To think his messages are very strange and formal??

[pritixxx]

I am recently back in contact with an ex from years ago. The relationship itself was really fulfilling as we both worked in niche areas of health, and we just enjoyed a lot of the same hobbies/philosophical interests. It ended on his terms but for flimsy reasons like he didn’t think people in good functioning relationships should ever argue. I only remember arguing about petty things very infrequently for example if one of us was late back from something and left the other person waiting.

He actually dumped me on my birthday after making me travel to his place (over 2 hours from mine and I didn’t drive at the time!).

Not an excuse, but he had a pretty awful upbringing - emigrated here aged 11, father died aged 13, mother was very emotionally and physically abusive (I witnessed a lot of the emotional abuse)

I made my peace with the fact that you can have a lot in common with someone, be attracted to each other, have a good sexual connection, but if the other person has unresolved issues it won’t ever work.

My ex emailed me out of the blue at the start of this year asking how I was. This escalated into a lot of messaging and eventually meeting up. We were meeting up so regularly and it was really friendly and easy-going.

Mutual friends kept asking what was happening with us, and kept saying that my ex had never moved on, spoke about me often & told his best friend (who I am related to) that he can’t imagine being in a relationship with anyone else.

My ex abruptly asked me a few weeks ago whether I had slept with anyone else since we broke up or had dated anyone else, he then added to the question “because I haven’t and I don’t really want to talk about it if you have”. It confused me tbh, we’ve been apart a long time and I have dated a few people casually.

We will feel close for a few weeks and then he backs off - like not replying to messages for days on end. Then comes back like nothings happened.

he’s recently started texting me “I’m round your ways for work today. Thought I’d let you know” … which seems oddly formal when we meet up regularly & it doesn’t specifically ask to make any plans?

it almost feels like he’s not arsed about seeing me or not, but I just don’t understand why he messages at all - not like I’d know if he was by mine or not!

He actually dumped me on my birthday after making me travel to his place (over 2 hours from mine and I didn’t drive at the time!).

Someone who can behave like that isn't worth giving a second chance. That is horrible behaviour. He will likely do it again.

My ex abruptly asked me a few weeks ago whether I had slept with anyone else since we broke up or had dated anyone else, he then added to the question “because I haven’t and I don’t really want to talk about it if you have”.

Don't believe him.

“I’m round your ways for work today. Thought I’d let you know”

“I’ve just been up your ways, but can’t stop to say hi today”

He's either shagging someone else nearby and wants his excuses in pre-emptively in case you or a mutual friend see him, or he's managing your expectations downwards. Possibly both.

I would lay a bet on him having these stock phrases that he uses for women, which is why they sound oddly formal when used.

Well, he wants you nicely lined up so he can monkey branch from whoever he's currently shagging to you!

Let me translate for you.

If you have regrown your virginity/stayed pure since he dumped you, then he would like to resume shagging with no danger of emotional commitment of catching anything infectious. Subject to satisfactory medical clearance and lying flat , you can reapply for your previous role as his doormat.

I don't know why your primary focus is on whether his messages are formal or not when there are so many more significant issues.

What was your response when he asked you about your sex life and volunteered his opinion on it?

It is absolutely never worth analysing things like this. Really, never.

Relationships are not supposed to be complicated and strange. As soon as you are in a compatible relationship you will get this.

I disagree with the several people calling him toxic. Absolutely any of us is capable of acting like this. It's what you do in a relationship that where you are simply passing time. You have moments of feeling real affection, moments of feeling distant and lots of moments of not being sure what you feel. Feeling mixed up (on both of your parts) is a very clear sign that you two are not compatible. Things will not get better. There is no level of analysis that will help you understand why he is behaving this way. The 'why' is totally irrelevant. He simply does not make you happy.

Take action yourself, stop analysing him or waiting for him to explain himself. Step away now.

He still has unresolved issues, and it still won't work.

Why are you entertaining him?

everything is on his terms and he’s proven himself to be of shit character. He dumped you on your birthday, that’s rough

Sorry but he’s an ex for a reason and you come across like you have bad self esteem if you’re interested in him after everything you’ve written. Sane people would not entertain him again.

Do better op, he isn’t your only option and you’re in for a world of headaches if you get with him. He treated you carelessly before and he hasn’t changed.

He didn’t give me a chance to answer he nearly word for word said “have you been with anyone since me?? Provably embarrassing to say but I haven’t and I don’t really want to talk about it if you have… in fact I don’t know why I brought it up I don’t want to talk about it”

I just said “oh okay”

I truly believe him when he said he’s not been with anyone else. He’s highly religious & it took us around 5 months to have sex… he’s definitely not one for a causal thing. The only way would for him to be in a full on relationship, which kinda makes me redundant

You're putting far too much effort into trying to understand why he's behaving this way. At the end of that day it doesn't really matter - his behaviour is not healthy for you and you need to put a stop to this.

