Dh and Step kids issue

[hatewinter]

Hi, looking for some opinions please.

Been married to dh for 2 years, we have 3 children between us, 2 are his (16 and 17).

Oldest dss has recently got a job, has to get 2 short bus journeys to his job as it's around a 30 minute drive from their house.

Step kids stay with their mum and youngest dss is with us every weekend. Oldest doesn't visit us as their relationship with dh isn't the greatest however will still text dh occasionally (better than nothing and dh tries his best with dss regarding making contact etc).

Oldest dss sometimes finishes work anywhere between 8pm and 11pm, recently he has been texting dh and asking for dh to pick him up from work later in the evening, which is fine. However we stay around a 30 minute drive from dss work and then it's another 30 minute drive to their home then another 30 minutes back to our house. So around a 1.5 hour drive to collect dss from work.

This is fine as it's late at night etc but with the rising fuel prices & everything else rising, I'm a bit pissed off that dh only hears from dss whenever they need a lift or money, have spoken to dh about this & there's no negotiations on it, if dss wants a lift home, dh will do it. Fine!

We had a date night planned tonight, we never have time on our own so had planned this a few weeks ago, all kids are out the house & we were going to have some "us" time.

Dh told me yesterday he was going to collect dss tonight at 9pm but said we could do something afterwards? I am pissed off that we can't have 1 night together (which was planned) & that he needs to drop everything & go collect dss, as I've said I don't have an issue with it any other time, he wants to do it that's his decision. But I asked for this 1 night just us 2 and he can't give me that because he doesn't want dss standing in the rain waiting on a bus?

Am I right to be annoyed? I get it's his children & he would do anything for them, I love my step children dearly I really do. But I asked for 1 night.

Considering the kid doesn’t visit his dad, and this is the only thing he asks of his dad, I’d say the mum is probably doing more than her hair share already. And the DSS has asked his dad.

What is DSS’s normal late night mode of transport home?
Are late nights every day or occasional? can the lifts not be scheduled rather than unplanned so you can both work around them?

I have a little more sympathy OP. It may be that DSS is getting lazy and exploiting DSS for lifts when he can’t be arsed to make his own way home knowing that he will jump to his beck and call due to the poor relationship. If this is the case then DP doing the lifts is unlikely to lead to the relationship being repaired.

But not enough info here to tell.

He shouldn't have taken the job if he cant get to it independently

Considering the dad hasn't had him overnight for at least, presumably, the last 2 years, it's kind of his turn

I can see why he’s not saying no, he’s scared the relationship will get worse. That said it’s silly that it’s costing your DH for his son to work, depending how much he gets paid he could just give his son the money for the shift and save himself the journey! But guess those journeys are valuable in trying to rebuild the relationship. I’d be a bit annoyed too, but try and enjoy your evening anyway when he’s back

My 16 or 17 year old sons would be taking the bus under the circumstances. And yes, I have teenage boys who use the buses.

I do understand your POV @hatewinter one of my SC does similar with my DH. Obviously due to them getting older, going out with mates, getting jobs, studies, not needing an adult at home all the time etc they choose not to come to us as per the routine we had when they were younger. DHs relationship with one of his kids hasn't been plain sailing and whilst they will text / chat often its always instigated by DH and his DC only instigates when they want picking up/ dropping off, or something else.
I do understand that it is his son and he will want to do it, but 1.5 hrs to pick him up and take him home. How often does he does this? Can he and SC mum not agree a rota or something ?
As for your evening, yes I think we'd all be miffed and disappointed and personally on this one occasion I think your DH should have said he had plans. What if you'd had arrangements for dinner or something?

Cancel the date. Book something nice for yourself or meet a friend instead.

Being a good parent doesn’t mean making no effort in your marriage.

This. He should have paid for a taxi for his son as a one-off. Can't your SS's mum pick him up some of the time?

@Felicity42 I can assure you I'm not controlling at all, I wanted some quality time with my dh. He went to collect his ds, there was no fight between us etc. so 100% not controlling!

