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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would this be a mean and rotten thing to do?

82 replies

Halloweenscream · 30/09/2022 10:59

I need to take youngest shopping at the weekend for a couple of essential bits he needs.. he's always eyeing up the cakes in the cafe but he never asks just says that they look yummy so I thought I'd treat him to a cake and hot chocolate.

Would it be very mean to leave my teenager at home? I feel guilty even considering it, but honestly I dread going anywhere with eldest. He never wants to do anything with us unless it involves buying him something. He won't want to come out but will if he knows it might involve food. Then he will guzzle down his food as quickly as possible and demand to leave or go and sit in the car because he's bored.

Eldest does get time with us alone too, and gets treated, but I hate to say it he can be a real pain in the neck and acts like a toddler.

OP posts:

PizzaWithCrab · 30/09/2022 11:30

Brefugee · 30/09/2022 11:03

take him a cake and if he asks why he wasn't invited along tell him what you told us.

☝

lanthanum · 30/09/2022 11:30

Easy:
You: "Teen1, do you want to come shopping with us?"
Teen1: "No."

Best to tell younger son not to gloat at his brother about the cake, but even if he does, it's his reward for putting up with the shopping and being pleasant company whilst doing so.

You don't have to treat them identically, just fairly. Next time you have to shop with the older one you might treat him. Or if you prefer, leave him a treat at home to have while you're out.

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 30/09/2022 11:31

You are massively over thinking this. He wants to be at home, so let him stay.

As you say, get him a cake if you want but it’s not necessary.

mondaytosunday · 30/09/2022 11:33

Just bring him a cupcake or other treat home if you want. Can't imagine a 14 year old would want to go out shopping with you anyway.

zippy2022 · 30/09/2022 11:33

It's hot chocolate and a cake, not a trip to Disneyworld.

imisscashmere · 30/09/2022 11:35

Do people always take all their kids out together/ do the same things with all of them?

I have a 2.8 year old and a 3 month old and that isn’t how I imagined our future 🫤

Fe345fleur · 30/09/2022 11:44

Absolutely fine to do this. As PP have said, it's not mean and is probably not a bad life lesson. If you can't be bothered to be pleasant enough out and about then you won't get invited for cake.

HorseInTheHouse · 30/09/2022 11:56

I love taking just one child out, they are much nicer! I don't think it's mean at all. It all evens out.

NotQuiteUsual · 30/09/2022 12:00

Each weekend I take it turns taking one child out alone. They get to pick where we go. They love it and love hearing about each others trips. All kids need to be the centre of attention sometimes!

CuteCillian · 30/09/2022 12:03

I think it is really important to do separate things from time to time with DC.

Hitchhikingghosts · 30/09/2022 12:05

zippy2022 · 30/09/2022 11:33

It's hot chocolate and a cake, not a trip to Disneyworld.

This. Op make it sound lije a huge deal. Just go out and bring the teenager a take away from McD or whatever he/she would like.

Dacadactyl · 30/09/2022 12:05

Do it. And don't worry about it, it's perfectly fine.

Sometimes I treat myself to cake and don't tell the kids lol.

Annoyingkidsmusic · 30/09/2022 12:06

This is such a non-issue.

Take your child out for a treat. The oldest will get over it. I’m sure as a teenager he has after school activities, clubs, gaming with friends, goes out with friends, etc etc. How does the younger child’s week compare?

Btw, this afternoon I am taking my middle child on a play date at a soft play centre. He’ll probably even get a bun! Eldest is getting dropped at home while his dad wfh. Am I feeling guilty? Not at all. Middle boy gets none of the 5 extra curricular activities that the eldest gets! (Due to age)
Perfect opportunity to teach them that you cannot get everything you want in life, unfortunately, and to be content with what you do get.

Gazelda · 30/09/2022 12:11

This may come across as a bit Mary Poppins, but I'd use the opportunity to show youngest how to be thoughtful to someone else.
"Shall we take a nice bun home with us for Brian?"

It shows that all your kids are on your mind, even when it's a you and youngest treat.
And the eldest might appreciate the thought.

Pixiedust1234 · 30/09/2022 12:11

Its fine to treat the youngest whilst on an essential shopping trip. It will mean they are more willing to do it in the future. You can treat the eldest when you take him shopping next time. If you treat him for bad behavior (ie kicking off so you don't take him) is only reinforcing his original bad behaviour.

Treat the one who deserves it.

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 30/09/2022 12:17

imisscashmere · 30/09/2022 11:35

Do people always take all their kids out together/ do the same things with all of them?

I have a 2.8 year old and a 3 month old and that isn’t how I imagined our future 🫤

No. Their interests are going to be different. Some things they’ll enjoy together, some things you’ll enjoy as a family and some things one will love the other will hate. 9 year old dgd and I enjoyed a few hours shopping, bought hair accessories ( for her, not me) We looked at cute pastel coloured stuff and she bought nail polish. I cannot imagine her 14 year old brother being remotely interested. Not even the offer of cake wrapped up in a £10 note would have tempted him to go with us 😀

SirenSays · 30/09/2022 12:18

Can't you just ask him if he wants to come. If he's so stroppy about it he's unlikely to say yes anyway.

BattenburgDonkey · 30/09/2022 12:20

Its both normal and healthy to give your kids treats and spend time with them both separately and together, I think its odd that you need to ask to be honest!

MyneighbourisTotoro · 30/09/2022 12:31

Buy him a cake to take home with you, that way you don’t get the guilt trip and he can’t complain as he wouldn’t of wanted to join you anyway but he still gets a treat.

Dalekjastninerels · 30/09/2022 12:32

Take your youngest only; your teenager is not interested- but yes take home a cake/pie/sausage roll whichever he likes most for him.

weemouse · 30/09/2022 12:33

Another vote for

"take him a cake and if he asks why he wasn't invited along tell him what you told us."

Fuck having a grumpy teenager ruin it for you and the wee one

MyneighbourisTotoro · 30/09/2022 12:34

imisscashmere · 30/09/2022 11:35

Do people always take all their kids out together/ do the same things with all of them?

I have a 2.8 year old and a 3 month old and that isn’t how I imagined our future 🫤

Mine don’t often get trips out separately, the odd one here, they are 18 months apart but share a lot of the same interests. I definitely couldn’t treat one without treating the other!

MsTSwift · 30/09/2022 12:34

No bad thing for a mid teen kid to learn that when they are pleasant and good company nice things happen….

BlueMongoose · 30/09/2022 12:38

If he moans all the time and spoils other people's fun I just wouldn't take him. I wouldn't take him any cake either. And I'd make it clear to him why, as well.
Two reasons: one, he's a miserable, ill-mannered, selfish sod who spoils other people's fun and people who behave like that don't get asked to things- if he wants to get asked to things he needs to consider other peopel and try to join in and get pleasure out of their fun rather than trashing it, and two, teenagers need to learn that they are not entitled to, and won't always get, exactly what other people get in life. Both valuable lessons to learn, and the earlier in life they get learned the better.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 30/09/2022 12:39

You're not taking your youngest out for the primary purpose of hot chocolate and cake - you're taking him shopping for essentials and having a small treat while you're out is just an incidental part of the day. Why does your teenager need a treat to make up for being allowed to stay at home if that's what he'd prefer?

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