Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult birthdays

76 replies

Same1977 · 29/09/2022 05:45

I have friends (one of them very close ) who plan a big do for their birthday every year.
We are talking about weekend away ,or consecutive days of events (west end show,clubs,dinners etc). It's all OTT.
Previously it hasn't been an issue as we didn't live close enough ,but now I'm tired of making up excuses.I have a young child and I'm not that young anymore.I have done partying and don't want to do 3 day back to back stuff.
I have noticed more and more people around me plant their own birthdays and big dos. Telling the 'birthday girl' that I don't want to go or I'm past that is not easy as they take it personally.
How do u get out of if without looking like a party proper?
Also why has it become so popular? I grew up thinking you let others make a big deal of your achievements and big dates not organise it yourself?

OP posts:
Original poster
Same1977 · 29/09/2022 06:42

Hillrunning · 29/09/2022 06:35

Just because you are bothered/ don't think you are worth the effort, it doesn't mean other people feel the same way about themselves.

If this same group of friends didn't do birthday events but did do the equivalent number of none person specific outings, would you be complaining and not going? Is it just the attention on a specific adult each time that gets to you?

Yes it's the ' look at me' from social media to real life.We go out all the time.Not 3 days in a row (as kost have children) but good night out.At least once a month.

OP posts:
SMrs · 29/09/2022 06:54

Same1977 · 29/09/2022 05:45

I have friends (one of them very close ) who plan a big do for their birthday every year.
We are talking about weekend away ,or consecutive days of events (west end show,clubs,dinners etc). It's all OTT.
Previously it hasn't been an issue as we didn't live close enough ,but now I'm tired of making up excuses.I have a young child and I'm not that young anymore.I have done partying and don't want to do 3 day back to back stuff.
I have noticed more and more people around me plant their own birthdays and big dos. Telling the 'birthday girl' that I don't want to go or I'm past that is not easy as they take it personally.
How do u get out of if without looking like a party proper?
Also why has it become so popular? I grew up thinking you let others make a big deal of your achievements and big dates not organise it yourself?

It does sound a little as though the friends irritate you. Perhaps you feel they're attention seekers overall? Maybe a wider issue as we all grow and change over time.

That being said I would just politely decline and make an excuse; money, childcare if you have to. If it's 3 days of celebrations maybe chose one you can and want to go to and do that.

The closer I am to 40, the more inclined I've become to say no to things if I really don't want to do them rather than worrying about letting others down.

KangarooKenny · 29/09/2022 06:55

Learning to say no is very freeing. Just say no.

Rockingcloggs · 29/09/2022 06:55

Why not such 'self promotion'?! Why do I have to wait for someone else to 'praise me' on my birthday?! If you can't promote yourself then why should anyone else?

Incidentally, I don't do parties, anyones parties! I am incredibly antisocial and I am quite vocal about it. It's a running joke with my friends that if they're organising something, then they can invite me all they like but they won't be seeing me and they're fine with this! I'm the friend who will help dig them out of holes, who will answer the phone in the middle of the night when something goes tits up but not the one to stand in a venue sipping Prosecco!

Why not just tell them you don't want to go to birthday parties or the big 'dos' that they're organising but you hope they have a fab time?

We're dead a long long time so if someone wants to celebrate another orbit of the sun in a spectacular fashion then well done them!

PatientlyWaiting21 · 29/09/2022 06:59

Same1977 · 29/09/2022 06:40

I understand people feeling different things.What I don't understand is why it is a thing now.I have even seen countdowns on social media for bds etc.Why such self promotion?

Show quote history

It’s not just a thing now 😂 many people have always celebrated their birthday, and for many it’s that one time of year they can all get together. Ugh bowing out of this thread!

chopc · 29/09/2022 07:00

@Same1977 so your "all the time" is once a month?
Until I read that I was wondering what made you so popular !

KiraKiraHikaru · 29/09/2022 07:01

It’s always been a thing, it’s not new. Just sounds like you’re a miserable person from a boring family.

EbbyEbs · 29/09/2022 07:03

I agree with you OP - I grew out of birthday excitement when I was in my teens. I barely mark mine … I’m usually at work anyway on the day. Infact I think I was at work on my 40th!!

With regards to other oriole’s birthdays - I just say I can’t go. No excuse necessary. If they really push for an excuse I say I’m working that day.

Original poster
Same1977 · 29/09/2022 07:04

chopc · 29/09/2022 07:00

@Same1977 so your "all the time" is once a month?
Until I read that I was wondering what made you so popular !

When you got kids yes going out on big night out once a month is a lot.Dinners and small social things Is different.

OP posts:
Mouk · 29/09/2022 07:06

I don't get people who make a big production of their birthday every year. Big birthdays I can understand (40th, 50th etc...)

YANBU

Original poster
Same1977 · 29/09/2022 07:07

KiraKiraHikaru · 29/09/2022 07:01

It’s always been a thing, it’s not new. Just sounds like you’re a miserable person from a boring family.