Thanks everyone for the advice.

Yes it's quality time with his ds that hopefully can help repair the relationship, I was just disappointed as this had been arranged and I was looking forward to it. I feel dss could have made other arrangements for one evening! But yes dh went to collect him anyway.

Dss mum doesn't drive.

I do agree I don't think he should have taken a job if he can't be bothered get transport to and from it.

I am very hormonal at the moment and probably was being slightly unreasonable. But I still stick by my thoughts that for 1 night he could have gotten home another way, I was more than willing to cover Uber costs etc.

Anyway it's sorted now.

Thanks for all the advice

YANBU. I think your DH should have pre-empted the situation and told his DS in advance before he asked that he wouldn't be available this week.

If I had such a poor relationship with my son I'd graphic the opportunity to help him especially as it's his son that's reaching out and asking. I really think you'll understand this when you have older children. I'm actually quite shocked you can't see this.

* grabbed * not graphic

Your husband should teach his son how to drive.

I wouldn't pick my child up every shift.
HHowever I am fortunate enough to iive with my children. If my child didn't live with me and wasn't visiting regularly i would take every opportunity i could to spend a snippet of time with them.

I don't think yabu to expect him to have the occasional night free though.

If I barely saw my DC and then suddenly they wanted lifts meaning we'd get time in the car to talk and maybe rebuild our relationship I'd be there every night they wanted. He's been given an opportunity for contact that might bring him back into his DS life. I understand why this is hurtful for you, but also why he is doing it. I don't think he's unreasonable to prioritise his DS, but you're not being unreasonable to want a child free night together either.

He’s a good dad ,ofcourse he must pick up his son ..does that not make u love him more ,showing u what a kind good dad he is

I can see why you feel as you do. But your DH is right to pick up his DS.
As a pp has suggested, your DH should teach his son how to drive. Couldnt he have made another arrangement in advance so you could have your night out? & he could be collecting DS from work for the next couple of years for all you know.
I've never bothered with men with DCs aged under 21 & often on reading MN Im reminded why Im happy I stuck with that choice

There is a difference between being a good dad and a door mat, and it’s sounding like dss only contacts dad when he wants something. That’s not teaching dss good ways, but that he can click his fingers and get dad to drop everything with this emotional trap.
I have teens, they manipulate - that’s what they do at this age. On this one occasion dh could have said “Sorry son, got plans but next time definitely.” IMO there should be no issue with that.

@hatewinter as fair as it is for DH to pick up DS, he ought to be able to miss the odd occasion. Kids need to understand parents are not only chauffeurs! So should be able to say ‘sorry I have plans that night you will have to make other arrangements, I will do it when I can but that won’t always be possible’.

It might be her DH's only opportunity to build bridges with his son, of course he has to drive him!

I get it. The occasional pick up from such a long distance would be OK. But this is regular - your DSS basically took the job when they shouldn’t have. I would pick up my 20 yr old child from nearby at night but also they have Uber on their phone that I pay for. But if they chose a job without securing how they are getting there and back - that’s not responsible of them.

Evenings are the only times we usually get to be with our partners, and if he is now curtailing date night then that isn’t OK. If he was your own DS you wouldn’t be curtailing date night - you’d probably sort a taxi and say to keep the job he will have to come to a longer term more sustainable arrangement.

@hatewinter i am in a (kind of) similar situation. My dd (16) does a hobby which can finish late. Her dad and I are separated but we try and accommodate pickups for her when we can. We both let her know in advance the days when we will not be able to collect her and she has to make her own way home on these evenings. We are lucky that there are good transportation links for her, she is old enough to make her way home or organise her own lifts from friends or with an Uber.

Personally I think this distance is too big for a regular pick up arrangement. The odd occasion would be fine but as others have said, DSS earning money shouldn't be costing his dad money (not to mention the huge time drain) so DSS really shouldn't have taken this job on if he wasn't willing to get himself home.

Agree with this. Had to tell based on info so far, but driving 1.5 hours on a regular basis is crazy. There must be a better way for them to bond.