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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't mind a "quick run"

55 replies

helenabonhamfarter · 01/10/2022 12:24

Is it me?

DH announces frequently he's off for a "quick run" or "quick bike ride"

Fine no problem.

It's what follows after which is annoying.

Quick run= 90 mins (or cycle ride)

Then comes home and has "cool down" period- normally over 30 mins (think lying on floor drinking water and being generally useless)

Then hour of bath, faffing around, putting smelly kit in laundry.

So "quick" exercise turns into nearly three hours whilst I do childcare, homework, house work etc

Anyone else's other half do this? And don't get me started on the 30 minute poos!!

(And for what it's worth my hours of work during the week are considerably longer tab his)

OP posts:

AliceAbsolum · 01/10/2022 12:25

Yes mine does. It's an all morning affair. I let him get on with it. Life's too short and it keeps him healthy and happy.

Angelinflipflops · 01/10/2022 12:26

There's also 'just popping to the loo....'

SnarkyBag · 01/10/2022 12:27

Just start “popping to the shops” and go for coffee and a mooch for 3 hours each time.

billy1966 · 01/10/2022 12:27

Shit husband, shit father avoiding family life.

Spelling it out that you have noted the EXACT amount of time he is spending avoiding family life and it is not acceptable.

He thinks you are a fool and is treating you like one.

You are a fool to put up with it.

Sorry to be harsh.
But you should not accept this.

BatshitBanshee · 01/10/2022 12:31

90 mins isn't quick imo and I wouldn't tolerate the messing around once he's home, not more than once. You're being very passive I think 🤷🏻‍♀️

Lcb123 · 01/10/2022 12:31

if it’s regular then surely you just know it will take a few hours. Everyone needs time for themselves. Just do the same for yourself surely

LannieDuck · 01/10/2022 12:32

I wouldn't mind if he was honest about it. Ask him what time he's planning to be back, and be explicit - "so you'll be taking over childcare when you get back at 10.30?".

If he needs to plan in more time after for cool down / bath, he needs to say that. It's really taking advantage of you to get agreement for a 30 min run, and then keep adding "oh, and this", "oh, and that". Each one is a small ask, so unreasonable of you to say know, but the whole thing is much less reasonable, and he knows it.

Get him to be explicit about how much time this will all take, and then agree that you'll take the equivalent time off childcare / chores the following evening.

Fizbosshoes · 01/10/2022 12:33

I'm always suspicious of anything preceded by the word quick.
DH goes for a "quick beer" sometimes (spoiler its not esp quick and sometimes it's more than 1 beer) I mostly don't mind, just be up front that you will be out for a few hours!!

He also talks about needing a quick shower before we have to go out at a set time. He starts mentioning it hours before we need to leave, but only actually goes in the bathroom for said shower 2 min before we're due to leave!!

trailrunner85 · 01/10/2022 12:34

90 mins can be a quick run - no issue with that. But the stuff afterwards is unacceptable.
In my house we tag team the runs/gyms/bike rides, so the other one goes out the minute one of us gets home. That usually means my post-run coffee/shower/loo/etc is done with two kids in tow, but that's part and parcel of being a parent.
Suggest you do the same, OP - get your gym kit on and leave the house the second he gets back from his run. You could use your 90 mins to run yourself, or else just sit in a coffee shop with a book. Doesn't matter; but make sure you claim that time and stop him getting away with twattery.

Frazzled2207 · 01/10/2022 12:36

I wouldn’t mind if he was honest about it. I think keeping fit and active is an attractive trait.

My quick runs are 30 minutes long, plus same again for cool down and shower.

nothing quick about 90 minutes even if he runs fast!

if he gets to spend 3 hours doing all this then that’s all very well but then that afternoon or some other time in the week he gets to deal with the kids while you have a very leisurely coffee with friends/mooch round shops/whatever you fancy for an afternoon

it’s not an unreasonable thing to do as long as he pulls his weight in return

Angelinflipflops · 01/10/2022 12:38

I would say a quick run is 30 mins or less

Fizbosshoes · 01/10/2022 12:39

I run regularly. I would never describe 90 min as a quick run! (Even without any of the other faffing)

I guess it might be a quick run for an ultra runner...

