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AIBU?

To consider changing my childrens surnames?

96 replies

Audienceofone · 30/09/2022 09:17

So I have a weird situation…
When I married my ex husband, I took his surname as I hated my surname because it tied me to my abusive father.

Ex husband is the father to my three children, so they also have the same surname. We are now divorced and both remarrying. My ex husband is considering taking his fiancés surname as he doesn’t want any ties with his toxic family and would prefer not to have the same surname as them, as obviously o don’t want to keep my ex husbands surname when I marry again 😬

The problem is that if I take another surname…[not sure whether I will take my mothers surname/my new husbands surname/ double barrel my mums and husbands surnames yet but I know I do not want my old (fathers) surname or my ex husbands]…and my ex takes his new wife’s surname, then my three children will have a am that nobody else has??

My ex has said he doesn’t care what I change their surnames to…but I genuinely am stuck with what to do.

We are also expecting a baby which will have my fiancés surname so will be different to my other children again.

congratulations if you got this far 😂😂 and pleaaaaase can i get some opinions because I’m super confused right now 😬

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

44 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
55%
You are NOT being unreasonable
45%
MamaBear1022 · 30/09/2022 09:19

How old are your children? Do they like their current surname?

SantaOnFanta · 30/09/2022 09:20

Just change all surnames to your new husband's name when you marry. That what I'd do. Good luck!

YellowTreeHouse · 30/09/2022 09:20

I would give them all your fiancés surname so you all match otherwise they’ll feel left out.

MissingNashville · 30/09/2022 09:23

How are are your children? What do they think?

Precipice · 30/09/2022 09:23

The biggest issue is the child's age. If you have 1-3, maybe. If they're older, I think it's a bad idea, because the children will be used to their name and likely 'identify' with it.

There's nothing wrong with the children having a name neither of their parents have any longer.

toastofthetown · 30/09/2022 09:25

Could you come up with a new surname for you and your children? Maybe your children could help find one (if they want to change surnames). You could double barrel that name with your fiancée’s name for your new baby or just use that name. That way, whatever happens if your new relationship, you have your own name. If the the relationship with your new partner breaks down, then your might want to change your surname again which would leave your children with their former stepdad’s surname.

MissingNashville · 30/09/2022 09:27

But thinking about it, if I was going to change my surname and my children’s, I would also give the new baby the same one. Your mums sounds like a good option. You could also just pick a brand new surname unrelated to anyone else for all of you.

Audienceofone · 30/09/2022 09:28

@MamaBear1022 they are 9, 7 and 4 and they do like their current surname. I’ve spoken to them and 2 said they like my fiancés surname and would like to take that but the other is unsure.

@YellowTreeHouse this is my concern, I don’t want them to feel like they’re not the same as their half sibling if it has a name that matches ours and they don’t. It’s a bit of a minefield

@SantaOnFanta ideally this is what I’d like to do, I was just worrying whether it was out of order to give my children my new fiancés surname when they’re not biologically his…I know my ex isn’t bothered and he’s barely involved with them tbh. They definitely see my fiancé as more of a father figure than they do their dad. I just don’t want to offend anyone or do anything that doesn’t sit well with people?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 30/09/2022 09:28

Why will the new baby have your fiancé's name?

Audienceofone · 30/09/2022 09:29

@toastofthetown thisnis a very good point!

OP posts:
Rovinonmars · 30/09/2022 09:29

It may make sense to return to your maiden name, and give all your children that as their surname.

If you give them your new partners surname, and you subsequently split in the future, you are all left with a surname to which you have no ties. If you revert to your maiden name, then regardless of what happens with your current partner, you will all always have the same name.

Of course, your future DH could then choose to take your surname.

Audienceofone · 30/09/2022 09:30

@pinkyredrose i still have my ex husbands surname and I dont want to give that to my baby with my fiancé 😬

OP posts:
AlongCameBetsy · 30/09/2022 09:31

Keep your own surname , I like the idea of using your mum's. Give your children that name, and double-barrel the new baby's name with yours and the dad's. Don't ever change your surname again, it's a hassle!

Dollydea · 30/09/2022 09:31

I'd just say all take your fiancé's surname, much easier then when it comes to taking them on holiday etc. Seems like the most logical option.

Backtoreality1 · 30/09/2022 09:32

If you are planning to travel at any point, give them the same surname as you, whatever it is. A friend has a complete nightmare traveling with her children as one has her current husbands name, and one her previous husbands. She is constantly pulled over on returning to the country (never on the way out surprisingly)

SliceoQuiche · 30/09/2022 09:32

My DP was the child in this scenario, aged 9. His mum asked him and his name was changed to that of his new step father, so they, and subsequent siblings, all had the same surname.
Even though is mum is divorced again he still kept the name, and identifies with it as his name even now at 39!
Just ask the kids what they think.

pinkyredrose · 30/09/2022 09:33

Audienceofone · 30/09/2022 09:30

@pinkyredrose i still have my ex husbands surname and I dont want to give that to my baby with my fiancé 😬

That's not the only option. You could create a portmanteau or a new name?

Audienceofone · 30/09/2022 09:33

@Rovinonmars returning to my maiden isn’t an option as I do not want any ties to my father. It is also easier for him to tack me down with that name which I want to avoid also.

i feel like maybe changing mine and my childrens name to my mums surname and then possibly double barrel when I get married would be the best option?

OP posts:
OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 30/09/2022 09:33

This is why women should keep their names/change their names to something they like and name their children that. All this switching and changing in order to accommodate men’s names is ridiculous.

RoseAndRose · 30/09/2022 09:33

I'd wait until sure of what you want to be known as.

One note of caution - do not give then your new fiance's name before your marriage. And consider leaving their existing surname as a new middle name.

AthenaPopodopolous · 30/09/2022 09:36

I’d double barrel your name upon marriage. So you have your children’s name and your new husband and baby’s name. I’d not change your children’s surnames though as that’s a big part of their identity. Plus I think your ex is odd to think of changing his sir name given he has children who have it.

Rovinonmars · 30/09/2022 09:36

Ok that makes sense. So you and your children could have your mum's surname, and new baby could double barrel, with yours as the final name so they could choose to use just the final name if necessary in the future, or both.

Of course you could double barrel everyone if you wanted to, but I would keep yours as the final name, and bear in mind any impact on your current children of having your partner's name.

JacquelineCarlyle · 30/09/2022 09:37

OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 30/09/2022 09:33

This is why women should keep their names/change their names to something they like and name their children that. All this switching and changing in order to accommodate men’s names is ridiculous.

Completely agree with this. If you change their names to your fiancé's name and then later divorce him, what would you propose then?

Either leave their surname as it is or pick another name altogether, whether that's your mums maiden name or something else entirely. It seems very unfair on your DCs & also confusing to them at their young ages to have their name chopped and changed because of men in their lives that they have nothing to do with.

SuperCamp · 30/09/2022 09:38

No way would I be changing my kids surnames to another man’s, as if they were pots of jam, relabelled and rebranded very time their Mum marries.

OP: I would take your Mum’s birth name, double barrel your older kids name with that, double barrel your new baby’s name with your new surname and your fiancé’s name.

eyeteevee · 30/09/2022 09:38

i feel like maybe changing mine and my childrens name to my mums surname and then possibly double barrel when I get married would be the best option?

Change it to your mums name but don't change it again. There is no need to double barrel, you can just have the same name as your children without changing it for yet another man. What happens if it doesn't work out, do you change their names again?

No. Get one name for you and your children and keep it.

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