To think his messages are very strange and formal??

[pritixxx]

I am recently back in contact with an ex from years ago. The relationship itself was really fulfilling as we both worked in niche areas of health, and we just enjoyed a lot of the same hobbies/philosophical interests. It ended on his terms but for flimsy reasons like he didn’t think people in good functioning relationships should ever argue. I only remember arguing about petty things very infrequently for example if one of us was late back from something and left the other person waiting.

He actually dumped me on my birthday after making me travel to his place (over 2 hours from mine and I didn’t drive at the time!).

Not an excuse, but he had a pretty awful upbringing - emigrated here aged 11, father died aged 13, mother was very emotionally and physically abusive (I witnessed a lot of the emotional abuse)

I made my peace with the fact that you can have a lot in common with someone, be attracted to each other, have a good sexual connection, but if the other person has unresolved issues it won’t ever work.

My ex emailed me out of the blue at the start of this year asking how I was. This escalated into a lot of messaging and eventually meeting up. We were meeting up so regularly and it was really friendly and easy-going.

Mutual friends kept asking what was happening with us, and kept saying that my ex had never moved on, spoke about me often & told his best friend (who I am related to) that he can’t imagine being in a relationship with anyone else.

My ex abruptly asked me a few weeks ago whether I had slept with anyone else since we broke up or had dated anyone else, he then added to the question “because I haven’t and I don’t really want to talk about it if you have”. It confused me tbh, we’ve been apart a long time and I have dated a few people casually.

We will feel close for a few weeks and then he backs off - like not replying to messages for days on end. Then comes back like nothings happened.

he’s recently started texting me “I’m round your ways for work today. Thought I’d let you know” … which seems oddly formal when we meet up regularly & it doesn’t specifically ask to make any plans?

it almost feels like he’s not arsed about seeing me or not, but I just don’t understand why he messages at all - not like I’d know if he was by mine or not!

What do You mean?

Yes! He's certainly ... odd. Whatever you do, don't watch the Netflix series Jeffrey Dahmer! Or maybe you should, and it will cure you of your desire to tolerate this man's ... oddities.

He is literally talking about you being in danger by being around him. And I'd bet good money he did so to gauge your reaction to this, whether you had any spark of recognition that he could actually represent a danger to you. And frankly it sounds as if you just brushed it under the carpet.

I really think you need to not be around this very weird and possibly dangerous individual. Normal people do not talk the way he does, do not raise the ideas that he does. Maybe your previous relationship with him has desensitised you, but reading that post I felt my hackles rise / radar ping.

That's what I mean.

i think he meant in the context of he didn’t like the thought of me meeting men I didn’t know far away from home. I took it more as either genuine concern or a slight jealously that I was confident enough to do that the first time we met.

I’ve known this man for years, he is no way a threat to me or other women. Yes, he has his issues but he’s never made me feel on edge or afraid. He doesn’t raise his voice.

Saying a few off hand things which can stem from jealously, concern or any other number of things does not make him a serial killer. How ridiculous.

^ this. He probably likes you and wants to be with you, but for whatever reason, when he expressed his needs/wants in the past (likely when he was very little with his parents) he was shamed or pushed away or let down. So he’s learned that expressing what he wants only leads to hurt, and hes worried about that happening again, so he’s testing you, seeing if you get the hint and if you want him enough to make the meeting happen.

That’s his stuff that he likely needs therapy to work through, but your work is to be curious about why you’re being hooked in. Have you had someone in the past who’s been inconsistent with you? Probably pre-age 7, probably a parent. This is a familiar pattern to you and you’re probably subconsciously hoping it will work out this time, because that will ‘fix’ the hurt from the past.

if you want to know more look up the School of Life’s videos on anxious and avoidant relationships. You’re doing a dance with each other that never results in you being emotionally intimate with each other and probably won’t lead to any joy unless you’re both conscious about what’s going on.

The thing is dealing with him sounds incredibly emotionally and mentally draining. If you want to sign up for that then by all means go ahead but relationships, healthy ones, don't look like this. You might be able to 'heal' him back to balance but I certainly wouldn't have the mental energy required. Imagine this time next year he breaks up with you again because he needs 'some time'.