Explaintome · 01/10/2022 12:39

I run, a lot. 90 mins isn't a quick run. A quick run would be 30/40 mins, a normal run 60 mins and a long run 90min plus.

Bike rides are different, but tbh for me they're social things and we're out all day.

When DC were young, my runs were 2 evenings a week after they were in bed, Saturday parkrun which the whole family came to and we had breakfast after and a long run early on a Sunday before the rest were up. I had an agreement that I wouldn't race more than once a month, more because I didn't want to sacrifice more family time than that than because DH wanted me to restrict it.

DH is using running to avoid you all and you need to get to the bottom of that IMO.

mynameiscalypso · 01/10/2022 12:41

Oh yes! My DH is a master of this too. Plus it takes him about an hour of faffing to go out for a run in the first place. I just throw clothes on and go out the door. I have no idea what he does. And then, yes, there's the 'cool down' and he can't possibly have a shower until he's been sitting around for an hour or so.

THisbackwithavengeance · 01/10/2022 12:46

SnarkyBag · 01/10/2022 12:27

Just start “popping to the shops” and go for coffee and a mooch for 3 hours each time.

This.

He's taking the piss.

Arucanafeather · 01/10/2022 12:47

My DH is a keen runner and loves a training plan schedule. He sacrifices a bit of sleep and gets up and out in summer so he’s home and ready to spend family day together. In winter he compromises by going on the treadmill as it’s too dark. He did do more of what you’re experiencing when the kids were younger… but admitted it did included a need to have time not working or parenting to himself and I had equal time. For about a decade we traded in lie ins. “If you do that sh*tty job neither of us what to do then you can have the next lie in opportunity”.

rookiemere · 01/10/2022 12:47

To me a quick run is 30 mins, then additional 30 mins when you get home to shower and dress.
I agree with others - start nipping out to the shops or the library, he'll get the message soon enough.

diamondpony80 · 01/10/2022 12:51

A quick run for me is 30 minutes and about 10-15 minutes to do a few stretches and have a shower.

NoSquirrels · 01/10/2022 12:53

- get your gym kit on and leave the house the second he gets back from his run. You could use your 90 mins to run yourself, or else just sit in a coffee shop with a book. Doesn't matter; but make sure you claim that time and stop him getting away with twattery.

Yes, do this.

And tell him to get up earlier if he wants a 90-minute run!

Skyla01 · 01/10/2022 12:57

That is not a quick run. I would say 30min run then 15min to cool down and shower is quick.

Are you able to take a similar amount of time for yourself?

Sleepymum5O · 01/10/2022 13:02

Mine does all this and because he’s older has to have a (non quick) snooze to get over it. So it basically takes up most of the day ie. 4pm.

The reason they say ‘quick’ is so that you don’t make a fuss, but they know perfectly well they are going to make a whole morning of it, and can use any old excuse (forgot the time, got lost, helped a little old lady find her cat), so you have no reason to be cross when they come back late.

But it’s important they have their ‘me time’.

dizzydizzydizzy · 01/10/2022 13:08

I used to do a lot of running but I used to compensate by getting up early, unloading dishwasher, hanging out laundry etc etc while everyone else was in bed. I think the suggestion to go out yourself as soon as DH is home is a good one.

I used to get loads of abuse for doing this...... didn't care about family etc etc.

Chooksnroses · 01/10/2022 13:08

I remember my ex getting sympathy from a Relate counsellor by telling her that I complained when he said he was cleaning the car or mowing the lawn at the weekend. He failed to mention that cleaning the car was a fine detailing valeting job, followed by a few bits of servicing and tuning the engine, and took 6-7 hours. And that mowing the lawn turned into an all day gardening job, and that after me looking after our four children all week while he worked 16-18 hour days. I understand how you feel.

KettrickenSmiled · 01/10/2022 13:10

Why have you not asked him who he thinks is going to look after his children while he absents himself from family life for 3 hours every weekend?

Also - why are you just sucking this up, when you work longer hours?
When is YOUR time for hobbies, (or lying on the floor being useless)?

Imissmoominmama · 01/10/2022 13:11

I do this 😬.

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