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AIBU?

Adult birthdays

76 replies

Same1977 · 29/09/2022 05:45

I have friends (one of them very close ) who plan a big do for their birthday every year.
We are talking about weekend away ,or consecutive days of events (west end show,clubs,dinners etc). It's all OTT.
Previously it hasn't been an issue as we didn't live close enough ,but now I'm tired of making up excuses.I have a young child and I'm not that young anymore.I have done partying and don't want to do 3 day back to back stuff.
I have noticed more and more people around me plant their own birthdays and big dos. Telling the 'birthday girl' that I don't want to go or I'm past that is not easy as they take it personally.
How do u get out of if without looking like a party proper?
Also why has it become so popular? I grew up thinking you let others make a big deal of your achievements and big dates not organise it yourself?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

87 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
36%
You are NOT being unreasonable
64%
MrsTerryPratchett · 29/09/2022 05:48

There's two issues. You don't want to go, great, just say so.

Second though, if people like marking occasions, that's their choice. Don't use that to be your reason. There's a difference between, 'I don't do that' and 'no one should do that'.

You're worried they'll judge you because you're judging them. Don't judge them and lead by example.

themimi · 29/09/2022 05:48

Sorry to say op, but you sound a little miserable. Let them do what they want and you can opt in or opt out.

Squirrelblanket · 29/09/2022 05:52

Just don't go, decline the invitation politely. As you say, you're an adult. Be one.

It really shouldn't be bothering you so much what other people choose to do for their birthdays. No one's saying you need to do the same.

You sound like a very unhappy person.

Hesma · 29/09/2022 05:53

I’m planning a ‘big do’ next year for my 50th but every year would be draining so I totally get where your coming from. Just leave her to it if that what she wants to do.

CrustyFlake · 29/09/2022 05:54

Totally fine to not want to go on a 3 day social thing. It's not your cup of tea, and it certainly wouldn't be mine either. If you don't want to be honest you could just say you don't have childcare but you hope they have a good weekend.

I would say that you could lighten up a bit. It's ok for people to throw a celebration for their own birthday, just as much as it's ok for you to not want to participate. Age doesn't come into it. Your OP comes across as a bit miserable tbh.

Same1977 · 29/09/2022 05:56

themimi · 29/09/2022 05:48

Sorry to say op, but you sound a little miserable. Let them do what they want and you can opt in or opt out.

I can but I don't want to hurt their feelings.Im just trying to understand where it comes from.
We go out all the time so it's not as if they need a do to see their friends.Its very expensive and I cannot take days and days out form family life when I have a child under 1.
I was taught you let other praise you and you let others arrange stuff for you. Not every birthday is a big one.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 29/09/2022 05:57

Just tell them you can't afford it.

If people want an excuse for a celebration let them enjoy themselves!

nancydroo · 29/09/2022 05:58

Yes it is weird op. Do these adults really think that anyone gives a toss that it was a birthday? Once one person 'makes the most of it' then it snowballs. I get big birthdays because you might not live to see another one.

Sux2buthen · 29/09/2022 06:01

nancydroo · 29/09/2022 05:58

Yes it is weird op. Do these adults really think that anyone gives a toss that it was a birthday? Once one person 'makes the most of it' then it snowballs. I get big birthdays because you might not live to see another one.

I don't think that's why people celebrate big birthdays Confused

user1497787065 · 29/09/2022 06:01

I'm miserable about birthdays too. Why celebrate being a year closer to death.

Woodsparrow · 29/09/2022 06:07

So many women on here get upset about the lack of effort on their birthday and replies always say to plan something for themselves next time

I'd you don't want to go op fine but you do come across as a bit miserable and I'm sure there are others who want to make an effort for their friends

I always make a fuss of myself for my birthday (because I'm bloody special to!) Although it's not really something I expect others to get involved in. I always plan a weekend away hiking with a nice dinner and give DH the option to come or look after the kids. He'll come and pay for it all but God love him he's not the best planner so I like organising as I know their will be no disappointment of resentment

Darbs76 · 29/09/2022 06:14

Some people really do go OTT with minor birthdays. Just say no, not easy to offend but she will probably know you are making excuses - say you can do 1 out of 3

Same1977 · 29/09/2022 06:14

Woodsparrow · 29/09/2022 06:07

So many women on here get upset about the lack of effort on their birthday and replies always say to plan something for themselves next time

