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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be worried that my dd is on her first night out at a club?

62 replies

Oldoldold · 01/10/2022 23:10

I've had a colourful life but my dd is now at her first night out to a 'club' or whatever they're called these days (just turned 18). AIBU to be like a clocking hen? I know that she's going out with a large bunch of close friends but I'm not going to sleep until she gets home (she's staying the night with her friend who seems sensible).

How do you more experienced mums cope with the stress? 😫

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldoldold · 01/10/2022 23:11

It's worse than the new-born baby stage.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldoldold · 01/10/2022 23:14

I think I'm worried because I got into so many situations at her age which could have been dangerous and I just don't want her to end up hurt or sad. Does every Mum of teenagers go through this?

OP posts:
Bayleaf25 · 01/10/2022 23:16

It was bad enough with my DS, god only knows about my DD. I suppose just console yourself with the fact she’s having fun/got friends/doing normal teen things.

i hold your hand though, it’s hard letting them go x

VanCleefArpels · 01/10/2022 23:18

Oh yes!! You wait wide awake till you hear the key in the lock. However once they go off to Uni and you have absolutely no idea where they are and with whom you won’t give it a second thought 😉😂

Kite22 · 01/10/2022 23:23

I think I'm worried because I got into so many situations at her age which could have been dangerous and I just don't want her to end up hurt or sad.

So surely, armed with that knowledge, you have brought her up with an awareness and confidence and some pre-thought in to "What would you do if....." discussions ?

Original poster
Oldoldold · 01/10/2022 23:24

Bayleaf25 · 01/10/2022 23:16

It was bad enough with my DS, god only knows about my DD. I suppose just console yourself with the fact she’s having fun/got friends/doing normal teen things.

i hold your hand though, it’s hard letting them go x

Thank you. I know that the Mum of her friend she is staying with tonight is a sensible sort so, I just need to breathe! It's only 11pm. I know that she has everyone's number, she has money, I've warned her about drinking and minding her friends etc. DD is quite sensible but she's young and free and all I can see flashing through my mind is headlines from awful cases. Fuck.
I did not sign up for this.

I naively thought that when I got her to 18 that I would stop worrying.

Will I sleep?

Thank you so much for your reply.

I wish she didn't tell me what she's getting up to sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldoldold · 01/10/2022 23:26

Kite22 · 01/10/2022 23:23

I think I'm worried because I got into so many situations at her age which could have been dangerous and I just don't want her to end up hurt or sad.

So surely, armed with that knowledge, you have brought her up with an awareness and confidence and some pre-thought in to "What would you do if....." discussions ?

I'm pretty sure that the other Mums think that I'm far too liberal as I just want her to be safe and she's a little bit cossetted and her friend's are similarly minded and I get the impression that I'm the most liberal among the Mums. 😭

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldoldold · 01/10/2022 23:31

You do not want to see the outfits she proposed to wear. Fine for IBIZA when you're 22 and it's 35 degrees. I did what I never thought I would do. I suggested the ripped jeans over the mini dress. 😆

Am I ever going to sleep? People don't tell you this about children. YOU WILL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN.

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whattodo2019 · 01/10/2022 23:33

You sound divine!! 😘 I hope your DD has a great night xx

JockTamsonsBairns · 01/10/2022 23:41

Kite22 · 01/10/2022 23:23

I think I'm worried because I got into so many situations at her age which could have been dangerous and I just don't want her to end up hurt or sad.

So surely, armed with that knowledge, you have brought her up with an awareness and confidence and some pre-thought in to "What would you do if....." discussions ?

I understand your sentiment, and I do agree. We try to bring our daughters up to have confidence, assertiveness, and an ability to cope in all sorts of different situations.
My mother would definitely have thought she'd done this, no question.

But, these "situations" can be so entirely random, that it's impossible to cover all bases with the "What would you do if...." conversations.
We just have to hope that we've given them enough, and that their grounding is solid enough to see them through.

Original poster
Oldoldold · 01/10/2022 23:42

whattodo2019 · 01/10/2022 23:33

You sound divine!! 😘 I hope your DD has a great night xx

What a nice comment. Thank you. I'm pretty sure that she's currently in the queue for the nightclub and has her sights set on some guy she wants to kiss or whatever. I just hope that she gets home safe. Thank you. I'm pretty sure that every other Mum is also wide awake waiting for them to come home. I even have my Dad on standby in case anything happens as he lives nearer to the town they're out in than I do. She's a sensible girl and she has good friends around her.

OP posts:
MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain · 01/10/2022 23:46

I will be in the same boat next Friday so I get where you're coming from.

DD was the first of her mates to turn 18 a few week's ago and is going clubbing in our nearest city for someone else's 18th.

Thankfully at least birthday girl's parents have said they will go and pick them up whatever time they're ready to leave. There's also a strong possibility that pervy blokes won't be an issue as DD is the only straight one going and suspects they might end up a gay club!

Original poster
Oldoldold · 01/10/2022 23:50

JockTamsonsBairns · 01/10/2022 23:41

I understand your sentiment, and I do agree. We try to bring our daughters up to have confidence, assertiveness, and an ability to cope in all sorts of different situations.
My mother would definitely have thought she'd done this, no question.

But, these "situations" can be so entirely random, that it's impossible to cover all bases with the "What would you do if...." conversations.
We just have to hope that we've given them enough, and that their grounding is solid enough to see them through.

Show quote history

My mother brought me up with very harsh rules and very little understanding.

I know that dd has dabbled with alcohol and when I was a teenager I confided in my friend's mother rather than my own. I've told her to go easy on the alcohol (she confides in me but to what extent I'm not sure). I told her to pull the dress down a bit lol and now I have to let her go and be free? Oh my God.

