Would this be a mean and rotten thing to do?

[Halloweenscream]

I need to take youngest shopping at the weekend for a couple of essential bits he needs.. he's always eyeing up the cakes in the cafe but he never asks just says that they look yummy so I thought I'd treat him to a cake and hot chocolate.

Would it be very mean to leave my teenager at home? I feel guilty even considering it, but honestly I dread going anywhere with eldest. He never wants to do anything with us unless it involves buying him something. He won't want to come out but will if he knows it might involve food. Then he will guzzle down his food as quickly as possible and demand to leave or go and sit in the car because he's bored.

Eldest does get time with us alone too, and gets treated, but I hate to say it he can be a real pain in the neck and acts like a toddler.

Of course it's ok.

Totally OK, how old is the teen?

If you ask does he want to go shopping and stop at the cafe, will he say no? It sounds like it, and then you could go ahead guilt-free!

Of course it's ok, but you if you wanted to you could buy your teenager a cake to eat at home.

Teen is 14 so fine at home but I don't like treating one and not the other. But I can't be doing with his moaning and acting up when I want a nice couple of hours out.

Suppose I can always take him a cake home.

take him a cake and if he asks why he wasn't invited along tell him what you told us.

Yep!

I have 4 close in age. They get different stuff and treats at times. This is life. And if your teen can’t be pleasant on a trip out the consequence is no cake. I’m sure your teen gets stuff the little one doesn’t at times?

He sounds like a pain in the arse but I suppose it's what teenagers do. I wouldn't even bring a cake home - he gets his own time and treats.

Sounds fine to me OP.
I'd bring home a cake for the teenager

I deliberately picked my 4 year old up from nursery early last week so we could go out alone for hot chocolate and cake! I find it really hard work doing things with all 3 kids together and it can be quite chaotic when we all go out, so I try and find opportunities to take them out alone whenever I can!

I will take my older girls out shopping individually and we will go out for lunch and have a nice day out together.

Treating the children fairly doesn't mean treating them exactly the same.

Does he actually want to come or had he not been given the option before? I'd take your youngest and bring him some cake back.

These are very wise and useful words. I'll be using these myself!

Leave him at home and bring him back a cake 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would leave the teen at home but bring home a cake for him and phrase it "I knew you wouldn't want to come shopping but you wouldn't want to miss the cake." It would show you care about him.

Take him a cake home he will grunt at you but secretly appreciate you thought of him. Don't worry about doing separate nice things its find and perfectly normal ime.

I think it's important that your kids do get individual time with you. DD1 was flapping about not being able to find her phone and generally stressed and shouty this morning (is in Y13 and has a lot on just now) and DD2 was ready for school and wanted to get going. In spite of time and fuel implications I drove them both separately to school in the end, one at a time. Couldn't do that every day but it was nice that I could this morning. DD1 had time to find her phone and eat something while I took DD2 in, we had a nice chat on the way as I drove her and she had calmed down. DD2 and I also had a nice chat on the way to school.

Fine*

Yeah I’d also leave him at home and bring him back a really nice cake. That’s the fairest thing to do for everybody here

If he's going to spoil the day then of course you don't have to take him. He'll be happier at home. Just buy him a cake.

Of course it wouldn't be mean. He'd hate to come with you! I'd bring him a cake though

Why are you even asking? I'm sure the teenager gets lots of things that the younger one doesn't.

And tbh I'm not sure I'd bother taking the teenager a cake. Maybe this is mean and petty, but if he can't behave himself on trips out and instead spoils them for everyone else, it seems like karma to me that he misses the treat too. If he finds out, it's not the worst lesson in the world that if you act like an irritating, whiny so- and-so, people find that they can quite happily dispense with your company and you miss out on stuff.

also assume that the teenager had at least a few years where he had your full and undivided attention. The younger one can have this too

Have there never been times you’ve done something with the eldest and not the youngest? To me it’s good if each child gets some individual quality time. I’d go with bringing him back a cake and if he asks why he wasn’t invited you can quite genuinely say “I didn’t think you’d enjoy it”.