I know that's hard, but this guy sounds pretty messed up and you are never gonna get the explanation you want - he is just messing you around. You deserve better

Get out of there OP. This man is not good. I dated a very similar guy. He wasn't really into me, I knew he wasn't, but I helped pass him some time until the actual girl he wanted came along. You are basically a filler. Don't waste your life like I did on someone who clearly showed me that they weren't into me. If he wanted to be with you, he wouldn't play games and blow hot and cold. He would say 'I want to see you' 'I want to be with you' 'everything that went before is irrelevant'. But he's not. Block him and move on.

Oh fk I think I hurt my stomach laughing.

He sounds pretty fucked up and dysfunctional.

The dumping you on your birthday having let you travel 4 hrs round trip ...over relatively minor, standard relationship things; was proper shitty. And tbh should have been hnforgiveanke.

Is he really going to have changed that much. Is he going to just give you more of the same down the line.

*should have been unforgivable

Also very religious people can be very hard work.

And are not particularly compatible with not very religious people.

That’s what I really don’t understand though. He is getting no sex from me whatsoever!

But not every man just wants sex.

People like him just want you there to be their emotional support dog whenever it is convenient for them but they don’t want any actual commitment.

It’s also a way of keeping you interested so you don’t meet other men.

My other friend was like this.
She didn’t like sex much especially with this man but she didn’t like this man being with anyone else, so she’d dangle a bit of string which would give him false hope but never actually get with him.

I’m not sure why she did it and I don’t think he was the only one either.
It took him about 2/3 years to say actually no I deserve better than this.
He’s now happily married and she’s stringing some other guy along.

Just how long has it been? You said it was over ‘years ago’! How many years is he expecting you to have stayed celibate because you were unable to get past his fabulous magical penis? Or does he think because he’s religious, you should share his sexual-religious body hang ups because you once went out with him?

I imagine if you said ‘I shagged my way through the local rugby team, thanks’, you wouldn’t be worrying yourself needlessly about this headfuck. Listen to him when he requires you to edit your own past after you’d ceased to be a couple.

He's not the one. He's not even a one. And no friend of mine ever made me travel two hours on my birthday o dump me.

Stop wasting your energy dissecting his substandard behaviour, and trying to work out if he's permanently broken due to his shit upbringing, or if theres a chance he will suddenly behave acceptably and when. He is not a puzzle for you to solve.

You are not his rehab.

5 years.

He’s brought it up twice, but in different ways. The second time he said “don’t you think it was dangerous for you to meet me so far away from your own home when you didn’t know what I was like?”

me: “well, we met in a public place and I told people where I was going. If I felt unsafe I could have left”

him: “yeah but you let me drop you off at home and you didn’t know whether I could be trusted or not I hope you don’t do that again…. “
me: “well It depends who the guy was I probably would just use my intuition”

him: “but yeah, weird that we’re talking about it, I don’t think we should talk about it. I don’t want to think about is dating other people”

Yeah you’re right, I think as well he does want sex but feels too awkward/guilty to bring it up. He has dropped hints like staying very late in the night at mine and making out he’s exhausted to drive… when I offer him the sofa he refuses, but messages later saying “I should have accepted the offer to stay”. He also said something recently about me having a jaw injury and said “you won’t be able to give head for a few weeks”.

I think he enjoys having me as an audience if that makes sense. We went to this talk by a very famous person in our field and he spent the whole time mansplaining it to me whispering (loudly!!) why the guy was wrong. It was awful and people moved away from us because it was so distracting. I think he likes talking to me because it makes him feel clever.

OP, I wish I could put this more kindly but:

It is REALLY BLOODY CLEAR why he is doing this and amazed you're having to ask.

Of course he knows you want to see him, but he wants to have the upper hand by forcing you to do all the asking. He wants to have all the control in the relationship by putting you in the position where you are constantly having to chase him and beg for his time and attention.

'I'm round your way today' with no further explanation or 'I'm in your area tomorrow but I won't have to time to see you' without an offer to meet up is just him deliberately putting you in a position where you have to do the work. He's not going to offer you his attention like a decent person would: he's going to make you ask for it. He knows that you are agonising over this and that it's making you feel confused and insecure. He wants you to feel confused and insecure because that makes him feel in control.

He is a fucking awful man and you need to stop this relationship for good, either as friends or more. He will never make you happy. He wants you to be on edge the entire time. He will always blow hot and cold and keep you guessing and fretting and wondering. He acts like the perfect man who thinks you're his soulmate one minute, and then the next he'll deliberately pull the rug out from under your feet in case you get too confident for him.

Wake up. Have some dignity.

“don’t you think it was dangerous for you to meet me so far away from your own home when you didn’t know what I was like?”

Plus he's texting you to tell you "he's in the area". And getting weird about whether you've slept with anyone else in the intervening 5 YEARS. This sounds like he's escalating some very disturbing stalkerish behaviour OP. You need to nip this in the bud, he sounds effing unhinged.

Block, run, whatever the fuck but this needs to stop now.

If you're the kind of person who just wants to understand why he is the way he is then read up on Insecure Attachment. It arises from the type of childhood he has had. If your primary care giver is unreliable you learn as a child never to get too close to someone or rely on them. If they do find someone they really like the they start to feel panicky and push the other person away.

But I don't think this is fixable.

FFS! Why is your radar not blasting at full pelt?