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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Missing money turned up (very annoyed)

109 replies

CakeMonster1 · 28/09/2022 18:14

Just wanting to know if I'm being unreasonable. Pretty sure I'm not, but unsure how to go about it ...

Moved to Scotland with hubby and 2 DC several years ago, we packed almost everything but had to leave a lot of stuff as wouldn't fit in the removal van and car which was devastating tbh, my mother offered to store our remaining boxes in her garage.

We didn't realise what was in the boxes at the time as was so chaotic.

Been back several times (a very very long journey) hoping to sort the stuff out or transport remaining stuff out to bring home.
Whenever we've been, it's always been arranged weeks in advance however when we've arrived we've been unable to get our boxes and stuff due to some problem or another (we cant find the garage key, there's too much stuff in the way so you will have to get it next visit) it's ended up a case of we haven't bothered going and thought what's the point. It's like our belongings are held to ransom.

Anyway, mother's house went up for sale (weren't even told) so last visit which was arranged she had out everything in secure storage with her belongings so we couldn't get our stuff. She didn't have the decency to tell us.

Just last week I sent a message as she never answers the phone saying we will plan a trip there can we arrange for us to get out stuff from storage etc, she replied 'oh I'm visiting Scotland so will bring the stuff up' well she didn't come, but I received a message saying,

'sorted through your stuff, most of it was not much apart from #*"£ (DS) steif bear and a money box from his christening, won't tell you how much was in the money box lol'

Absolutely fuming, so all our stuffs been thrown away/donated to charity as I rang her immediately. The steif bears now back in storage and she just laughed when I asked for the money box back. The money box has sentimental value, not so bothered about the money as the notes probably aren't in circulation but it's besides the point, it's not my money it's DS money. 😡

AIBU - I'm making a fuss about nothing
YANBU - she had no right to do what she did and it's DS money

OP posts:
Brody77 · 28/09/2022 19:20

I’m so sorry op that is truly really awful behaviour and hurtful. I feel so frustrated in your behalf for the posters that don’t get it. Yes I’d go nc and hope it sinks in with her what her behaviour regarding this has caused.Flowers

Noteverybodylives · 28/09/2022 19:25

The value of the stuff or money wouldn’t bother me so much but her attitude absolutely stinks and she has not allowed you to get any of your things which is so wrong.

I would tell her that it was a shitty thing to do and then go very, very low contact.

Bimblybomeyelash · 28/09/2022 19:31

This is one of those strange posts with a really misleading title.

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 28/09/2022 19:31

Your mother has behaved dreadfully, I am gobsmacked she can treat her dd and dgc like that.
You don’t think she sold off/ used the money years ago and that’s why she’s fobbed you off so many times? It does seem odd behaviour when you’ve travelled so far, so many times.
I hope you’re all happier living in Scotland.

Ridley10 · 28/09/2022 19:34

That’s terrible and your mum sounds really horrible.

Xmasfairy86 · 28/09/2022 19:34

Bimblybomeyelash · 28/09/2022 19:31

This is one of those strange posts with a really misleading title.

Glad it’s not just me thinking that.

I can’t understand your mums behaviour, it’s truly out of order. Especially where your son’s belongings are concerned. Moving that far away was probably the right thing to do

UneFoisAuChalet · 28/09/2022 19:35

Right, another Judge Judy type case!

OP, unfortunately, it appears you abandoned your property. Although, to be fair, you wrongly (or rightly) believed it was safe as your mother was looking after it. However, despite many trips back to retrieve your property over the years you never did, which implies it was unwanted and abandoned, which is why your mother thinks it’s hers.

The first opportunity you had to go collect your items (6 months not 6 years) and the moment you realised she was withholding it, you needed to go in guns blazing. ‘Mother, I am driving to yours, with a van on x day at y time and have organised a locksmith to open the door. I will be collecting ALL my belongings’ (if you obstruct me in any way, I’ll call the police - optional, but effective if she’s really stopping you).

Unfortunately, the onus was on you to get your stuff no matter how shitty your mother has behaved.

Pixiedust1234 · 28/09/2022 19:42

Im sorry op, that was beyond nasty of her. I'm guessing she sold it all very early on or a boyfriend did and that's why there were so many excuses over the years. It had gone.

Ask her to send the bear and money box by royal mail WITH TRACKING, say you will reimburse her the postage if she whatsapp a picture of the receipt (which is why I say royal mail not hermes or DHL etc,) on receiv8ng the items, not before.

The money is gone so concentrate on those two items. Once you get them cut her out of your life. If she ever questions it be blunt. You don't like thieves.

gamerchick · 28/09/2022 19:43

I get it OP.

Personally I'd go down if possible. Have the confrontation, get the money box back and tell her you never want to hear from her again.

If it isn't, tell her you never want to hear her voice or read any messages from her anymore and to leave you alone.

It's shit when your mother has no cares about your belongings. Mines thrown loads out and waved me off if I objected. Couldn't wait to see the back of her personally. Good riddence.

deedledeedledum · 28/09/2022 19:44

Shoxfordian · 28/09/2022 18:25

It seems like you’ve had plenty of opportunities to be a bit more competent and get your stuff back but failed to do it tbh

Your mum shouldn’t steal your money but maybe she considers it a storage fee after all this time

tell us you didn't read the full post without telling us you didn't read the full post

mam0918 · 28/09/2022 19:47

If you have been trying to retrieve it and they have been stopping you then its not abandoned property and they cant do that, honestly she stolen not just from you but your husband and child and you need to act on that.

