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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh and Step kids issue

73 replies

hatewinter · 30/09/2022 19:48

Hi, looking for some opinions please.

Been married to dh for 2 years, we have 3 children between us, 2 are his (16 and 17).

Oldest dss has recently got a job, has to get 2 short bus journeys to his job as it's around a 30 minute drive from their house.

Step kids stay with their mum and youngest dss is with us every weekend. Oldest doesn't visit us as their relationship with dh isn't the greatest however will still text dh occasionally (better than nothing and dh tries his best with dss regarding making contact etc).

Oldest dss sometimes finishes work anywhere between 8pm and 11pm, recently he has been texting dh and asking for dh to pick him up from work later in the evening, which is fine. However we stay around a 30 minute drive from dss work and then it's another 30 minute drive to their home then another 30 minutes back to our house. So around a 1.5 hour drive to collect dss from work.

This is fine as it's late at night etc but with the rising fuel prices & everything else rising, I'm a bit pissed off that dh only hears from dss whenever they need a lift or money, have spoken to dh about this & there's no negotiations on it, if dss wants a lift home, dh will do it. Fine!

We had a date night planned tonight, we never have time on our own so had planned this a few weeks ago, all kids are out the house & we were going to have some "us" time.

Dh told me yesterday he was going to collect dss tonight at 9pm but said we could do something afterwards? I am pissed off that we can't have 1 night together (which was planned) & that he needs to drop everything & go collect dss, as I've said I don't have an issue with it any other time, he wants to do it that's his decision. But I asked for this 1 night just us 2 and he can't give me that because he doesn't want dss standing in the rain waiting on a bus?

Am I right to be annoyed? I get it's his children & he would do anything for them, I love my step children dearly I really do. But I asked for 1 night.

OP posts:

user1487194234 · 30/09/2022 19:51

That’s really difficult

Can really see your point of view,but if it was my child I would pick them up

CatchersAndDreams · 30/09/2022 19:52

I see your POV but also I had a older teen dd and would pick her up. I expect it feels nice for dh to feel wanted and needed by dss.

But I'd also want a date night! Why can't he order him an uber as a one off?

Original poster

hatewinter · 30/09/2022 19:52

@user1487194234 I get it, and I would if it was my child too.

I'm very hormonal right now & fed up I just wanted this 1 bloody night.

But I agree it is a tough situation, I love how good a dad he is, I just wanted some quality time.

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 30/09/2022 19:53

If it were my teenager, I would pay for a taxi for that night - is that an option?

It's tough with older teenagers, especially where the relationship is rocky. It can sometimes feel very one-sided and thankless. Your DH is doing the right thing, IMO, in showing his son that he's there for him and supporting him by facilitating his working and keeping him safe. I'm sure you'll get plently of posts calling him a doormat and a Disney dad to counterbalance mine but having brought up two boys to adulthood, I would carry on as he is. He's scaffolding his child's transition to independence and keeping open a line of communication.

Original poster

hatewinter · 30/09/2022 19:53

@CatchersAndDreams I asked this also, there are other people dss could ask for a lift home, it's not just my dh. But dh doesn't agree & doesn't see my point.

OP posts:

Moveoverdarlin · 30/09/2022 19:54

He should pick up his child. That’s what good Dads do.

girlmom21 · 30/09/2022 19:55

Why is their relationship not good?

He's right to do the pick ups.

Original poster

hatewinter · 30/09/2022 19:56

@Greensleeves thank you. I do understand why he's doing it, I would do it for my child of course I would. He's a brilliant dad & brilliant partner. I understand he wants to keep any relationship he has with dss as it's not very good as it is. I feel selfish for moaning about it. We don't get much time together due to working and the children so this 1 night I was looking forward to but I do honestly understand why he's done it. I guess I just needed to hear I am being unreasonable

OP posts:

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 30/09/2022 20:00

Dss earning money shouldn't be costing dh money. Imo.

VroomVrooom · 30/09/2022 20:00

I get you’re disappointed OP. Most of us would be.

But you say yourself you’d do it for your own child. We all would.

