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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh and Step kids issue

73 replies

hatewinter · 30/09/2022 19:48

Hi, looking for some opinions please.

Been married to dh for 2 years, we have 3 children between us, 2 are his (16 and 17).

Oldest dss has recently got a job, has to get 2 short bus journeys to his job as it's around a 30 minute drive from their house.

Step kids stay with their mum and youngest dss is with us every weekend. Oldest doesn't visit us as their relationship with dh isn't the greatest however will still text dh occasionally (better than nothing and dh tries his best with dss regarding making contact etc).

Oldest dss sometimes finishes work anywhere between 8pm and 11pm, recently he has been texting dh and asking for dh to pick him up from work later in the evening, which is fine. However we stay around a 30 minute drive from dss work and then it's another 30 minute drive to their home then another 30 minutes back to our house. So around a 1.5 hour drive to collect dss from work.

This is fine as it's late at night etc but with the rising fuel prices & everything else rising, I'm a bit pissed off that dh only hears from dss whenever they need a lift or money, have spoken to dh about this & there's no negotiations on it, if dss wants a lift home, dh will do it. Fine!

We had a date night planned tonight, we never have time on our own so had planned this a few weeks ago, all kids are out the house & we were going to have some "us" time.

Dh told me yesterday he was going to collect dss tonight at 9pm but said we could do something afterwards? I am pissed off that we can't have 1 night together (which was planned) & that he needs to drop everything & go collect dss, as I've said I don't have an issue with it any other time, he wants to do it that's his decision. But I asked for this 1 night just us 2 and he can't give me that because he doesn't want dss standing in the rain waiting on a bus?

Am I right to be annoyed? I get it's his children & he would do anything for them, I love my step children dearly I really do. But I asked for 1 night.

OP posts:

Goldbar · 01/10/2022 08:50

YANBU. Why can't DSS take the bus?

It's fine to do this as a nice favour sometimes but your DH shouldn't feel that he has to jump whenever DSS says 'jump' to avoid DSS cutting off contact. That's not a healthy relationship. Letting down others to keep DSS happy is a deeply unhealthy dynamic.

Ameanstreakamilewide · 01/10/2022 09:00

When I was 18, I used to regularly start work at 7:00, so I left home at 5:30, to get there on the bus. And if i did overtime, i'd be leaving work at 22:00.

When you accept a job, one of the things you take into consideration, is the location and the journey to and from home and work.

My mum and dad never took me to work, I just got on with it; like you're supposed to.

My niece works in a Wetherspoons, and her mum and dad can't do anything at the weekends now, cos they have to take her to and from work everyday.
Even when she has a 14:00 start.
I mean...🤷🏻‍♀️

My other niece has a job, which her grandparents take her to every day, and that's only a 9-5 job.
It's ridiculous.

Quincythequince · 01/10/2022 09:02

You are right to be annoyed and the fact that his son only calls him when he wants a lift needs to be addressed

girlmom21 · 01/10/2022 09:02

When you accept a job, one of the things you take into consideration, is the location and the journey to and from home and work.

I'd say there's a good chance the DS is using his dad because he knows he's desperate to fix the relationship so will ask how high when he's told to jump

LadyHarmby · 01/10/2022 09:03

I think the DSS is using your DH when it suits him. Does he ever contact him outside of wanting a lift?

Ameanstreakamilewide · 01/10/2022 09:03

girlmom21 · 01/10/2022 09:02

When you accept a job, one of the things you take into consideration, is the location and the journey to and from home and work.

I'd say there's a good chance the DS is using his dad because he knows he's desperate to fix the relationship so will ask how high when he's told to jump

Yeah, you might be right about that.

ZenNudist · 01/10/2022 09:08

I'm with you on this. Dss can get himself home for once. I don't understand molly coddling dc he's old enough to work he's old enough to get a bus home. I understand wanting to keep him safe but I'm pretty sure at 16 he will be out and about on his own at night for social reasons so should do it for work.

Date night occasionally important. He has to balance his priorities and very rarely you have to come first.

OriginalUsername3 · 01/10/2022 09:10

I think when a child has a fractured relationship with their parent it's really important to show up for them and be there when they need you. You have to prove to them they can rely on you before you ever ask anything back.

It's not the child's fault they have a dhit relationship with their dad. They're a child. So hos dad has failed him in some way and is responsible for fixing that.

Quincythequince · 01/10/2022 09:12

Moveoverdarlin · 30/09/2022 19:54

He should pick up his child. That’s what good Dads do.

He should have told his son on this one night, he wouldn’t be available for pick up.

That’s what good partners do.

LadyHarmby · 01/10/2022 09:17

OriginalUsername3 · 01/10/2022 09:10

It's not the child's fault they have a dhit relationship with their dad. They're a child. So hos dad has failed him in some way and is responsible for fixing that.

I don’t think that’s fair. There could all kinds of reasons why the relationship is poor and they won’t all be the DHs fault.

Fireflygal · 01/10/2022 09:29

I think you might just have to suck this up as there will be an end in sight..i.e he learns to drive, goes to Uni.

I assume your child lives with you all the time so your DH has to work around your child?