Fingeronthebutton · 28/09/2022 19:47

Cakemonster
I’ve had far far worse from a sister. For you and your family’s sake you have to put this behind you. It won’t happen in a day,week, year, but it will pass.

longtompot · 28/09/2022 19:49

Pinkdelight3 · 28/09/2022 19:12

I don't understand how you can't know what was in the boxes. You knew what was in the boxes you had in Scotland, so obviously everything else you had was in the other boxes, so you could work out what was at your mum's. If you couldn't figure that out or miss it during the years you were without it, maybe she was right that it wasn't anything worth keeping. I'm another baffled that you'd put up with her excuses for years after repeatedly going there to get your items, but you've accepted you've been a mug and so the only constructive thing is to be tougher in future and listen to your gut. If you want a locksmith (or whatever the equivalent instinct is in future scenarios, get one and don't be fobbed off.

I'd forgotten stuff which was in boxes in our house a year or so after we'd moved!

When dh & I were between houses, before he was a dh even, his parents stored our stuff in their empty and unused garage. When we came to have somewhere to put our stuff, it was all gone. His mum and siblings went though it all, took what they fancied and binned the rest. It was hurtful to see our items in their houses years after the fact.

If people have an issue storing someone else's items, especially circumstances like yours op, then they shouldn't offer. Or, if they want a time limit then they should set one.

mam0918 · 28/09/2022 19:51

UneFoisAuChalet · 28/09/2022 19:35

Right, another Judge Judy type case!

OP, unfortunately, it appears you abandoned your property. Although, to be fair, you wrongly (or rightly) believed it was safe as your mother was looking after it. However, despite many trips back to retrieve your property over the years you never did, which implies it was unwanted and abandoned, which is why your mother thinks it’s hers.

The first opportunity you had to go collect your items (6 months not 6 years) and the moment you realised she was withholding it, you needed to go in guns blazing. ‘Mother, I am driving to yours, with a van on x day at y time and have organised a locksmith to open the door. I will be collecting ALL my belongings’ (if you obstruct me in any way, I’ll call the police - optional, but effective if she’s really stopping you).

Unfortunately, the onus was on you to get your stuff no matter how shitty your mother has behaved.

it WASNT abandoned, she tried several times to collect it and the possesor made excuses why she couldn't.

It's only abandoned if OP made no attempts not if the possesor (who has a legal obligation to keep it safe and allow its collection) refuses to hand it over and since you mention Judge Judy she explains that clearly and regularly in these types of cases.

Teenyliving · 28/09/2022 19:51

My mother has been holding my belongings hostage for 15 years.

we are NC now. But before it used to be a continual story of how much I was taking advantage of her by storing stuff changing to I was being ridiculous to talk about storing it elsewhere.

it’s all about power OP and it’s exhausting. Its all my childhood stuff and there are some things I wished I had but I can live happily without it.

some people on this thread get it but some don’t - the ridiculous psychological warfare thst your mother is waging.

Teenyliving · 28/09/2022 19:53

@Pinkdelight3 be glad you can’t understand the craziness of this maternal power play…

lljkk · 28/09/2022 20:19

I'd like to know how many years ago was "several"

StrangeLookingParasite · 28/09/2022 20:31

UneFoisAuChalet · 28/09/2022 19:35

Right, another Judge Judy type case!

OP, unfortunately, it appears you abandoned your property. Although, to be fair, you wrongly (or rightly) believed it was safe as your mother was looking after it. However, despite many trips back to retrieve your property over the years you never did, which implies it was unwanted and abandoned, which is why your mother thinks it’s hers.

The first opportunity you had to go collect your items (6 months not 6 years) and the moment you realised she was withholding it, you needed to go in guns blazing. ‘Mother, I am driving to yours, with a van on x day at y time and have organised a locksmith to open the door. I will be collecting ALL my belongings’ (if you obstruct me in any way, I’ll call the police - optional, but effective if she’s really stopping you).

Unfortunately, the onus was on you to get your stuff no matter how shitty your mother has behaved.

This is exactly the answer - with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight, which none of us actually have.

ChickinMarango · 28/09/2022 20:39

Sorry but she hasn’t just gone into the boxes, has she? She ransacked them a long time ago hence the issues that have cropped up every time.

Now after years she’s finally come clean, acting like it’s a recent thing. Are you aware of any money issues she may have had?

KosherDill · 28/09/2022 20:40

I'll bet that money has been gone for ages. Does she have addiction, or is she into lottery, gambling etc?

Sorry that happened to you. Agree, let her go it alone from now on. She sounds spiteful and taunting.

LuckyLil · 28/09/2022 20:41

Your mother sounds deeply unpleasant and I'd agree there's no coming back from something this hurtful. Time to cut her out of your life, she's obviously enjoying tormenting you. This will be a psychological game to her and she's clearly getting a kick out of doing this to you. I read about fractured relationships like this all the time and my mother was so loved and so precious to us that it's just beyond my comprehension that a mother could behave this way toward her child. I'm so sorry, you're worth more than this x

oldstudentmum · 28/09/2022 20:41

Hey Cookie Monster I’m with a lot of other posters go nc. What a horrid thing to do to you and your family. I think she knew the value and thought you’d either forget or think it was lost. What an awful thing to do to you all. Things that are irreplaceable.
Like others forget her she has shown you who she is , remember that.
I’m four years down from when someone who shows you who they are, it shocked me as I always thought they were good people,but it seemed I was wrong.
It would appear they always needed me more than I them.
best wishes xx

200degrees · 28/09/2022 20:45

@longtompot wow, did you not ask for the stuff you recognised back?

rhianfitz · 28/09/2022 20:46

I'm really sorry to hear that, I would be gutted too

Siepie · 28/09/2022 20:52

Mumsnetters really will say anything just to argue with an OP. Even justifying stealing from a child apparently!

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