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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd threw her cup at me

59 replies

Dogscratchingaway · 30/09/2022 12:25

Dd has just turned 4, she’s been having some troubles with being ill recently, constipation etc and isn’t always herself when having tummy aches etc. She’s become angrier, for example, if she can’t do something, she gets frustrated really easily, she’s always been hitting if she gets cross, she never even did that when she was younger.
This morning, she had a paper cup and filled it with water. I hadn’t noticed and just saw a cup on the side, so poured the water out, she got upset, then threw the cup at me, it still had bits of water in it and it all went all over me. I was so shocked and so angry.
Is this normal behaviour? What would you do about this?

OP posts:
madasawethen · 30/09/2022 12:55

Find a good book on stages of child development. It'll help you out.

Original poster
Dogscratchingaway · 30/09/2022 12:55

@DysmalRadius But what about the hitting and kicking when frustrated? We always tell her she can’t hit etc

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 30/09/2022 12:59

The trick is to help her learn to manage the early stages of 'events that can lead to frustration' so she doesn't reach that stage in the first place.
Escalating to the point where she has no option but to lash out isn't doing her any good.

RewildingAmbridge · 30/09/2022 13:01

Reward system marbles/stickers for the good behaviour, thinking time, lose marbles, take something away for the bad, among with a conversation asking her how her behaviour has affected other people, eg how do you think mummy felt when you tried to hit me? Give her tools to express her emotions she's 4 and in pain. Is her medical issue being dragged with appropriately? I know doctors can fob it off as it happened with my niece.

Hearthnhome · 30/09/2022 13:01

Dogscratchingaway · 30/09/2022 12:55

@DysmalRadius But what about the hitting and kicking when frustrated? We always tell her she can’t hit etc

And you will need to keep telling her.

Kids don’t always hear something once then never do it again.

She is poorly, frustrated and doesn’t have the emotion of an adult

Original poster
Dogscratchingaway · 30/09/2022 13:01

@Thelnebriati It seems to come out of nowhere at the moment, we seem to do something wrong in her eyes or play her games wrong and she gets cross 😫

OP posts:
Keyansier · 30/09/2022 13:01

It sounds funny and so does your OTT reaction. I wish I'd seen it.

StillNotWarm · 30/09/2022 13:02

Telling here you don't throw things at people/don't hit/ don't kick is absolutely the right thing. As is saying sorry.

Shocked and angry for a paper cup being thrown is excessive. Cross maybe. Then get on with the day.

Original poster
Dogscratchingaway · 30/09/2022 13:02

@Keyansier Are you serious?

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 30/09/2022 13:03

Dogscratchingaway · 30/09/2022 13:01

@Thelnebriati It seems to come out of nowhere at the moment, we seem to do something wrong in her eyes or play her games wrong and she gets cross 😫

We’re coming through this I think it goes with the territory

You just need to keep calm and help her manage her emotions

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 30/09/2022 13:03

Dogscratchingaway · 30/09/2022 12:55

@DysmalRadius But what about the hitting and kicking when frustrated? We always tell her she can’t hit etc

I hope this doesn’t sound patronising, but have you ever told her what she CAN do? What coping strategies does she have (deep breathing, stamping her feet, a teddy she can squeeze when she’s angry?). It can be easy to forget that children know nothing, they’re learning everything from scratch. If she’s never been taught techniques to calm down, she won’t know them.

Goldbar · 30/09/2022 13:04

If my DC (similar age) did this, I'd say that I'm sorry they're not feeling good, but we don't ever hit, kick or throw things at anyone as it's not kind and it's unacceptable to treat people like that. So could they say sorry please, because they hurt mummy/got mummy wet. And if they do it again, there will be a consequence.

IsAinmDummm · 30/09/2022 13:12

poured the water out, she got upset, then threw the cup at me, it still had bits of water in it and it all went all over me. I was so shocked and so angry.

You sound way over dramatic! In one sentence you say you emptied the cup, it only had a bit of water in it, and then it went all over you - seriously, how much water could there have been????

SlashBeef · 30/09/2022 13:26

Those people telling you it isn't normal have forgotten what having a 4 year old is like. My 9 year old is an absolute dream at the moment and I can't really recall a specific occasion of him behaving horribly or hitting anyone. He did though. My dad reminded me of when he chucked his shepherd's pie across the room when he was 4 because he didn't like it 🤷‍♀️
The rose tinted glasses come out when you get through hard periods.

DysmalRadius · 30/09/2022 13:28

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 30/09/2022 13:03

I hope this doesn’t sound patronising, but have you ever told her what she CAN do? What coping strategies does she have (deep breathing, stamping her feet, a teddy she can squeeze when she’s angry?). It can be easy to forget that children know nothing, they’re learning everything from scratch. If she’s never been taught techniques to calm down, she won’t know them.