I'd you don't want to go op fine but you do come across as a bit miserable and I'm sure there are others who want to make an effort for their friends

I always make a fuss of myself for my birthday (because I'm bloody special to!) Although it's not really something I expect others to get involved in. I always plan a weekend away hiking with a nice dinner and give DH the option to come or look after the kids. He'll come and pay for it all but God love him he's not the best planner so I like organising as I know their will be no disappointment of resentment

Maybe that is why I don't understand. I never saw adult birthdays being celebrated growing up (unless they were big ones ).
I don't expect big deal out of my birthday.Its just a birthday!I don't care for prezzies as I can buy what I want myself.Isnt it why kids love birthdays?Prezzies ?
I might sound miserable but we go out all the time.Im up for a good time but I just think 'look at me' behaviour isn't in best taste?

OP posts:
Same1977 · 29/09/2022 06:16

Darbs76 · 29/09/2022 06:14

Some people really do go OTT with minor birthdays. Just say no, not easy to offend but she will probably know you are making excuses - say you can do 1 out of 3

It's not just one friend. One is close but I'm invited to self thrown dos and parties quite a lot.

OP posts:
Squirrelblanket · 29/09/2022 06:25

Is it really that hard to understand that different people think or feel differently about things? Life must be a real struggle for you OP.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 29/09/2022 06:28

Just because that’s what you think doesn’t make it OTT! How rude?!

just don’t go if you don’t want to go, no need to be a dico about it.

PamelaShipman80 · 29/09/2022 06:31

I’m completely with you. I find it odd grown ass women making SUCH a fuss of their own birthday! And as for people saying say no, that’s the issue isn’t it saying no. Losing out on your money/time/just don’t fancy it are real reasons to not want to do something but giving them as reasons is harsh!

PatientlyWaiting21 · 29/09/2022 06:31

Same1977 · 29/09/2022 06:14

Maybe that is why I don't understand. I never saw adult birthdays being celebrated growing up (unless they were big ones ).
I don't expect big deal out of my birthday.Its just a birthday!I don't care for prezzies as I can buy what I want myself.Isnt it why kids love birthdays?Prezzies ?
I might sound miserable but we go out all the time.Im up for a good time but I just think 'look at me' behaviour isn't in best taste?

stop writing, you sound as if you think you’re above it all!

wibblewobbleball · 29/09/2022 06:32

You don't have to make excuses though?! It's their choice to celebrate how they choose. So if they say they are doing a show, and a night out drinking, and a meal and also a shopping trip just say wow that all sounds awesome, how exciting! 1. Would love to come to the meal, what time and where? Or 2. Let me shout you coffee and a cake on your shopping trip as it's my day off - what day are you going? Etc etc. You don't need to make excuses about not doing the rest.

fishonabicycle · 29/09/2022 06:33

Some people enjoy going out! You don't. Neither is right or wrong.

Hillrunning · 29/09/2022 06:35

Just because you are bothered/ don't think you are worth the effort, it doesn't mean other people feel the same way about themselves.

If this same group of friends didn't do birthday events but did do the equivalent number of none person specific outings, would you be complaining and not going? Is it just the attention on a specific adult each time that gets to you?

Benjispruce4 · 29/09/2022 06:37

I don’t know anyone that does this unless it’s a big birthday. I’d just tell her that you can’t afford to do every event every year for her birthday and that you’ll come to one thing if you can.

Benjispruce4 · 29/09/2022 06:39

Also OP I’d give up on trying to persuade everyone to act like you, you’re on a hiding to nothing and it’s massive waste of your energy.

Mummadeze · 29/09/2022 06:40

I used to throw a big party for minor birthdays as I liked having a reason to get everyone together. I enjoyed planning and attending parties, so why not. I assumed my guests enjoyed the parties too. It certainly looked that way. It wasn’t about being or feeling special, it was more about giving all my friends a chance to have a good time. If you don’t want to go, just say no. There isn’t anyone in my life who would have organised something for my birthday so of course I would plan things myself!

Same1977 · 29/09/2022 06:40

Squirrelblanket · 29/09/2022 06:25

Is it really that hard to understand that different people think or feel differently about things? Life must be a real struggle for you OP.

I understand people feeling different things.What I don't understand is why it is a thing now.I have even seen countdowns on social media for bds etc.Why such self promotion?

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