To not make an effort with MIL?

[Ray92]

I feel as though my MIL is incredibly rude to me, so much so that I feel like making zero effort with her from now on. Only problem is, my DD. Would this be unfair on her?
I'll explain more.

MIL complained from the offset that she "didn't know me" so I made an effort to go around and tried to start multiple conversations. Blanked or one word responses. Still went around despite this.
Fast forward to our wedding-no gift, no congratulations.
Christmas present from us was thrown in the bin. Which even more strangely she told me about, laughing.
I got pregnant, she says she wants to see us more to DH. I had HG and was signed off work. She complained to everyone I didn't make the effort to see her, knowing how ill I was. At no point did she come to visit us.
DD is born, she wants to be the first to come to hospital to see us.
She adds baby's name to family tree but not mine.
At the moment she wants us to bring DD to see her very regularly. Once a week minimum, but this involves us driving there. She won't come to us but won't explain why. My main issue with us going is how uncomfortable I feel there (MIL prone to outbursts of crying or shouting if not getting her own way) but also the dog jumps up at my baby and defecates on the floor and FIL smokes.
I hear from SIL and BIL that MIL is always complaining that she never sees DD. (MIL is also awful about SIL behind her back, making very hurtful comments about her mothering abilities but I would never say this to SIL.)
What do I do!?
Continue making an effort even though it makes me so sad and uncomfortable?
Christmas is approaching and MIL wants to do things with DD and we will be expected to attend Christmas family events but I am so hurt and angry that I don't want to have anything to do with her.
Am I being a baby and need to suck it up for DD?

Get her out of your life. My parents, especially covert narcissist mother, were awful and it took until my kids were adults before I realised how abusive they were. The emotional damage has been huge and I so wish I'd gone no contact when my children were babies.

Have a look at the current Stately Homes thread, there is a poster called Monkey something who has a disgusting MIL too, her DH is slowly beginning to distance himself, you may find her posts informative.

It always amazes me how women can write entire essays about how awful their MIL is, and never once mention their DH.

There is your problem.v

One of the best things I ever did was stop trying to keep the peace or please my narcissistic MIL!
I am fully aware she blames me and loudly to family members about lack of seeing GCs but my DH is very clear it's her behaviour.
My DH still sees her infrequently and so do GCs I however rarely do and it's blissful!

Look in the mirror. Repeat parrot fashion until it sinks in

I don't give a fuck what mil thinks or says about me.
She sounds horrific.
Your dd isn't being hard done to staying away. Remind dh the road to your home goes both ways if he complains you refuse to visit her. I would guess they don't visit because the smoking wouldn't be acceptable in your home.

You go no contact. If your husband wants to facilitate a relationship between his mother and his child(ren), and himself, that's on him. She can visit you at your house if he's there to organise it. Set boundaries such as your child will not be going into the house with someone smoking indoors.

OP, you mention you are a peacekeeper......but what about the peace inside you? YOUR peace? This MIL is cruel. Step back. Waaaaaaay back.

This.
She makes you feel sad, uncomfortable, hurt and angry. In what way would your DD benefit from seeing her so frequently, in the dog pooh house, with a dog that jumps up at the baby and could potentially bite, whilst FIL sits there smoking.
She has been deliberately rude to you, bitches about other family members so you can bet she does the same to you. If your DH tries to discuss anything with her she starts a screaming match, storming out.

Do you really want your DD to be around such fine examples of adult behaviour? She will use your DD to further manipulate you. Stand up for yourself and your DD and your DH since he can't do it for himself or you. Consider what kind of behaviour do you want around your DD. Its all very well being a peacekeeper and a people pleaser, but what is the price you pay for doing that with people who sound wholly unreasonable and who are deliberately unpleasant to you? You are NOT obliged to do anything that troubles or distresses you, or that you think is unsafe for DD.

And why don't you tell SIL what MIL is saying about her behind her back - doesn't she deserve to know? Why shield MIL from her own bad behaviour.

On reflection, I think I have been brought up to cause as little "drama" as possible and to actively placate anyone who acts out.
I do not want to pass this on to DD.

Should I tell SIL, even though the things MIL will definitely hurt her?
For example, MIL states she wants BIL to divorce SIL.
Says SIL cannot look after the children.
Says the children would choose to live with her if they could.
Encourages BIL to leave SIL.
Says SIL doesn't work and relies on BIL for everything.
Comments on her cleanliness and looks.
MIL is delusional, as none of these things are true.

Sounds like MIL will never approve of her darlings son's partners, no matter who they are! I wouldn't say anything to SIL unless she asks, but I wouldn't lie about it either.

Also, much empathy and thanks for those with difficult family members who have posted.

"At the moment she wants us to bring DD to see her very regularly."
As my dad used to say - "I want" doesn't mean "I get" .

"On reflection, I think I have been brought up to cause as little "drama" as possible and to actively placate anyone who acts out."
And that's where you have to start - with yourself. Embrace the drama ! Well, not really, embrace the saying 'no' and setting boundaries. For starters, stop visiting her. She brings nothing to your life other than stress and a health hazard for your DD.

