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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd threw her cup at me

59 replies

Dogscratchingaway · 30/09/2022 12:25

Dd has just turned 4, she’s been having some troubles with being ill recently, constipation etc and isn’t always herself when having tummy aches etc. She’s become angrier, for example, if she can’t do something, she gets frustrated really easily, she’s always been hitting if she gets cross, she never even did that when she was younger.
This morning, she had a paper cup and filled it with water. I hadn’t noticed and just saw a cup on the side, so poured the water out, she got upset, then threw the cup at me, it still had bits of water in it and it all went all over me. I was so shocked and so angry.
Is this normal behaviour? What would you do about this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dogscratchingaway · 30/09/2022 12:26

*Also been hitting when she gets cross

OP posts:
Original poster
Dogscratchingaway · 30/09/2022 12:26

Not always hitting…she never used to until the last few months

OP posts:
Hearthnhome · 30/09/2022 12:29

Say ‘that’s not very nice’ and tell her, that while I understood she wasnt well and her tummy was making her feel fed, I still expected an apology when she calmed down.

She is 4. It was a paper cup with a bit of water in. I am quite a strict parent, but given her not being well and not full able to process her emotions like an adult, I wouldn’t be angry or to upset by it.

LittleOwl153 · 30/09/2022 12:30

Get her checked out for a water infection /UTI especially if she's having tummy trouble.... can lead to all sorts of anger issues.

Beyond that I'd probably see the cup issue specifically as a toddler tantrum - though at 4 it shouldn't be the first she's had!

I wonder if you being 'so shocked and so angry' is a bit of an overreaction - probably brought on by the stress of the last few months. (Have definitely been there).

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 30/09/2022 12:30

This is normal behaviour for a frustrated 4 year old. YABU.

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 30/09/2022 12:31

If she’s in pain, feeling under the weather, she won’t understand this. She’ll just react to it. I’m a mature, supposedly sensible adult and I’m in a foul mood today as my chronic pain has flared up. Alexa very nearly went out the door because of her stupid, smart arse answers!!!
Get to the bottom of what is wrong health wise and I’m sure your dd will be a lot happier.

America12 · 30/09/2022 12:31

A few drops of water went all over you ? She's 4.

HoHoHowMuch · 30/09/2022 12:33

A small child threw an almost empty cup at you and you were so shocked and so angry. Of course you are being unreasonable!

SpinningFloppa · 30/09/2022 12:34

She’s 4, get a grip!

watcherintherye · 30/09/2022 12:35

It’s a paper cup and some drops of water! 4 year olds get cross and aren’t very good at dealing with their temper, yet. Lead by example and don’t get angry yourself over so little. You can tell her she shouldn’t throw things, but be glad it wasn’t glass or china!

Hymnulop · 30/09/2022 12:35

Wow.

vodkaredbullgirl · 30/09/2022 12:35
Hmm
BattenburgDonkey · 30/09/2022 12:36

Being angry is an over reaction on your part, it was an empty paper cup and she was upset you poured her drink away, I’d have asked her to apologise, and also apologised for pouring her drink away and had a cuddle. Hopefully she feels better soon

Thelnebriati · 30/09/2022 12:36

Its hard for them when they are developing a sense of self, start to need some independence, but lack the skills to articulate themselves or do things they want to do. They get frustrated, especially when we rock up and destroy one of their projects.
Try to see it more from her point of view. Stay calm, you need to model 'how to be an adult' for her. A paper cup and some water won't hurt you. Next time ask her 'were you doing something with that?' and if she says yes offer her a special place to put her projects 'so I don't accidentally disturb them.'

HangOnToYourself · 30/09/2022 12:37

My then 3 year old threw a toy in my face once and bust my nose, blood everywhere 🙈 I just got over it because kids are shits sometimes

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 30/09/2022 12:37

In situations like this, I try and think about how I feel as an adult when I’m in pain/tired/poorly etc. In those circumstances I can find it difficult to maintain my composure, and I’ve had the better part of 30 extra years than your daughter to practice. She’s 4, it’s easy for their emotions to overwhelm them.

I’d have probably said at the time that it wasn’t very nice, and encouraged her to help clean up any mess, but that’s it. I wouldn’t give it anymore headspace.

watcherintherye · 30/09/2022 12:38

Actually, did op’s 4 yr old get hold of her phone, and this is a reverse?

CrustyFlake · 30/09/2022 12:39

I'd have told her she needed to apologise and pick up the cup, and then I would have just let it go.

So long as these occurrences are infrequent, I'd say they are totally normal for a 4 year old. Not worth worrying about.

Iheartmykyndle · 30/09/2022 12:41

If you've got to 4 and this is the worst incident so far, you've been bloody lucky.

She'd have been told to help clean it up and we'd would have had a chat about throwing.

SlashBeef · 30/09/2022 12:41

She's 4.. pick up the cup, ignore the behaviour, time out.. whatever just manage the behavior according to how you parent. This isn't a big deal.

Lovemusic33 · 30/09/2022 12:43

Imagine being 4 years old and not being able to get your point across? 4 is a tough age, they can get frustrated, they are learning what’s expectable and what’s not and are also still learning to communicate.

DotDotaDash · 30/09/2022 12:45

Well, ill or not, I’d be miffed if you threw something of mine away I had just done without asking. Apologise and remind her to use words not chuck stuff at you when you are being a pain.

Original poster
Dogscratchingaway · 30/09/2022 12:48

Oh wow, ok, I’ve been coming at this all wrong then. We’ve had a few months of her hitting and kicking when angry and a cup being chucked in my face felt like the last straw.
Ive been so understanding with it all but spoke to my parents and a friend who said that at 4 they shouldn’t still be doing things like this.
No I feel bad for being cross with her, so hard to know what to do for the best

OP posts:
DysmalRadius · 30/09/2022 12:53

Ive been so understanding with it all but spoke to my parents and a friend who said that at 4 they shouldn’t still be doing things like this.

Do any of these people have a four-year-old? I find a LOT of people whose kids are grown forget that kids can be totally wild sometimes and you just have to roll with it!! This was a relatively minor thing and not something to worry about.

Also, constipation is the worst. Nobody can be happy when they need to poop, so I would get to the bottom of that before worrying about little outbursts like this morning's.

Good luck - it can feel so personal sometimes when they are cross, but she doesn't understand that you have feelings too and isn't doing it 'to you' so much as 'at the world'.

Thelnebriati · 30/09/2022 12:53

Talk to her, ask her how she feels, ask her if she feels frustrated. Offer to work with her to fix it. Learn to recognise her triggers and work around them. They need to learn to recognise their emotions and name them, its a step on the path to learn to regulate them.