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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend chose work friends over me aibu?

72 replies

aintplol · 28/09/2022 14:17

My boyfriend works ridiculous hours and rarely see each other.
We live together
He is at a works charity event today 10 min drive away.
I took the day off and got my hair done because it finishes at 5pm.
Thinking we could have a nice night together and have food etc

He texts saying he is going out with his work friends to a city 40 mins away-even tho he knows I want us to have a nice night together
Aibu to be a bit upset here ?
He said will you be mad if I go
I said no if you want to go just go
I'm a bit upset that now he would rather see them and have a night out with that lot (who treat him like shit btw

OP posts:

TokenGinger · 28/09/2022 14:19

I think YAB a bit U here. He's at a work event which generally is followed by drinks out. It sounds like you took a day off expecting him to be home, rather than you had discussed it.

Let him enjoy his evening with work friends. I enjoy time outside of work with my work friends. During work, despite the long hours, we don't "spend" time together as such. I always enjoy it when we come together socially.

Original poster

aintplol · 28/09/2022 14:21

Maybe I am -it's just last year after he met me in town and we had drinks etc

OP posts:

Giveaschitt · 28/09/2022 14:22

I don't think you're unreasonable to be upset - I wouldn't have done the pass ag 'no, its fine, just go if you want to go' though - if you will be upset/mad at him going, tell him? Otherwise, he assumes its fine while you're at home pissed off. Some of it depends though on how much he knew - was he aware that you'd taken the day off and gone to loads of effort? Or was it just casual plans that he assumes are fine to change?

whatstheteamarie · 28/09/2022 14:23

Well you've taken the day off and got your hair done etc, can you see if any of your mates are around and go out with them instead?

200degrees · 28/09/2022 14:24

The honest truth is that the easiest way to process your career is by networking. And part of that is going on work nights out unfortunately

if his colleagues treat him like shit, this could be a chance for him to build good rapport with them and ultimately improve his wellbeing at work, as he won’t feel like it’s a difficult working environment.

did you have solid plans with him that he cancelled? can you arrange to go out with friends or family tonight instead? Or rain check and go for dinner with him tomorrow? I’m sure your hair will still look nice.

Nidan2Sandan · 28/09/2022 14:24

Did he know you had made plans for the two of you?

Work events for me always end with us all going out for a bit of a knees up. It's a nice way to de-stress after the chaos of putting the whole event together which often involves months of work.

But if he knew you had this planned and had agreed to it then yes, you would be well within your rights to be pissed off with him.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 28/09/2022 14:24

Did he know you wanted to go out for food? Why when he phoned you did you not say I had hoped we could go for food

Bigbadfish · 28/09/2022 14:25

YANBU He sees them all the time and rarely sees you! When was the last time he went out solely with you? When he invested time in working on your relationship?
Or is he one of those men that think once he's in a realtuonship the jobs done and you'll just hold on?

I would give him a clear expectation that he needs to prioritise your time as a couple if he wants to stay in a healthy relationship

AryaStarkWolf · 28/09/2022 14:25

YAB a bit U, unless he said he was definitely going to meet up with your, it's shitty when you're out with a group and there's a good vibe but you feel like you need to leave to please someone else

Aprilx · 28/09/2022 14:25

I think you should plan your time with him better. Taking the day off and getting your hair done just because he is due to finish at 5pm seems a bit odd to me. After a works function / conference or whatever it was, going on for drinks afterwards seems quite typical.

Original poster

aintplol · 28/09/2022 14:25

I told him the other day we could meet after
Then last he said I don't know the plans but I think people are going to the pub.
So I think he knew
He got mad at me saying he never agreed and I shouldn't assume
He said the only chance he has to make friends and I'm annoyed
I wasn't annoyed but he licks their arse at any opportunity

OP posts:

RatherBeRiding · 28/09/2022 14:26

If you had plans for the evening together then he's being very selfish to ditch you in favour of his friends at the last minute.

However - DID you have definite plans that he was aware of? Or did you just assume you'd have the opportunity to do something nice in the evening - and he wasn't aware?

Might just be a bit of miscommunication.

Original poster

aintplol · 28/09/2022 14:26

I was always getting my hair done today,I just thought him being off and new hair would be nice to make the most of it.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 28/09/2022 14:27

aintplol · 28/09/2022 14:25

Ok you are definitely BU after reading this. You said your weren't annoyed but clearly you are, you just made a thread about being annoyed for gods sake! He had a work day/evening planned and you tried to get him to finish early, he didn't even agree to it!

Original poster

aintplol · 28/09/2022 14:28

He told me it finished at 5pm
The drinks after were only mentioned to me yesterday

OP posts:

Original poster

aintplol · 28/09/2022 14:29

His normal day off tomorrow (when I see him ) Is cancelled because he's off today

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 28/09/2022 14:30

aintplol · 28/09/2022 14:28

He told me it finished at 5pm
The drinks after were only mentioned to me yesterday

The event finished at 5 yeah and then you say you told him you could meet after, not asked if he wanted to

Imogensmumma · 28/09/2022 14:33

TBH it doesn’t sound like you had concrete plans you just assumed you would do something. Sounds like you both didn’t communicate very well

Did you say I’m taking the day off so we can go out after you are done? Or just drop hints about doing something

200degrees · 28/09/2022 14:34

OP, to clarify did you book the day off so you would be free in the evening to get dinner, as you usually work in the evening?

I think that changes things, if you work eg 9-5 and booked the day off, you haven’t lost out on anything as you were still able to get your hair done regardless during work hours as dinner with him would have been after work

sometimes I book time off work and plans fall though but it’s not a big deal as I can still enjoy my day off eg see other people or get things done which I wouldn’t usually be able to do whilst at work

mrsmccormick · 28/09/2022 14:35

It sounds like he already told you that work drinks were happening?

Notimeforaname · 28/09/2022 14:35

even tho he knows I want us to have a nice night together

Did he want to /agree to it ? If not, I think yabu here.

KitchiHuritAngeni · 28/09/2022 14:36

You made plans in your head, and are annoyed he isn't a mind reader.

Sounds like your actual issue is that you don't like the work people though.

Notimeforaname · 28/09/2022 14:37

Exactly..you TOLD him and he said he didn't know.
He is absolutely correct , you assumed.

JorisBonson · 28/09/2022 14:38

He's said there would probably be drinks after. Why have you got the hump with him? YABU.

Notimeforaname · 28/09/2022 14:39

Also, it's a bit gaslighty to be telling him youre not annoyed when you very clearly are.

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