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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think his messages are very strange and formal??

56 replies

pritixxx · 28/09/2022 16:41

I am recently back in contact with an ex from years ago. The relationship itself was really fulfilling as we both worked in niche areas of health, and we just enjoyed a lot of the same hobbies/philosophical interests. It ended on his terms but for flimsy reasons like he didn’t think people in good functioning relationships should ever argue. I only remember arguing about petty things very infrequently for example if one of us was late back from something and left the other person waiting.

He actually dumped me on my birthday after making me travel to his place (over 2 hours from mine and I didn’t drive at the time!).

Not an excuse, but he had a pretty awful upbringing - emigrated here aged 11, father died aged 13, mother was very emotionally and physically abusive (I witnessed a lot of the emotional abuse)

I made my peace with the fact that you can have a lot in common with someone, be attracted to each other, have a good sexual connection, but if the other person has unresolved issues it won’t ever work.

My ex emailed me out of the blue at the start of this year asking how I was. This escalated into a lot of messaging and eventually meeting up. We were meeting up so regularly and it was really friendly and easy-going.

Mutual friends kept asking what was happening with us, and kept saying that my ex had never moved on, spoke about me often & told his best friend (who I am related to) that he can’t imagine being in a relationship with anyone else.

My ex abruptly asked me a few weeks ago whether I had slept with anyone else since we broke up or had dated anyone else, he then added to the question “because I haven’t and I don’t really want to talk about it if you have”. It confused me tbh, we’ve been apart a long time and I have dated a few people casually.

We will feel close for a few weeks and then he backs off - like not replying to messages for days on end. Then comes back like nothings happened.

he’s recently started texting me “I’m round your ways for work today. Thought I’d let you know” … which seems oddly formal when we meet up regularly & it doesn’t specifically ask to make any plans?

it almost feels like he’s not arsed about seeing me or not, but I just don’t understand why he messages at all - not like I’d know if he was by mine or not!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 28/09/2022 16:42

He’s toxic
Block him

nancydroo · 28/09/2022 16:44

Sounds like he just wants you around

EmmaH2022 · 28/09/2022 16:46

OP "I made my peace with the fact that you can have a lot in common with someone, be attracted to each other, have a good sexual connection, but if the other person has unresolved issues it won’t ever work."

best suggestion I can make is continue in peace and don't respond to him, or ask him not to contact you, or block.

I absolutely understand hankering after someone who is probably dreadful. It's false hope. Ignore that feeling and get on with your life.

Zott · 28/09/2022 16:48

I’d walk away. He sounds too complicated.

Original poster
pritixxx · 28/09/2022 16:50

EmmaH2022 · 28/09/2022 16:46

OP "I made my peace with the fact that you can have a lot in common with someone, be attracted to each other, have a good sexual connection, but if the other person has unresolved issues it won’t ever work."

best suggestion I can make is continue in peace and don't respond to him, or ask him not to contact you, or block.

I absolutely understand hankering after someone who is probably dreadful. It's false hope. Ignore that feeling and get on with your life.

Oh yes, I know it’s time to put a stop to it. I’ve done it before so I can do it now.

I just honestly don’t understand how you can go from being very nice to each in person to sending very formal texts saying “I thought I’d let you know”… okay?? Surely you’d text a friend the day before and say something normal like let’s have a coffee or do you want to meet up. I don’t know why but the texts really bother me!

OP posts:
ICanHideButICantRun · 28/09/2022 16:51

What nationality is he, OP? He sounds absolutely awful and I wondered whether he was from a culture that believes women don't have any right to bodily autonomy. I hope you haven't answered his question.

If you get back with this absolute shit then you know you're in for a very difficult future.

Jaffacats · 28/09/2022 16:56

Yanbu. He’s doing the dance of closeness and distance. His remark about not wanting to bother if you’d been with someone else is a bad sign. It’s none of his business if you’d seen other people, he’d ended the relationship by dumping you on your birthday!

His background sounds very painful but only he can work through those difficulties. Save yourself the heartache and find someone who’s emotionally less complicated.

cherrysthename · 28/09/2022 17:00

That doesn't sound a formal way of speaking to me. He's hinting for you to ask if he fancies meeting up as he's around anyway. Seems a normal enough conversation. Definitely not formal.
However I wouldn't bother with him based on other things (ie the expectation that you wouldn't have dated or slept with anyone else!)

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 28/09/2022 17:01

Avoid. Block. Forget.

No good can come of this.

gogohmm · 28/09/2022 17:02

He sounds like he's testing the waters to me. He doesn't want to outright invite himself around, he's hinting to see if you are thinking along the same lines.

You both obviously have issues from the past, only you can know if this is a potential relationship you wish to pursue. For what it's worth, we don't argue, discuss not argue ... it's not inevitable

DowntonCrabby · 28/09/2022 17:03

Red flags galore, added to how exhausting he sounds I’d block and move on with your life. You really do deserve much better Flowers

Original poster
pritixxx · 28/09/2022 17:11

gogohmm · 28/09/2022 17:02

He sounds like he's testing the waters to me. He doesn't want to outright invite himself around, he's hinting to see if you are thinking along the same lines.