I'm going to think of her having a fabulous out. I know the other Mum who the girls are staying with tonight so I know that she'll be safe. Man. Nobody tells you this when you decide to have a baby!

OP posts:
Crispynoodle · 01/10/2022 23:52

Perspective mine has just bought a one way ticket to Australia, she will be back around next June 😩😭😩😭

Original poster
Oldoldold · 01/10/2022 23:52

MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain · 01/10/2022 23:46

I will be in the same boat next Friday so I get where you're coming from.

DD was the first of her mates to turn 18 a few week's ago and is going clubbing in our nearest city for someone else's 18th.

Thankfully at least birthday girl's parents have said they will go and pick them up whatever time they're ready to leave. There's also a strong possibility that pervy blokes won't be an issue as DD is the only straight one going and suspects they might end up a gay club!

Oh gosh lol, you're like me! Thanking God for gay guys who are not going to endanger them. I will hold your hand next Friday night. 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldoldold · 02/10/2022 00:00

Crispynoodle · 01/10/2022 23:52

Perspective mine has just bought a one way ticket to Australia, she will be back around next June 😩😭😩😭

Dd has made it clear that she intends to travel when she gets her degree. Hugs to you. 😭

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldoldold · 02/10/2022 00:01

Crispynoodle · 01/10/2022 23:52

Perspective mine has just bought a one way ticket to Australia, she will be back around next June 😩😭😩😭

I've travelled a bit myself and I'm going to try to reassure you that when you're on your travels you meet so many fellow-travellers from around the world and they are brilliant experiences.

I know it's not reassuring lol.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldoldold · 02/10/2022 00:06

On the other end of the spectrum, I rang my Dad tonight who had to calm me down and tell me that it was great to see her growing up! (No, Daddy, it's fucking not!). Lol. That man now has to deal with the stress of rearing me for a start (quite an accomplishment) and then to have to calm his daughter down about his granddaughter. 😆

I know that she'll be fine.

OP posts:
Judijudi · 02/10/2022 00:13

No you will probably not sleep tonight and for several more. It’s terrifying having teenagers. My youngest is now 21 and I still don’t sleep until he’s messaged to say he’s wherever he happens to be staying after the club. Even worse are the weeks in Ibiza and the weekends away at festivals. 😩 don’t think I’ll ever stop worrying

tinx · 02/10/2022 00:15

Oldoldold · 01/10/2022 23:31

You do not want to see the outfits she proposed to wear. Fine for IBIZA when you're 22 and it's 35 degrees. I did what I never thought I would do. I suggested the ripped jeans over the mini dress. 😆

Am I ever going to sleep? People don't tell you this about children. YOU WILL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN.

I feel your pain I’ve been crying for 2 days about letting my DS go off on his own to places

it’s causing me so much stress I even got into an argument with DH because I’m so on edge

I’m not happy right now I feel in shock this has come around so quickly

HebeSunshine · 02/10/2022 00:15

It's definitely worse than the baby stage isn't it? I mean you have a baby there with you, right where you can see it. When they go out in the big wide world it's bloody scary.

But she'll be fine OP and it does get easier. The more she does it the easier it becomes for you.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/10/2022 00:19

Blimey OP if you’ve kept her out of clubs till she’s 18, all she’s done is dabble with a bit of booze and you think she’s only hoping to kiss someone, then all I can say is you’ve done well. I don’t understand HOW you’ve managed that - I know kids are more sheltered these days, but that really does sound gentle.

Anyway she sounds v sensible and she’ll be grand. Off to bed with you now.

Original poster
Oldoldold · 02/10/2022 00:24

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/10/2022 00:19

Blimey OP if you’ve kept her out of clubs till she’s 18, all she’s done is dabble with a bit of booze and you think she’s only hoping to kiss someone, then all I can say is you’ve done well. I don’t understand HOW you’ve managed that - I know kids are more sheltered these days, but that really does sound gentle.

Anyway she sounds v sensible and she’ll be grand. Off to bed with you now.

LOCKDOWN due to Covid helped!

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldoldold · 02/10/2022 00:26

VanCleefArpels · 01/10/2022 23:18

Oh yes!! You wait wide awake till you hear the key in the lock. However once they go off to Uni and you have absolutely no idea where they are and with whom you won’t give it a second thought 😉😂

Yup, I think I won't. Lol. I'll sleep with one eye open. God but parenting is not all joy! It's stress and worry!

OP posts:
ShootingForTheMoonLandingOnMyArse · 02/10/2022 00:29

It’s a trial by fire OP but it will get easier. I always asked DD to text me when she got to her friend’s, so I knew she was safe, after a night out and she usually did. Also to text me from taxi if she was coming home by herself.

I drummed it into her not to get so drunk she was vulnerable (save that for home or house parties), if she was left alone/lost her friends to ring me to come get her no matter what time it was, had her write my number down and keep it in her bag in case she lost her phone/battery ran out. She wouldn’t agree to sharing her location! Got her a rape alarm, small can of hairspray for hand bag. I know she got rat faced on numerous occasions though!

There was one morning when she was about 19 that I got up in the morning (after I’d stopped staying awake until she got home at 3-4am!) and her bed hadn’t been slept in. I was beside myself! She didn’t answer phone or texts. At 8am, I was just about to call the police and she walked in bold as brass! A big group had gone to McDonalds after clubbing and stayed there talking. Phone battery had died obviously. After that I calmed down a bit as if something was going to happen (statistically rare) there was nothing I could do about it.

Thank god she’s in a long term relationship now and is usually out with him so I don’t need to worry now she’s 25!