Just setting expectations as you have 3 dc between you and jobs so free time will be very limited. Perhaps free time (even if planned) isn't really possible now?

Could you and your dh go for brunch this weekend? When you have teens it really isn't easy to have couple time, especially when dealing with different households.

Hang in there as a few years can make a big difference.

LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 01/10/2022 09:35

When you've got children then 'us time' isn't easy to get, and rightly so. The kids are the priority. He is doing the right thing and being a good dad. They're transitioning to adulthood and this will likely not be an issue after a year or two.

SuperCamp · 01/10/2022 09:35

I think it would have been ok for your DH to have said when you first planned this night ‘oh, just to let you know, Ds, I can’t pick you up on such and such a date’.

For the other times, it’s not Dss’s fault that his parents split and one lives miles away so should he expect less support than a young person whose parents live together?

But then my Dc never expected lifts home from anywhere, anyway. Bus, night bus, Uber… Though I did do some pick ups and drop offs - I offered, they didn’t ask or expect.

MzHz · 01/10/2022 09:37

Moveoverdarlin · 30/09/2022 19:54

He should pick up his child. That’s what good Dads do.

The child has a mother… surely she’s an option when dad is busy/away etc?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/10/2022 09:45

Going against the grain here but I think at 17 with buses available he should be able to get himself home from his own job. Fair enough in an emergency eg missed the bus or.buses not running or step son not feeling well or something. But when you're old enough to work, not factoring in how you're going to get back and expecting a parent to drive 1.5 hours just so you don't have to get public transport is a bit ridiculous. Everyone is saying they would do that for their own child but I honestly wouldn't, I'd be telling them to get the bus or a job closer to home. At 17 you can be leaving home to go to uni the next year, I think being able to get yourself places is something that needs to be learnt

I understand there are wider things at play here but surely there are other ways of repairing the relationship

quietnightmare · 01/10/2022 09:51

Yea he's being a good dad from one viewpoint. But really at 17 your not helping your child who is very nearly an adult by pandering to every need. There's no good to wrap a 17 year old up on cotton wool. 1.5 hours trip is ridiculous unless of course the busses aren't available, as a one off or the 17 year old is unwell that's obviously a different story. He gets a wage if he's that desperate then he can pay for his own taxi, it's called preparing your child for the real world or not. Step child or your own child the same rules apply

RFPO77 · 01/10/2022 09:57

hatewinter · 30/09/2022 19:56

@Greensleeves thank you. I do understand why he's doing it, I would do it for my child of course I would. He's a brilliant dad & brilliant partner. I understand he wants to keep any relationship he has with dss as it's not very good as it is. I feel selfish for moaning about it. We don't get much time together due to working and the children so this 1 night I was looking forward to but I do honestly understand why he's done it. I guess I just needed to hear I am being unreasonable

It's ok to be upset about it and have a moan, that's what Mumsnet is for 👍 but annoying though it is you know he had no choice really, it's what we all do for our kids 💐 xxx

Georgieporgie29 · 01/10/2022 10:18

Obviously not enough information to know for definite but it sounds like your dss is maybe using your dh to his own advantage. Offering him nothing day to day but happy to give him something when it benefits him. If he had started seeing or contacting your dh in the week when no lifts were wanted then I could see that it may be working to build their relationship, however, as that doesn’t seem to be happening then I would say dss is just using him.

also, I agree a 17 year old should be getting themselves to and from work. They are nearly an adult and can’t expect to be molly coddled forever. I say this as a parent of a 17 year old with a part time job and college that rarely gets lifts from either me or dh and is currently learning to drive and stand on his own 2 feet.

Catfordthefifth · 01/10/2022 10:30

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 30/09/2022 23:42

If I barely saw my DC and then suddenly they wanted lifts meaning we'd get time in the car to talk and maybe rebuild our relationship I'd be there every night they wanted. He's been given an opportunity for contact that might bring him back into his DS life. I understand why this is hurtful for you, but also why he is doing it. I don't think he's unreasonable to prioritise his DS, but you're not being unreasonable to want a child free night together either.

It's so obvious that he's using him though. I'd put money on this not improving the relationship and all, and putting a strain on his relationship with op and their child.

Blindly saying oh he's a good dad, maybe so but he's being a doormat.

KatherineJaneway · 01/10/2022 10:37

As a one off he should pay for a taxi or Uber and have the date night with you.

AmyDudley · 01/10/2022 11:06

I don't think it is teaching the DSS a very good lesson in real life to keep picking him up. Part of working is taking into account cost and time of your commute and seeing if that is viable. At the least he should be contributing towards the petrol. I also think it is important for children to learn that people don't have to drop everything to do your bidding.

anyspacesavailable76 · 28/02/2023 09:46

I’m sorry.. you are married and in a relationship with a man with older teens. The step son is as much of your responsibility to your husband and really yourself - as he is to yours and yourself to yours. Where does this notion come from that parents get ‘time off’ these days - except in these divorce scenarios? We just don’t. And yes I am a single mother of two with a useless test of an ex husband who dies zilch. You think there is ever really ‘time off’ No, not even one date night! I suggest put this aside, and re book.

Nanaof1 · 03/05/2023 03:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

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