What is your husband's view on this? Because he really should be prioritising his wife and child over his mother.

All those things she says behind SILs back she’s probably saying behind yours. Does your husband make an effort with your MIL? I would back away and just make no effort. Don’t arrange visits any more. Her house sounds disgusting, definitely don’t take your baby there.

Sorry, it’s not answering your question (YANBU btw) but isn’t anyone else dying to know what the present was that ended up in the bin?!

It was an edible gift that she is well known to like and is often seen eating, from a luxury retailer.

I'd asked previously what she likes, months in advance to make sure she was happy.
It hurts more because she knew we had very little money as we were savings up for a house and our DD's birth.
It was almost as though she was proud to hurt me.

She sounds like a narcissistic nightmare who has been bowed down to by her family all her life. Don't do anything you don't want to do. Your family is now your kids and your DH and if she doesn't want to make an effort then she goes without. Be prepared for her to throw her toys out of the pram and tell everyone what a bad DIL you are and how she was right all along!

I think he should have spoken to her, but having seen her reaction when someone tries to discuss anything with her that she doesn't like, I understand why he hasn't. Think storming off and dramatics.

Then let her storm off and have dramatics. Her reaction is not your problem, put yourself and your DD first! Big Girl Pants are needed

Absolutely not.

I cannot imagine why anyone would bring their children to a filthy smoking house with an abusive grandparent there.

I would go so far as to say you are really failing your children by doing it.

She showed you who she was along time, so believe her.

It's not worth remaining married to a man if he insists his abusive family members are more important than you are.

Better to get out early IMO.

She probably says the same things about you that she does about SIL- tell her and she will probably tell you the same! Imagine what this woman will say to your DD in the future. Best to keep away from her!

The only thing that matters is your husband's role in all this but you aren't answering that question despite many posters asking it.

Sorry just seen that he doesn't want to to avoid confrontation

So your DH doesn't want to raise the issue with his mother because he wants to avoid confrontation.

Then you just stop going to visit the woman, either as an entire family or at the minimum you and your DD. She is adding nothing positive to the equation so I'd just stop going.
Then when she does kick off about it, and she will, you let your DH deal with it. He won't raise it but he will have to deal with her. She doesn't get to call the shots. You arrange to be doing something, anything, with your DD when your DH plans to visit his parents. He can continue to do that if he wants to (and I wouldn't be surprised if he stops going as it won't be as fun without you taking the heat being there). Your DH has to stand up for his wife and no amount of tears from his mother will change the situation.

I have a son and I honestly don't think I'd be behaving like your MiL if and when he decides to settle down. I certainly wouldn't be making demands or turning on the waterworks if I didn't get my way (who does that as an adult).

Why don't you turn on the waterworks when you don't get your way against his mother??? See if what works on your DH.

As a MiL (in Mumsnet only the male partner's mum seems to be a MiL, but I suppose that is understandable as Mumsnet is predominantly - and quite rightly imo - a site for females), I am appalled by your MiL's behaviour @Ray92. You have not told us one thing about her, or her behaviour, that I can relate to. The way she treats you means that unless, and/or until that changes, she does not deserve to have any contact with you.

Also, there is absolutely no way that your DD should be visiting a house that has someone who is allowed to smoke indoors, living in it. As for the dog faeces on the floor, old dogs can become incontinent, and unfortunately even if their faeces are cleared up straight away, and the flooring is cleaned thoroughly with a safe disinfectant, I would still be worried that the cleaning had not managed to get rid of all the germs - especially if it is on a carpeted surface rather than a hard one. So if your DD is crawling, or at an age when she spends time playing on the floor, then I don't think she should be visiting with either you or your DH.

These points do lead me to asking you two questions, even though I don't see how any potential answers should make much, if any difference, to the advice you have already been given by PPs, but they are:

How old is your DD at the moment OP, and

How far away do your in Laws live from you?

Sorry, I have just realised that your answer to my last question could lead to me asking if they can drive and if they have a car?

I am so sorry that you are living in such a horrible scenario with your PiL, your DH must be very lovely for you to have kept going out with him after you met your potential MiL for the first time! 💐

Do nothing. Just don't go to her house, don't take DD, don't remember birthdays or Christmas for her.
How are her nasty words getting back to you? who is telling you what she says behind your back? Tell them she does the same about them, and you think she's not a nice person.

How about inviting Bil and Sil over and compare notes about what she's said?

Yes it will probably sting, but maybe not as much as you think when you realise you are not alone being on the receiving end of these unfair and unhinged comments. It might help you both to put things in perspectiv, because MIL's behaviour is unusual to say the least.
DH and his bro can hear it all from both of you. Maybe they just can't see it as they are so used to it, or each of them thinks their wife is oversensitive or exaggerating. What is the point in keeping secrets. This is becoming such an issue that being more open and transparent about everything might help.

The idea is not to be aggressive to MIL or gang up on her but for both of them to face what her actual behaviour towards you and SIL is and for them to see the effect it has on both.

Respect is a two way street.

If she is not willing to be kind and respectful then tough shit.

I would be unfair on DD to allow her continue to treat you badly.

She might change once she realises you're not a door mat.