Insulting my family?Nice

OP posts:
EfficientDynamics · 29/09/2022 07:09

I get why youngsters celebrate, they want to be older

Not sure why adults celebrate a birthday. You do realise you're a year closer to death? Is that what's being celebrated?

Seems very weird

Brefugee · 29/09/2022 07:09

People can celebrate how they like. Celebrating your own achievements is fine (even if it is just "have stayed alive another whole year, go me!") - tbh we should all do a lot more of that.

People (on MN?) are so black and white. And going from a lot of recent posts, people have forgotten how to a) politely decline an invitation and b) accept a politely declined invitation (even if that is "thank you for the invitation, sorry, I won't be attending")

Chdjdn · 29/09/2022 07:10

I’ve not seen this if I’m honest and what I’ve learnt from life and mumsnet is that it you don’t organise something yourself others rarely do.
If you can’t go to these things then just be honest that you can’t afford it etc. life is hard going and people plan things to look forward to and give themselves a bit of joy in their life.

MrsClatterbuck · 29/09/2022 07:12

Don't know anyone who does this apart from the time we did three events for my mum but then she was turning 90. For my birthday the only stipulation is that I don't cook and have a nice day out. Big birthdays we have gone away the last two.

YellowTreeHouse · 29/09/2022 07:12

YABU. You don’t want to go, don’t go.

But don’t be so rude and dismissive about what other people like to do just because you don’t have the balls to say no and look like a misery guts.

Hbh17 · 29/09/2022 07:15

It does seem very narcissistic to expect other people to make a fuss of an adult's own birthday. I don't mind getting older, but I find my own birthday excruciatingly embarrassing so I just ignore it completely and everyone else does the same. And as for so-called "big" birthdays, that is even more bizarre!

Aprilx · 29/09/2022 07:15

Same1977 · 29/09/2022 05:56

I can but I don't want to hurt their feelings.Im just trying to understand where it comes from.
We go out all the time so it's not as if they need a do to see their friends.Its very expensive and I cannot take days and days out form family life when I have a child under 1.
I was taught you let other praise you and you let others arrange stuff for you. Not every birthday is a big one.

Show quote history

Have you seen the number of threads where people have sat around waiting for others to arrange something for them and then spending the day in tears because nothing is arranged. I find it odd. On the whole I have always found people quite involved in arrangements for their own birthday parties. I am not really a party person, but I always plan what I would like for my own birthday, be it a meal, spa, holiday, whatever.

If you don’t want to go for three days, and I agree that is a lot then just say so, “I can only make the Friday”. And stop trying to bring everyone down to your own misery level.

Sally573 · 29/09/2022 07:15

It's not just one friend. One is close but I'm invited to self thrown dos and parties quite a lot.
So many sad posts on MN about people not having any friends/always the one to be making the effort and here you are moaning that you're being invited to parties left right and centre! Sounds like loads of fun to me. Why shouldn't people celebrate their birthday especially now when life is such a shitshow?? Good for them! I think I'd rather be their friend than yours.

Lcb123 · 29/09/2022 07:15

Some people want to do that - why does it matter? Just decline nicely. Or maybe go along and have fun! I think post Covid some people are wanting to make up for missed celebration

Fadeout83 · 29/09/2022 07:16

Perfectly normal in lots of cultures to make a huge fuss of birthdays.

But in any case, honestly it’s just none of your business. I sense a bit of jealousy though - do you wish you were a bit like this? It’s ok to celebrate oneself. And it’s ok for you to think it’s “not in best taste”. We each have our preferences. Just don’t go. Let others have fun

GreyGoose1980 · 29/09/2022 07:17

I don’t think you are unreasonable not to go OP and I’d also find it hard to (and not necessarily want to) do expensive three day celebrations with friends for all their birthdays. However your comment about being taught that others should arrange things for you sounds a bit passive. If friends want to have fun by arranging a birthday do then it’s up to them and when it’s a big birthday for me I happily arrange my own get together in consultation with friends as most of my friends do. Also whilst I wouldn’t wouldn’t want to do loads each birthday I would expect to mark my closest friends birthdays with a meal or coffee and cake etc.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 29/09/2022 07:18

EfficientDynamics · 29/09/2022 07:09

I get why youngsters celebrate, they want to be older

Not sure why adults celebrate a birthday. You do realise you're a year closer to death? Is that what's being celebrated?

Seems very weird

This thread is bizzare! I don’t know anyone who celebrates being a year closer to death, we celebrate life, regardless of age.

guess depends if your glass half full and all that.

Lovesacake · 29/09/2022 07:24

I always arrange something fun for my birthday, why not? Life is short and it’s as good excuse as any to do something a bit special. No one is obliged to join in but it’s a bit off to be so negative and judgmental towards people that you (presumably, seeing as they’re your friends) care about. If you care about them why not be happy that they’re happy even if you opt out of the actual event?

oviraptor21 · 29/09/2022 07:24

I agree OP.
Going out with friends is great.
Going on weekends away with friends is great.
But I've never seen the need for it to revolve around one person's birthday.
If you want a party/weekend away just throw a party or organise the weekend away. As an adult you don't need presents and the attention will be on you to a certain degree anyway if that's what you want.