not happy. So I don't know what he's telling his parents.

He then asked if we could do counselling and I said no, I wanted space. He then said that if he moves back to his mum and dads that they'll probably not go on their trip as they are so concerned about him. I said let's have space first and if we think it can work, get counselling. He refused and said we either get counselling now or not at all. I felt bad that his mum and dad might have cancelled their holiday as they are worried about their son so I agreed that space was not required and agreed to counselling. Now with counselling coming up in days, I'm stuck, I don't want counselling. I want to separate. I don't fancy him, I hate when he touches me and I no longer want to start a family. However, I feel I can't say this now as his mum and dad have left and he keeps telling me he is depressed.

Do I...
Pretend to give things a go, until his mum and dad are back (5 weeks away!) Or,
Tell him it's over and put my own feelings ahead of his.. I obviously do worry about him and know that he doesn't really talk to his friends so his main support group are his parents.

I'm sorry for the long post, I just want to be happy but hate the thought of hurting anyone along the way.

Ps, part of me thinks it would be easier to properly end it while his parents are away. He has told me that they've spoken about finances and have told him that I'll get 50% of everything and that he should have put a prenuptial in place. He has been really angry with me since declaring that "I've won" and that his mum and dad have told him to get legal advice to stop me grabbing his money. I don't get it, i have never once said I'd go after his savings, all I said was that I'd expect the house equity to be split equally, as per title deeds. Just fed up hearing their input I get that my DH is their son but its too much.

X

So you wont take the dog because its both of yours, but hes quite happy to keep him and not share. Your Dh is a manipulative arse. Tell him to stay at his parents for the 5 weeks, get counselling to end it healthily and insist on sharing your dog, otherwise youll insist on sharing ALL the finances.
Tell his parents to butt out.
Good luck with everything x

It sounds like it's over. You need to bite the bullet and stop dithering.

I'm wondering if his parents helped with the house purchase. Did you both put the same amount in?

So there are 5 in your marriage then?

You got together with him when you were a kid! Definitely split up with him and if his parents want to cut their holiday short that's on them, not you. If he had any nouse about him, he would wait until they're back to let them know. If he tells them whilst they're away that's not your fault.

You're entitled to what you're entitled and your solicitor should let you know.

Don't stay with someone you can't bear being touched by. You're both still young. Doesn't mean that your marriage was a failure, just that it ended.

And it makes sense for you to take the dog because what kind of fucked up owner is he if he's happy for the dog to be on his own all day??

You've got to get out. Just do it, like ripping off a plaster. If his parents have anything to say then don't bow to their manipulation. You won't need anything to do with them once you split so just tell them to feck off and mind their own business.

I understand you love the dog but this is your life. You're a long time dead and life is too short to fanny around if you're unhappy like this.

It's going to hurt if you do it now or in 5 weeks, or in 5 years. JFDI

I don’t need to give you all the details of my marriage break up, but despite many many times if trying to hold it together, I had to admit (to myself) that I was only making myself more unhappy, and furthermore go on to make him unhappy.
We also gad a very young child, and I did not want him growing up as a child of two unhappy parents.
You can only disguise your feelings for a period of time before you “blow up”, and then things can get horribly messy.
I agreed to counselling as my ex wanted, but I told (in private) the counsellor that I did not want them to “bring us together” (too much control from him to consider it) but rather help him see that an amicable split would be better for us both, and especially less harmful to our child.
So you may wish to approach “counselling” from that viewpoint.

He possibly will try every trick in the book not to end your marriage, but whether that’s coz he truly values you, or coz he doesn’t want to split all the assets (of which you do deserve 50% of), makes no difference to the way you feel.
in fact if he truly valued & respected you, he’d do his best to facilitate as smooth a transition as possible, if only for his own self respect.

I wish you well op, it’s gut wrenching enough as it is, without being accused and labelled.

Stay strong x

Sorry but the fact that his parents are so worried about him is HIS responsibility. No grown man should involve their parents so much in their marriage! It’s disloyal! What about his loyalty to you? They are obviously in his ear too (about the money etc). Tbh this would be sufficient reason for me to leave even if our sex life was good. There must be love, trust and loyalty between married people, without that, it’s already too late.

Rent a flat, move out, take dog. Problem solved!!

You’re only 31yrs old !!!!

Don’t waste any more of your precious youth putting up with crap and go and make an appointment to see a solicitor next week.

Start looking towards your new future without this extra baggage.

I split up with my ex in my mid-thirties. I met DH a few years later and had DC.