I have a young teen and this is starting to become A Thing. Night time pick-ups. It’s part and parcel of parenting a teen too young, or unable to drive.

YumYummy · 30/09/2022 20:01

Could you have some ‘us’ time later tonight or tomorrow morning?

CatchersAndDreams · 30/09/2022 20:02

I don't think you're unreasonable OP. Step families have a greater sacrifice for step mums. If dss was your own and you wanted a date night you'd order him a taxi and think nothing of it as a one off. He wouldn't also only see his dad when he wanted something as they'd have a closer relationship just by living with each other. Neither one of you are wrong but you as the step mum have to do all the compromising.

Freddiefox · 30/09/2022 20:07

How long has he been been picking up dss?

arethereanyleftatall · 30/09/2022 20:08

In his position, I would be doing everything I could to try repair the damage that's historically happened to their relationship. I think his son should come first.

Petronus · 30/09/2022 20:11

I think with the back story of the poor relationship between dh and dss it’s not unreasonable for him to
prioritise picking dss up. Equally it’s totally understandable that this would be annoying for you. I think you may just have to be the bigger person on this one though.

Yousee · 30/09/2022 20:14

Existing plans should come first, except in emergencies.
If my DH had been routinely and casually ditching me to rush to answer the summons of his ex or their child, he would not be my DH, just some guy I went on a few dates with many years ago. It's disrespectful behaviour.

Hearthnhome · 30/09/2022 20:14

I would be your dh in this situation.

I would have given my dd (similar) age money for a taxi.

But, it really depends on how bad the relationship is tbh. If it’s been quite bad and dh feels these trips are helping make progress, I understand him not wanting to miss one

Snowberry3 · 30/09/2022 20:18

Is there an end in sight. Eg is dss having driving lessons? Saving for a car? Going to leave job to go to college?
Is it 5 days a week or just once in a while?

SpeckofDustUponMySoul · 30/09/2022 20:18

Why can't the Mother pick her son up?

Felicity42 · 30/09/2022 20:22

You sound a bit controlling.
The lad has a shite relationship with his Dad.
Those car journeys could be worth their weight in gold to help that young lad get his Dad back. Maybe it's high time your DH prioritised this kid.

Noteverybodylives · 30/09/2022 20:23

YABU

I would be doing this for my own child and if he didn’t do it for his, then I’d go and get DSS myself.

But I can completely see why you are upset that you lost an hour and a half of your evening that you had been looking forward to.

PugInTheHouse · 30/09/2022 20:27

Oh FFS, the OP doesn't sound controlling, she is disappointed that's all. Really difficult situation but to be honest we have a 16 and 14 yo and rarely get time to ourselves due to pick ups, drop offs etc. Part and parcel of teen parenting I would say, however if we did have plans we would get them an uber.

Trouble is in your DHs situation he is trying to repair his relationship it sounds like so he probably is desperate for that time with him.

BattenburgDonkey · 30/09/2022 20:28

You aren’t unreasonable for feeling upset and wanting that one night. However he is totally doing the right thing collecting DSS, especially if their relationship isn’t great at the min. Building on their relationship and showing he will be there for DSS is vital and unfortunately is just a sacrifice you have to make as parents/step parents. It’s a difficult one all round though.

CatchersAndDreams · 30/09/2022 20:28

It's not controlling to want to go on a date that had been previously arranged.

It's a shit part of teenage parenting that if it's your own dc you get on and do it but when the step family dynamic is involved it becomes a great sacrilege of time and no one off taxi can be arranged.

I can see both sides but neither are being unreasonable. I couldn't be paid any amount of money to be a step parent again.

Greensleeves · 30/09/2022 20:30

Felicity42 · 30/09/2022 20:22

She doesn't sound controlling at all she sounds disappointed and crestfallen that a night she'd been looking forward to has been disrupted. I'm on of those who thinks the DH is doing the right thing, but that doesn't mean OP isn't allowed to have any feelings, or that she doesn't matter. It's not controlling to be upset that your plans have been spoiled.

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