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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not make an effort with MIL?

61 replies

Ray92 · 30/09/2022 13:56

I feel as though my MIL is incredibly rude to me, so much so that I feel like making zero effort with her from now on. Only problem is, my DD. Would this be unfair on her?
I'll explain more.

MIL complained from the offset that she "didn't know me" so I made an effort to go around and tried to start multiple conversations. Blanked or one word responses. Still went around despite this.
Fast forward to our wedding-no gift, no congratulations.
Christmas present from us was thrown in the bin. Which even more strangely she told me about, laughing.
I got pregnant, she says she wants to see us more to DH. I had HG and was signed off work. She complained to everyone I didn't make the effort to see her, knowing how ill I was. At no point did she come to visit us.
DD is born, she wants to be the first to come to hospital to see us.
She adds baby's name to family tree but not mine.
At the moment she wants us to bring DD to see her very regularly. Once a week minimum, but this involves us driving there. She won't come to us but won't explain why. My main issue with us going is how uncomfortable I feel there (MIL prone to outbursts of crying or shouting if not getting her own way) but also the dog jumps up at my baby and defecates on the floor and FIL smokes.
I hear from SIL and BIL that MIL is always complaining that she never sees DD. (MIL is also awful about SIL behind her back, making very hurtful comments about her mothering abilities but I would never say this to SIL.)
What do I do!?
Continue making an effort even though it makes me so sad and uncomfortable?
Christmas is approaching and MIL wants to do things with DD and we will be expected to attend Christmas family events but I am so hurt and angry that I don't want to have anything to do with her.
Am I being a baby and need to suck it up for DD?

OP posts:
Brefugee · 30/09/2022 13:58

you don't have to see her if you don't want to. Given the dog shit and the smoking i would strongly encourage your DH if he takes your DD to visit, that he suggests meeting in a park.

You don't have to have anything to do with her at all. Don't buy cards, presents, or arrange anything. I did that and it was brill. She complained she never heard from us, but as i pointed out, her son wasn't making an effort either.

cupoftea33 · 30/09/2022 14:00

I think your husband really needs to speak with his mother about the way she is treating you OP!
If You bought anyone a gift and they told you they threw it in the bin, you would be like WTF!!!
That's madness!

Katyrosebug · 30/09/2022 14:00

Go no contact. Do you really want someone like this in your daughters life? I'd also be very wary, when your daughter is older what MIL would be saying, I'd also guess that whatever boundaries or wishes you put in place she'll ignore. I'd keep a close bond with your SIL, sounds like you'll both need each other in the future

Thissucksmonkeynuts · 30/09/2022 14:01

What you do for your dd is show her what boundaries look like, and that they don't involve people who don't put her best interests first.

ChonkyDonkey · 30/09/2022 14:04

Where is your DH in all this? I wouldn't have my DD anywhere near her.

Maray1967 · 30/09/2022 14:06

My DC never went in any one’s house where someone smokes. Never.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/09/2022 14:06

Katyrosebug · 30/09/2022 14:00

Go no contact. Do you really want someone like this in your daughters life? I'd also be very wary, when your daughter is older what MIL would be saying, I'd also guess that whatever boundaries or wishes you put in place she'll ignore. I'd keep a close bond with your SIL, sounds like you'll both need each other in the future

This with massive bells on.

You’d be very unfair to keep exposing your child to this unstable deeply unpleasant woman. No grandmother is better than a nasty, manipulative, critical one.

I’m going to bet your husband wasn’t very close to her and didn’t make much effort before you came along because he knows what she’s like but you were trying to a good DIL and responded to her manipulation before realising she’s a toxic mess. If you take a long step away I doubt he’ll keep seeing her.

At best she sees you as a vessel for producing grand children and even then you don’t deserve a place in the family tree.

She’s awful. Draw a line and have nothing to do with her. Sure she’ll complain to people but why would you care?

blubberyboo · 30/09/2022 14:06

Dog turds on the floor and smoking are enough reason to not go round. It could be the reason why MIL is very unhappy with her own life.

also why are you sparing SILs feelings when she and BIL are quite happy to tell you everything?
get it out there and tell them at the same time why you don’t take Dd to visit.
if she wants to visit she can come round

Aquamarine1029 · 30/09/2022 14:08

I wouldn't allow my baby within a mile of that filthy house. Go NC and never deal with her again.