An old friend who I no longer see stayed with her abusive partner. He was mentally abusive and tight with money too. She’s now in her mid 50’s with no children and living a pretty miserable life because she was too afraid to leave. I think she’s waiting for him to die first but that’s no life for anyone.

I'm not looking for a nice payout!! I don't want any of his savings, pension or shares. I just want half of the house equity!

Screw his parents.

I'd say this in counselling: I don't want counselling. I want to separate. I don't fancy him, I hate when he touches me and I no longer want to start a family. However, I feel I can't say this now as his mum and dad have left and he keeps telling me he is depressed.

What can he say to that? He can hardly refuse to let you leave. His parents are adults, if they choose to leave their trip that's their choice. You'll probably never hear from them again after you leave anyway.

I agree with this.

@MayThe4th I doubt OP meant to find him repulsive or fall out of love

I just want half of the house equity!

So why don’t you move out to your aunts asap and then go about getting a divorce and half of the house equity?

You can try and get the dog big I can’t see what happening.

If you want out, then you are entitled to get out. But first see a solicitor. You need to know what to expect financially. And this may not apply in the UK, but in the US there have been court orders regarding access to a beloved pet. They're considered 'property' (as opposed to being treated as 'a child') but divorcing couples have been made to 'share' as they would any other item they cannot agree on. Can't hurt you to ask about this.

His and his parent's emotional states are not your responsibility.

What is the selective presentation? The OP does not love her DH. She does not want to be with him. She wants her agate of the equity of the house. That's it. Where is the problem? What are you alluding to? Do you think she should stay forever even though she doesn't want to? What actually do you think is the right course of action?

OP when he starts up ask him 'knowing I do not love you and feel physically repulsed by you, what do you want me to do?' And ask his parents the same thing if they keep sticking their beak in. 'What actually would be the right course of action?' 'What should I do that you would be content or accepting of?' Ask them this.
What are they going to say? Stay in the marriage forever? 🤷🏻‍♀️

He is emotionally blackmailing you op. Don't allow him to do this it will only be worse in the end.

Bullshit.

OP has stated very clearly that all she wants is half the equity in the house. Which she co-pays for.

my best friend wouldn’t leave her husband despite feeling how you do because he was so depressed and manipulative and she didn’t want him to do anything silly she lasted an extra year before she realised that actually of he does something silly then that’s his problem and his choice not hers and not her burden to carry. She left is now immensely happy on her own and he’s still the depressing miserable manipulative sod he always was but now she doesn’t have to deal with it.

If I was interested in his money - I would ignore my feelings and stay!! Or, I would have left a longggg time ago and asked for half of everything. If a solicitor tells me that I'm entitled to half of his savings, a chunk of his pension, and his shares, I would not be interested. This is his stuff, his money, I have had no input with these things, so I wouldnt want anything. I might use it as leverage for our dog but I really, really hope it would not come down to that, honestly.

You don’t need his permission to leave him. You certainly don’t need permission from his parents. It’s pathetic how he’s involving his parents in private marital troubles.

It’s great that you are financially independent and have no children with him, that makes this relatively simple.

Avoid him as much as possible while you see a divorce solicitor and work out the path forward (don’t tell your husband you have done so until you’re ready to actually leave). Make sure you have any documents you need like passport birth certificate etc.

If you’re financially independent could you perhaps rent a small flat somewhere that could have a dog, and then suddenly leave and take the dog? When you break up, one of you will be living with the dog and one won’t, there is no readon he automatically gets the dog. I suspect he only wants the dog because he knows you love it - this is about controlling you.

He knows you don’t love or fancy him and he isn’t treating you with love either, so why does he want you to stay? It sounds like this is more about control for him. Some narcissists get furious when left because (in their heads) it spoils their image to have been dumped.

Make sure you avoid sex, he may try to get you pregnant so that you have less choices.

Just be honest with him. Tell him you've made your decision, and then work out the details. Including the dog.

It sounds like the relationship has broken up mainly because your feelings for him have changed. You've felt that way for some time. You're sure they won't change back, counselling won't help. You don't want a future together. Your husband has to respect that, no matter how painful it is. You have to respect him enough to tell him the truth, trust him to cope. He deserves to know.

You say you're putting your feelings first, but it's not that simple. He wants to be with you, you don't want to be with him. There's only a relationship if both people actively want to be in it and feel that the effort and compromise to make it work are worth it. You don't feel that way; you've tried hard but you can't. There's no way to equally balance your feelings and his, and it would be crazy to put his first and stay.