To not make an effort with MIL?

[Ray92]

I feel as though my MIL is incredibly rude to me, so much so that I feel like making zero effort with her from now on. Only problem is, my DD. Would this be unfair on her?
I'll explain more.

MIL complained from the offset that she "didn't know me" so I made an effort to go around and tried to start multiple conversations. Blanked or one word responses. Still went around despite this.
Fast forward to our wedding-no gift, no congratulations.
Christmas present from us was thrown in the bin. Which even more strangely she told me about, laughing.
I got pregnant, she says she wants to see us more to DH. I had HG and was signed off work. She complained to everyone I didn't make the effort to see her, knowing how ill I was. At no point did she come to visit us.
DD is born, she wants to be the first to come to hospital to see us.
She adds baby's name to family tree but not mine.
At the moment she wants us to bring DD to see her very regularly. Once a week minimum, but this involves us driving there. She won't come to us but won't explain why. My main issue with us going is how uncomfortable I feel there (MIL prone to outbursts of crying or shouting if not getting her own way) but also the dog jumps up at my baby and defecates on the floor and FIL smokes.
I hear from SIL and BIL that MIL is always complaining that she never sees DD. (MIL is also awful about SIL behind her back, making very hurtful comments about her mothering abilities but I would never say this to SIL.)
What do I do!?
Continue making an effort even though it makes me so sad and uncomfortable?
Christmas is approaching and MIL wants to do things with DD and we will be expected to attend Christmas family events but I am so hurt and angry that I don't want to have anything to do with her.
Am I being a baby and need to suck it up for DD?

I hear from SIL and BIL that MIL is always complaining that she never sees DD. (MIL is also awful about SIL behind her back, making very hurtful comments about her mothering abilities but I would never say this to SIL.)

Whyever have you not shared with SIL?

Firstly, SIL appears to tell you the crap MIL comes out with
Secondly, she needs putting straight
Thirdly, and most importantly - SIL is your only potential ally here.

Stop being a martyr where everyone dumps their (fictional) hurt on you, and stand up for yourself and your feelings.

It should be obvious to your MIL that the way to see a grandchild more often is to be nice to it's mother. If she isn't capable of figuring this out, why would you spend any time with her.

If DH saw her only infrequently before, why on earth is he making you see more of her than he ever wanted to himself? Seems like he's offloaded the responsibility to you.

My DP family is very claustrophobic and he likes me to visit them. But at least they are OK to me. I only see them so often because it's important to him and he always spent lots of time with them. I wouldn't agree to this if he hadn't been bothered himself before we met and if they were nasty to me / about others.

I’m usually all for the “it’s a DH problem” argument but I’ve seen many threads on here over the years where the wife has decided her husband is wrong to keep his parents at arms length, ignoring what he knows and explains is wrong with them, because she’s got ideas about family obligation, peacekeeping or a fantasy of lovely grandparents. This has gone as far as women contacting inlaws her DH was NC with for years for his own well-being.

It’s not always as simple as a man not protecting his family from his parents.

I assume the DHs are brothers? I'd tell my DH that he needs to have an honest talk with his DB and tell him the things their mother is saying about his wife. If he refused then, yes, I'd talk to my SiL. Especially if she is a frequent visitor or her DC spend time with MiL. God knows what poison MiL is dripping in the DC's ears!

And yes, I'd go NC and refuse to have DD around her. Let your DH deal with her reaction. Since he won't stick up for you he deserves it.

DD is 6 months.
I don't drive and they live about 30 minutes away by car.

Before we had DD there was less pressure to see MIL, she complained about not knowing me so I thought if I made the effort to go around that would solve the problem.
It didn't.
DH then said that he wanted MIL to have a relationship with with DD, so I tried regardless of my feelings about how she had treated me.

With your help, I've spoken to DH tonight. He has apologised and agreed that we are to make no effort to see MIL. She can come to us if she wants a relationship with DD. He acknowledges that she is highly unlikely to make the effort.

As for SIL, I've said DH needs to talk to his brother who we are seeing this weekend.

Well done you, great news OP that you're on the same page as your DH and you're doing what's best for all of you.

Well done OP.

No need for any further conversation, as the decision has been made.

You, nor your daughter will be setting foot in her house again.

Also do not contact her again.

If your husband wishes to contact his mother that is his business but it has nothing to do with you as you will no longer be involved.

Nothing wrong with exchanging information with your SIL.

See them separately and live your lives without this poison in it.

No way would I take a baby into a smoker’s house, I find that disgusting.

Your MIL can do one.

Focus on yourself and your daughter

The dog jumps up at my baby and defecates on the floor and FIL smokes.

This is enough of a reason not to go to their house. If your 6mo isn't crawling now they will be soon, so dog poo on the floor is a major health hazard, especially since babies love to put things in their mouths. As for the smoking... Second hand smoke can lead to asthma, chest infections and worse for babies so they should have stopped this from day one (or you should have refused to visit until they did).

Agree with all the PP though, why doesn't your DH grow some balls and sort this out? I understand avoiding conflict over an unwanted birthday present, but surely his daughters health warrants some assertiveness on his part?

With your help, I've spoken to DH tonight. He has apologised and agreed that we are to make no effort to see MIL. She can come to us if she wants a relationship with DD. He acknowledges that she is highly unlikely to make the effort.

Sorry OP, I've just seen your latest update (I think I was too taken aback by the dog poo on the floor and smoking around a 6mo to finish the thread in full).

Good for you, hopefully that puts an end to it.