Show quote history

I agree - we have talked about how to let out big feelings in ways that don't hurt others. Hitting a pillow, shouting (this backfired a little when my son revealed he has the LOUDEST voice ever!), jumping on the trampoline, counting to ten, saying a 'rude' word (age appropriate - mine liked 'Bin Bags'!!) - any of the things that you might do.

I am also a big fan of explaining that adults have the same feelings - we get annoyed and frustrated and the only reason we don't throw/hit/kick is because we've learned other ways to deal with it. I think it helps kids to know that adults aren't just magically not annoyed or irrational and that they will master all the ways of dealing with it as they grow and learn.

DotDotaDash · 30/09/2022 13:32

It’s a tough time if she is feeling rough and you are worried about her and her behaviour too.

id suggest lots of cuddles and spoken empathy and consideration for how she is feeling physically and also for things she is frustrated about
lots of helping her name her feelings so she can use words better and more reliably when frustrated eg
oh no I bet you are really frustrated/upset/surprised that I threw your cup of water away when you were about to use it

ages stages and phases do move on and you remain her rock x

Mariposista · 30/09/2022 13:39

Any hitting in our house and her feet wouldn't touch the ground. She would be on the naughty step for 4 minutes. Of course her stomach issues will affect her mood, but that cannot be an excuse for bad behaviour. What if she does it out in public or to a child at nursery/school?

Goldencarp · 30/09/2022 13:47

my kids are teenagers now so it’s hard to remember but they never threw anything at me or hit me but my youngest did throw things on a couple of occasions in temper. I’d ignore the behaviour, break eye contact and walk away from her. Refuse to engage until she’s stopped then praise good behaviour.

BatshitBanshee · 30/09/2022 13:53

YABU to punish her when she isn't well. A sudden display of frustrated behaviour tells me her tummy issues could actually still be present, or have turned into a water infection. Until you rule all that out, I wouldn't be punishing her.

Also: give over with the dramatics. If you emptied the cup then there wasn't that much, if anything, to throw at you. She's 4 and possibly ill. You're the adult.

ladydimitrescu · 30/09/2022 14:13

BatshitBanshee · 30/09/2022 13:53

YABU to punish her when she isn't well. A sudden display of frustrated behaviour tells me her tummy issues could actually still be present, or have turned into a water infection. Until you rule all that out, I wouldn't be punishing her.

Also: give over with the dramatics. If you emptied the cup then there wasn't that much, if anything, to throw at you. She's 4 and possibly ill. You're the adult.

This, she's 4. You need to have more patience with her.

Giveaschitt · 30/09/2022 14:14

With the hitting and kicking (and once you're happy that its not because she's ill/in pain) - we had this with my DS and just made it a hard boundary - he was a little older (5 I think - plus was during lockdown so there was a lot of anger...) - we explained to him that it was absolutely unacceptable and the he would be given one warning and then he wouldn't be allowed to play with his tablet for the rest of the day (his favourite thing...). It worked very quickly - so he'd hit/kick - we would say "right, you've hit/kicked me so this is your first warning, if you do it again you will lose your tablet" and then we stuck firmly to it.
It was hard the first few times as he then had nothing to lose (and we were very careful not to throw in lots of additional things, or extend the time he couldn't have it etc. if he carried on - we just kept to the single consequence). And we then had to go through it all again when he had calmed down and later asked to play with his tablet and would be furious when told no... But within a few days he would stop after the first warning, and within a week he'd stopped it altogether. He just needed the very clear boundary.

WeAreAllLionesses · 30/09/2022 14:16

I was reading the op's first post thinking if her DD is 18, it's a major issue - age 3, not so much!

Teadrinkingmumofone · 30/09/2022 14:25

You were so shocked and so angry? Really?

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 30/09/2022 16:12

Gosh, it sounds as if you may have bypassed the "terrible twos", somehow, and are now up against the "frightful fours"! She's still only little, though, and may be suffering and feeling as if there's no help on the horizon, it sounds as if her health needs to be sorted out first. But also, throwing a cup with a few drops of water in it, in frustration, is not behaviour that requires shock and anger on your part. I'd go with what @DotDotaDash says, upthread a bit.

itsgettingweird · 30/09/2022 16:24

My ds used to suffer with constipation and he often behaved out of character when he needed to go.

Now he's 18 and I can still tell when he needs a poo because he can't sit still!

I'd go with telling her it's not nice. Use her words etc whilst looking at ways to ease the constipation.