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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so annoyed over a bloody cup of tea?

84 replies

AllTheUsernamesLeftAreShit · 01/10/2022 14:58

DP has just made himself a cup of tea, hasn't even offered me one. We're in the same room, it's hardly an effort. I've lost count of the times I've told him him this is rude, thoughtless and I find it hurtful that he keeps doing it after I've told him that it bothers me.

So tired. So much bullshit like this, it's like death by a thousand cuts for a relationship.

OP posts:
J0y · 01/10/2022 15:59

Don't make him dinner, don't wash his clothes.

This may sound petty but it's to get the message across.
He's not hearing it.

MummyNads · 01/10/2022 16:00

I agree with the other posts on that there seems to be other problems and this is the last straw. Nonetheless i do agree its important to be considerate of your partner. A little would you like a cuppa can go a long way

whynotwhatknot · 01/10/2022 16:02

Its probably not just the tea is it -my dh will make a coffee for himself and not offer a tea but i do the same but we dont have alot anyway so its usually at different times

But if theres other things aswell you need a chat

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 01/10/2022 16:02

Well I must be odd, then. I hate the way DH makes tea and he hates the way I make it. I have tried really hard to make it for him how he likes it but I never can (leave the teabag in for ages, then loads of milk). So we help ourselves whenever we want one. It does annoy me a tiny bit though when I put the kettle on and he nicks the boiling water. But he is absent-minded and wouldn't do it on purpose. In your shoes I'd just always make my own. Sounds as if this means more to you than it does to him.

Dixiechickonhols · 01/10/2022 16:03

It’s rude and thoughtless especially if you have told him. I wouldn’t make him anything, wonder if it might get through to him.

KimberleyClark · 01/10/2022 16:05

So annoying. DH has been known to automatically make two cups of tea even when I’m not at home.

Somethingneedstochange · 01/10/2022 16:11

Treat him as he treats you. Don't make him one or even ask if he wants one. It's British law to ask anyone else in the house if they want a brew when your making yourself one.

Sparkletastic · 01/10/2022 16:11

Utterly selfish. Sounds like this could be the straw that breaks your back.

HideousKinky · 01/10/2022 16:12

We rarely make tea/coffee for each other, because DH has endless cups in a day whilst I only have 3 (breakfast, lunch, around 4pm) per day and sometimes none of these coincide. So we each prefer to make our own. However I completely take the point that in your case OP the issue of cups of tea is the tip of a very big iceberg where you don't feel considered

Mammajay · 01/10/2022 16:14

Just ask him when he comes in with his tea to make one for you. No sarcasm or anything. He'll soon get used to making your tea.

Rocketclub · 01/10/2022 16:17

It was soon after this that I checked out of the marriage it’s just rude. I say to the kids treat each other like visitors respect is the order of the game

bonzaitree · 01/10/2022 16:21

Somethingneedstochange · 01/10/2022 16:11

Treat him as he treats you. Don't make him one or even ask if he wants one. It's British law to ask anyone else in the house if they want a brew when your making yourself one.

Is he British OP?

billy1966 · 01/10/2022 16:21

I couldn't share a home or my life with someone like that.

I'd rather live alone and make my own tea.

Cherchezlaspice · 01/10/2022 16:22

AllTheUsernamesLeftAreShit · 01/10/2022 15:14

Thanks for listening to the rant. You get exactly - it's the feeling unloved and the lack of care.

He's not awful (cliche I know). He's just so bloody set in his own world. He'll say he tries hard, but it's only ever things he wants to do. He seems to be unable to listen and take account of what I'm explaining or feeling.

Did you ask him why he’d done this? What was his response?

properdoughnut · 01/10/2022 16:22

Also energy crisis. More efficient to make two drinks at one time

Brigante9 · 01/10/2022 16:24

He was in the same room? Bloody hell, that’s ridiculously rude. How did he not make one for you?

ilovesushi · 01/10/2022 16:27

My DH is brilliant at always making me a cup of tea when he makes one for himself but I don't always remember to make one for him. Usually because I'm in a rush and just fitting it in quickly rather than stopping for tea break. I wouldn't be offended if he didn't make one for me but he does sometimes get the hump if I don't include him. I just don't have a default position of always making multiple cups. Of course if he was in the room or close by I would try and remember to make two! It wouldn't be a big deal for me but I get it is for you.

Cherchezlaspice · 01/10/2022 16:41

ilovesushi · 01/10/2022 16:27

My DH is brilliant at always making me a cup of tea when he makes one for himself but I don't always remember to make one for him. Usually because I'm in a rush and just fitting it in quickly rather than stopping for tea break. I wouldn't be offended if he didn't make one for me but he does sometimes get the hump if I don't include him. I just don't have a default position of always making multiple cups. Of course if he was in the room or close by I would try and remember to make two! It wouldn't be a big deal for me but I get it is for you.

I don’t really understand this. It doesn’t take any longer to make two cups than it does one, so being in a rush isn’t a factor. You know it upsets him. It’s minimal effort to do and rude not to. So why wouldn’t you?

LeavesOnTrees · 01/10/2022 16:50

YANBU it's very rude.

I think it'd be a step before divorce if my DH didn't offer me a cup of tea. Not particularly because of the cup of tea itself but what it represents.

Woodsparrow · 01/10/2022 16:51

My dh did this to me a couple of times and it really hurt, i had proper words and he always offers me one now. sometimes on a morning he makes me a shit cuppa and that really stings

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 01/10/2022 16:56

Have you tried not offering him a cup of tea? Does he notice?

MsBombastic555 · 01/10/2022 16:56

TinaYouFatLard · 01/10/2022 15:03

That would be an act of war in our house.

100 fucking percent 😂

Bryonny84 · 01/10/2022 16:57

DP always asks and I usually say no but he still asks. Manners isn't it? OP's DH has none clearly. Not worth breaking up over though, just tell him it's bloody rude not to ask.

Gatekeeper · 01/10/2022 16:57

not a swearer but I would be growling through gritted teeth "WHERE.IS.MY.FUCKING.TEA?"

Crumpleton · 01/10/2022 16:58

OneDayIWillDivorceHim · 01/10/2022 15:37

My husband refuses to make me a cup of tea. He doesn't drink it (only drinks coffee) and hates tea. So he refuses to make me one as he says "he doesn't understand tea". Refuses to make my family one too so I have to awkwardly always be the one making tea which I'm sure is noticed.

With your DH on that one I don't drink tea.
But that's where it stops.
I drink one coffe a day the rest consist of water and if DH is home when I'm refilling I'll always ask him if he was a drink and which takes his fancy whether that be hot or cold I'll alway get it for him..
He equally knows I never have hots drinks bar one but always asks if he's making one.

I'd definitely go solo on doing anything in future if that was my DP...
He'd darn well remember I was there once he'd seen me tucking into a decent roast for one I'd cooked on a Sunday.