SidTwaddell · 30/09/2022 14:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Original poster
Ray92 · 30/09/2022 14:20

Husband lived away previously, so saw her infrequently. I don't know manipulative people do it but she seems to have convinced him that him (and by extension me) having any boundaries with her is an act of cruelty. Things must be her way or else there is an enormous reaction which as peacekeepers we both try to avoid.
I think he should have spoken to her, but having seen her reaction when someone tries to discuss anything with her that she doesn't like, I understand why he hasn't. Think storming off and dramatics.

Thank you so much for your responses, I genuinely really needed to hear this so I can go no contact without doubting myself.

OP posts:
Fudgemaker · 30/09/2022 14:21

Is your DH aware of how you feel? He really needs to be standing up to his mother. If he fears she will have a tantrum then he needs to grow a backbone to deal with her otherwise this situation will exist FOREVER!

YumYummy · 30/09/2022 14:22

Your DH can take his DD to his DM.

SnackSizeRaisin · 30/09/2022 14:22

She sounds awful and the house sounds like a health hazard. What benefit do you think she will bring your daughter?

YellowTreeHouse · 30/09/2022 14:23

This is really simple: you grow some balls.

I wouldn’t have my baby visiting a house with smokers or dogs. If they want to see baby they can come at a time convenient to you at your house or a mutually agreed place and there would be no smoking allowed.

SidTwaddell · 30/09/2022 14:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

purpleboy · 30/09/2022 14:24

What a nightmare, don't feel guilty, you have made all the effort whilst she has made none, and it still isn't good enough! DH can take DD to see her but not in the house with dog shit and fag smoke Envy

inappropriateraspberry · 30/09/2022 14:25

Is DD still a baby? She won't have any idea about all this. Get it set out now, so that when she is older, she'll know no different.
There is no way I'd be cowtowing to MIL. Reason enough with dog and smoking, let alone her actions.
Don't let your DH take your daughter there, if MIL wants to see her, she can visit you.

Hoppinggreen · 30/09/2022 14:26

Do nothing, literally nothing.
You don’t arrange visits, presents, cards, nothing.
If your H wants to thats fine
Ignore any whining to yourself or anyone else, it’s your Husbands Mother, she can be solely his problem

Original poster
Ray92 · 30/09/2022 14:26

SnackSizeRaisin · 30/09/2022 14:22

She sounds awful and the house sounds like a health hazard. What benefit do you think she will bring your daughter?

I don't think she would benefit DD at all, honestly. Which reveals to me that I've been ridiculous to put up with this for so long.
I shall grow balls.
Big, hairy ones.

OP posts:
FLOWER1982 · 30/09/2022 14:27

I would stay away as much as physical possible and only show for things every now and then to be polite as it’s your dh family.

I barely see my in laws as mil was awful after our son was born. She complained that my mum saw us more even though I made the effort to visit every week. She was so rude to me and made me feel upset for days after each visit. I stopped going by myself and will now only occasionally visit with my dh there. My dh will normally just take the kids to visit when I’m busy now. His whole family is not my cup of tea and I come away feeling stressed so why bother. Life’s too short.

HiKelsey · 30/09/2022 14:32

Your husband needs to step in now.

I ended up no contact with In laws for similar issues around parenting and wanting me to drop everything to see them. Best decision I ever made, they wanted to see DD once a week, I made the effort they didn't. DD doesn't even realise and she's 3, she's happy that she's loved by my parents and me so in laws don't factor in anymore.

I was always putting out and got no thanks in return and they would make comments round DD so it wasn't worth it. Your little one will start understanding and she'll see MIL treats you differently

Sceptre86 · 30/09/2022 14:32

I'm all for making compromises for loved ones and taking one for the team but this takes the piss. She's outright rude to you, sounds like she's either a nasty woman or has some level of mental health problems going on, maybe both?

I wouldn't allow my dd to see me be disrespected or put her in unhealthy situations. I therefore wouldn't be engaging any further with this women. That being said I wouldn't stop your partner from seeing her but neither myself or my child would.

Imogensmumma · 30/09/2022 14:32

Yet again it’s not an MIL problem but a DH problem…. Your DH needs to have boundaries with his mother and talk to his parents about controlling the dog and it’s shit before he allows his innocent child there….

He needs to set boundaries ok mum as your house if full of smoke you need to visit us and if the waterworks start well then just keep walking

Mariposista · 30/09/2022 14:33

She sounds like hard work. Let your husband take your kid to see her without you and have some downtime