To consider changing my childrens surnames?

[Audienceofone]

So I have a weird situation…
When I married my ex husband, I took his surname as I hated my surname because it tied me to my abusive father.

Ex husband is the father to my three children, so they also have the same surname. We are now divorced and both remarrying. My ex husband is considering taking his fiancés surname as he doesn’t want any ties with his toxic family and would prefer not to have the same surname as them, as obviously o don’t want to keep my ex husbands surname when I marry again 😬

The problem is that if I take another surname…[not sure whether I will take my mothers surname/my new husbands surname/ double barrel my mums and husbands surnames yet but I know I do not want my old (fathers) surname or my ex husbands]…and my ex takes his new wife’s surname, then my three children will have a am that nobody else has??

My ex has said he doesn’t care what I change their surnames to…but I genuinely am stuck with what to do.

We are also expecting a baby which will have my fiancés surname so will be different to my other children again.

congratulations if you got this far 😂😂 and pleaaaaase can i get some opinions because I’m super confused right now 😬

Agree with pp. Don't double barrel baby's name, have dad's surname as a middle name if it's important to him. He should try to understand the outdated tradition of name-changing and it's painful history to reverse even though as a man it probably has never occurred to him. Don't double barrel yours either unless he does the same. Even then I'd be be reluctant. You're no less of a family having different surnames honestly!

Why don't all of you (you, new husband and all the children) decide on a new name for all of you. It doesn't have to be one you have or had, just one you all like.

Leave them as they are if DC are happy - my mum changed my name when I was young, the amount of forms I've had to provide extra evidence for (mortgage, DBS, work checks, passports etc) because I'd had two names as a child was a nightmare - had to keep a copy of a court certificate thing to submit as an original each time, it wasn't fun at all!

You take your mother's surname (or choose a new one) for yourself.
Your three children either take the same surname as you or keep the one they have, which is "their" name not just your ex's name.
The new baby takes the same surname as you.
New husband can either take your new name or keep his own.
Not wishing to put a dampener on the situation but if you and the children take new husband's name and that marriage doesn't work out they will face yet another name change.

Cant your fiancé change his name to whatever you and the kids change it to? Then the new baby would have the same as all of you?

This. I think it's a lovely idea and shows the kids you're all a unit together.

Just change it to your new fiancées. Since their dad doesn't care about their names he's probably not that involved anyway

Keep the names they were given at birth, that IS their name.

Sorry, not pertinent OP, but researching family histories is going to be trickier for people in the future with so many changes of names!

Some family members have done a fair bit of tracing our family tree and I actually love seeing the recurring family names. It gives me a sense of connection to the past.

I don't think everyone having the same name makes you more of a family and I can see that there are times where people would want to get away from a name with bad associations. But for some of us, names do hold meaning and I wouldn't have wanted to pick a random name just because I liked it.

I used to work in a school and one girl had an incredibly long triple-barrelled name, think Alexandra Parkinson-Jenkins-Higginbottom! Obviously not that, but I used to wonder how they ever fitted it on forms! 😂

But then OP and her three kids are changing their names just so he can keep his and give it to the baby.

Then if they split up they have the name of a man who likely won't be in their life.

OP sounds lovely and I think it would be really nice for her fiancé to be supportive by choosing a name together and then all having it.

Then if things don't work out, it's as much the kids and OP's name as his, if that makes sense.

It would be a really nice gesture from him IMO.

Freeman, it'd neutral then

it’s only because it’s my fiancés first baby and it’s just really important to him that the baby has his surname somewhere if you have a boy you can use one of his names as a middle name and if it's a girl you could always use a female version of his name as a middle name.

So for example if he's Charles Thomas the baby could be called first name Thomas [your mum's surname] and if it's a girl you could call her first name Charlotte [your mum's surname].

If he doesn't have a name that can be easily made into a girls' name you could add his surname as a middle name.

I think it's a bit weird to change existing childrens' name to a stepfather's name until there's been a bit of a track record of him acting like a decent substitute father to them.

Here's my take on the abusive father thing. I had one of these. I also still have my own family name now that I'm married with a child (who has both our names).

My attitude to my family name is that it doesn't exclusively belong to my father and brother. It's mine. That I've made the decision to retain it means it's now no longer patrilineal. That name denotes my history, for better or worse, and it also, to me, says something upstanding and strong about the early obstacles I've overcome to become an adult and carve out my own, more positive path. It's my history, my identity, and I've never considered discarding that for the history and identity of another family with whom I don't share that past.

In your position, what I would do is a) take back your family name, keep it, and with the children's approval give it to them, b) add it to their father's family name in a double-barrel, or c) mesh yours and dad's together into a portmanteau of the two, creating a new name.

What I certainly wouldn't do is give them their stepfather's name, which to me makes even less sense than women relinquishing their own family name into the bargain of marriage.

Whatever you do, congratulations on your engagement.

Ps - there's also the option of picking a completely new name out of the hat for you all, if you really can't stomach your own family name.

Double barrre your surname with your ex husbands surname
regardless of the family toxicity it’s still their family name which they can trace back through ancestry ect

or give them your mums or ex husbands mums maiden name so there is still a family connection to their surname
I wouldn’t give fiancés name that’s just a bit weird anything can happen in future as you proved and they would be lumbered with a name with no actual connection to them

Can they have your name and your ex's? Double barrel it maybe?

I think the best option so far is to change my name to my mums and my childrens to my mums(if they want to) and double barrel the new baby’s name.

OP, I think that sounds great! (And sorry for not RTFT). A perfect solution.

That's for your current children, the. The new baby just has your name (also your fiancé's), the. There is a connection between them all.

Your mothers maiden name?

This !

Wait first to see if their dad actually changes his name. If not, I wouldn't change the kids names either.

I once dated a guy who's mum changed his name as a child, to her new husband.

It really messed him up & he would speak about it quite bitterly.

Later he changed it back as an adult to his biological father's name & got in contact with him later in life

I think your kids are too old for it & they deserve the respect of asking their permission to change/double barrel their own names, rather than you deciding this for them at this late age.

A name is part of their identity, you may confuse them & this could cause more problems than it's worth, especially if you one day split up with your current fiance.

Will you then change your kids' names depending on your current partner?

It's possible you are projecting your own issues about taking your ex's name onto them.

@GeriSignfeld i have already spoken to my children about it…if they said they wanted to keep their current name then that would be the end of the discussion, but that’s not what they have said. I will be changing my name regardless…most likely to my mums surname. I’m not projecting anything. My children just want to have the same name as me 🤷‍♀️

my husbands entire family is not allowed to have any involvement with my children for many reasons and my ex is changing his surname…i would be changing my name anyway as we are now divorced.

Let me just be clear that I am not forcing my children to do anything they don’t want to do. I’m not just changing my kids name to suit whoever I’m in a relationship with and the suggestion of that is just rude tbh 🙄 I’m giving them the option to choose themselves as I am definitely changing my name I just haven’t decided on what yet…

when I spoke to them they liked the idea of having their step dads name so that would be easiest…but comes with more issues which is why I was questioning it