You both obviously have issues from the past, only you can know if this is a potential relationship you wish to pursue. For what it's worth, we don't argue, discuss not argue ... it's not inevitable

Why hint though? It’s not like we’ve not met up in years, he sends these when we last saw each other a week or so ago. Its like he’s being uncomfortable asking to spend time with me, but then can spend a whole day and night at my place??

Like surely he knows I would like to see him, he could just say “do you want to meet up?”

He also sends texts like “I’ve just been up your ways, but can’t stop to say hi today”

…. then why bother telling me?

OP posts:
Original poster
pritixxx · 28/09/2022 17:15

cherrysthename · 28/09/2022 17:00

That doesn't sound a formal way of speaking to me. He's hinting for you to ask if he fancies meeting up as he's around anyway. Seems a normal enough conversation. Definitely not formal.
However I wouldn't bother with him based on other things (ie the expectation that you wouldn't have dated or slept with anyone else!)

I just don’t understand the hinting though. I’ve asked him round my place plenty of times this year and he’s come over. It’s obvious I would like to see him, he could just ask?

He also tells me times he’s in my hometown but can’t stop and say hello that day… why?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2022 17:17

He's a walking, talking toxic red flag and all he's ever going to do is fuck you about.

You should have told him to go fuck himself when he asked if you had sex with other people. That's absolutely none of his business and I'd be massively unimpressed that he asked. He sounds like a nightmare, honestly.

GroggyLegs · 28/09/2022 17:19

He
Sounds
Exhausting

Original poster
pritixxx · 28/09/2022 17:27

ICanHideButICantRun · 28/09/2022 16:51

What nationality is he, OP? He sounds absolutely awful and I wondered whether he was from a culture that believes women don't have any right to bodily autonomy. I hope you haven't answered his question.

If you get back with this absolute shit then you know you're in for a very difficult future.

I don’t think it’s anything to do with ethnicity at all, it’s just a very him thing to ask/say. He’s very prudish around talking about sex.

OP posts:
littleburn · 28/09/2022 17:31

Blowing hot and cold is very toxic behaviour - it keeps you on edge as you never really know where you stand or what you mean to the person doing it. Whether it's intentional or not - and whether the person is acting out from a difficult childhood or is a stone cold manipulator - is irrelevant, the impact on you is the same. Stay well away and don't get pulled back in OP!

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/09/2022 17:36

Quite simply, he is not a functioning adult and it is not your responsibility to fix him.

I would block him, from communication channels but also from your life.

kingtamponthefurred · 28/09/2022 17:45

He also sends texts like “I’ve just been up your ways, but can’t stop to say hi today”
…. then why bother telling me?

You could text back 'can't talk now, busy shagging'.

nancydroo · 28/09/2022 17:47

kingtamponthefurred · 28/09/2022 17:45

He also sends texts like “I’ve just been up your ways, but can’t stop to say hi today”
…. then why bother telling me?

You could text back 'can't talk now, busy shagging'.

😂 😂

FKATondelayo · 28/09/2022 17:51

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2022 17:17

He's a walking, talking toxic red flag and all he's ever going to do is fuck you about.

You should have told him to go fuck himself when he asked if you had sex with other people. That's absolutely none of his business and I'd be massively unimpressed that he asked. He sounds like a nightmare, honestly.

100% this

Noteverybodylives · 28/09/2022 17:53

I think he has some major issues from his past (who wouldn’t).

But unfortunately there is nothing you can do to ‘fix’ him and you are just wasting your time.

Move on with your life and put a complete end to this friendship.

You may find in a couple of years time once he’s sorted himself out that you’ll end up together but in the meantime don’t waste your life waiting for something that may never happen.

FWIW one of my male friends sounds a bit like him.
He had no interest in relationships or dating and basically just wanted sex and fun. Until someone who he actually liked came along and he was immediately a completely different person.

We have to ignore what people say and focus on how they behave.
If someone wants to be with you they’ll stop all of the games and show you.

ThreeRingCircus · 28/09/2022 17:54

GroggyLegs · 28/09/2022 17:19

He
Sounds
Exhausting

I totally agree. He sounds like way too much hard work. It shouldn't be this confusing or frustrating OP.

FWIW I don't know why you're giving someone that dumped you on your birthday after you'd spent 2 hours traveling to see him the time of day. Just tell him the renewed contact isn't working for you and you want to go your separate ways permanently this time. Then block him.

StridTheKiller · 28/09/2022 17:57

I have a similar one OP and you sum it up succinctly with your 'making pesce' paragraph.
I've accepted that wevhave an amazing connection and i adore the man, but he has unresolved issues and i can't see him resolving them, so I've wrapped him up in tissue paper and stored the lovely memory away.

Original poster
pritixxx · 28/09/2022 17:58

Noteverybodylives · 28/09/2022 17:53

I think he has some major issues from his past (who wouldn’t).

But unfortunately there is nothing you can do to ‘fix’ him and you are just wasting your time.

Move on with your life and put a complete end to this friendship.

You may find in a couple of years time once he’s sorted himself out that you’ll end up together but in the meantime don’t waste your life waiting for something that may never happen.

FWIW one of my male friends sounds a bit like him.
He had no interest in relationships or dating and basically just wanted sex and fun. Until someone who he actually liked came along and he was immediately a completely different person.

We have to ignore what people say and focus on how they behave.
If someone wants to be with you they’ll stop all of the games and show you.

That’s what I really don’t understand though. He is getting no sex from me whatsoever!

OP posts: