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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend chose work friends over me aibu?

72 replies

aintplol · 28/09/2022 14:17

My boyfriend works ridiculous hours and rarely see each other.
We live together
He is at a works charity event today 10 min drive away.
I took the day off and got my hair done because it finishes at 5pm.
Thinking we could have a nice night together and have food etc

He texts saying he is going out with his work friends to a city 40 mins away-even tho he knows I want us to have a nice night together
Aibu to be a bit upset here ?
He said will you be mad if I go
I said no if you want to go just go
I'm a bit upset that now he would rather see them and have a night out with that lot (who treat him like shit btw

OP posts:
200degrees · 28/09/2022 14:39

aintplol · 28/09/2022 14:29

His normal day off tomorrow (when I see him ) Is cancelled because he's off today

Why? He’s working today isn’t he? It doesn’t count as a day off if he’s attending a work event

Original poster
aintplol · 28/09/2022 14:39

I'm pissed of because he's work friends who are all the ceo /operations manger and all that lot are there -they treat him like crap
And that's the only reason he wants to go
He is desperate to get in with them and he moans constantly about their treatment yet here he is wanting to spend time with them

OP posts:
Original poster
aintplol · 28/09/2022 14:40

It's for charity,it's a charity works do
He is manger of a store and he has to take today as his day off because he is attending this event

OP posts:
mountainsunsets · 28/09/2022 14:40

You didn't have plans to meet and knew he was working.

YABU. You need to communicate properly.

JorisBonson · 28/09/2022 14:41

How is the way he manages his work relationships your business?

You sound like a petulant child.

Original poster
aintplol · 28/09/2022 14:42

@JorisBonson they become my business when every day he brings his work home and I never hear the end of it

OP posts:
200degrees · 28/09/2022 14:42

OP, I speak from experience that it’s easier to get senior people to like you by going out after work with them and socialising. Think about it, you’ll always be closer to them than someone they just see at work as you’ll have extra shared memories and experiences

JimmyShoo · 28/09/2022 14:42

YABU

AriettyHomily · 28/09/2022 14:44

You didn't have set plans.

Is it a work event or a piss up with work mates? There's a big difference. I've been on the other side and it's hard to refuse when you are starting your career. Not so much if you've being it for 20 years.

IsAinmDummm · 28/09/2022 14:45

He said will you be mad if I go
I said no if you want to go just go

He asked and you said No, you wouldn't be mad and he should go if he wanted to. So he did, and now you're mad! You should have told him the truth and that you were looking forward to spending the evening with him.

KitchiHuritAngeni · 28/09/2022 14:46

aintplol · 28/09/2022 14:42

@JorisBonson they become my business when every day he brings his work home and I never hear the end of it

Just dump him, you clearly don't like him or respect him at all 🙄

10HailMarys · 28/09/2022 14:46

YABU. You clearly hadn't made firm plans and he's not 'licking their arses' by going for a drink after a work event. He's just unwinding and not wanting to be left out, which is absolutely fair enough. It's one evening. If he sometimes has issues at work with these people then it's good for him to be having a couple of social drinks with them; it's good for building working relationships.

You sound incredibly needy and precious. It sounds like you're resentful of any time he spends on anything that isn't you, to be honest.

mrsmccormick · 28/09/2022 14:47

Sorry, I think you're being ridiculous.

It's an annual work event after which you knew there were drinks, which he told you yesterday.

And you want him to come home instead because you've had your hair done?

If you don't like his colleagues or hearing him talk about them that's a different issue.

10HailMarys · 28/09/2022 14:49

aintplol · 28/09/2022 14:39

I'm pissed of because he's work friends who are all the ceo /operations manger and all that lot are there -they treat him like crap
And that's the only reason he wants to go
He is desperate to get in with them and he moans constantly about their treatment yet here he is wanting to spend time with them

The way you're talking about your boyfriend is bloody horrible. You sound like a 13-year-old bitching about a school friend you've fallen out with. You don't even like him, by the sound of it.

SummerInSun · 28/09/2022 14:50

I think you misunderstand the worksheet place dynamic. The senior people aren't his friends and probably never will be (even if he hopes they will). But showing up to events, socialising with colleagues after events, and generally being seen as a keen member of the team are very important, especially if he manages others - he needs to lead by example or more junior people might be intimidated about attending.

You say they treat him badly, but generally senior colleagues will treat you better and get on with you better if they spend time with you outside work. It's an investment in his career.

Stop thinking about it as though he dumped you to b me the dorky kid hanging out with the cool kids.

Notimeforaname · 28/09/2022 15:39

Stop thinking about it as though he dumped you to b me the dorky kid hanging out with the cool kids

This.

These are the moments where you fill your life with other positive things, friends, a hobby, self care etc. Dont sit around fuming because you cant control what your boyfriend does or because you dont communicate properly.

Tell him the issues you have with him and how you think of him. See can it be fixed. If not walk away and find someone more suited to you.

ICanHideButICantRun · 28/09/2022 15:41

I can't see the point in him. Do you have any other friends you can go out with?

Bookworm20 · 28/09/2022 15:48

I actually don't think you are being unreasonable OP.

You made it clear you wanted to do something together when he finished at 5. he was vague about 'drinks might be happening'. But as you'd said about doing something the drinks afterwards should have been irrelevant at this point, especailly if not set in stone.

If he really wanted to go for these drinks with collegues, also surely could of asked you to join, as it was no longer 'work' time.

It sounds like he has prioritised these work collegues over spending time with you. I would be letting him know this is how its come across to you. If he doesn't seem bothered, then unfortunately I don't think he cares thats much.

Can you go out with some friends instead?

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 28/09/2022 15:55

10HailMarys · 28/09/2022 14:49

The way you're talking about your boyfriend is bloody horrible. You sound like a 13-year-old bitching about a school friend you've fallen out with. You don't even like him, by the sound of it.

Show quote history

Yes this…

ladydimitrescu · 28/09/2022 16:03

YABU, he's not really done anything wrong.

SummerWinterSummerWinter · 28/09/2022 16:10

This happens in working life... you are way overreacting.

Plans are not always set in stone and sometimes you don't know how the day will pan out! But would you prefer he miss out on networking and bonding with colleagues because you got your hair done?

To the PP suggesting he should have invited you - no, that would be ridiculous and inappropriate.

YABU. It's not that big a deal.

CountingCrowns · 28/09/2022 16:11

your communication skills are awful. firstly you just assumed he’d be free to see you in the evening and even went and got your hair done for plans that didn’t exist because he’s not a mind reader, and secondly you’re now telling him you’re not annoyed, he can do what he likes (in that irritating martyr way) which isn’t true at all. 🙄

you need to grow up a bit

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 28/09/2022 16:30

I think men and their careers and how they get on (with clients etc) is sometimes different for them as opposed to women.

I was in contact with a man who was out with clients at a few events this summer, polo, Wimbledon etc and he said it was schmoozing the clients/socialising but done for business purposes. Same with client drinks after work. He couldn't get out of them and it did lead to more work for him/the company he works for. I've had to do similar in the past too, be nice/go out to lunch/dinner/events with clients and then for whatever reason they chuck work our way. I even have to do it now, to a degree in my new job or push my bosses to do it.

If you don't his work colleagues then fine but if you made plans to join him afterwards without telling him, then that's on you and you can't really be annoyed with him, I think.

Aprilx · 28/09/2022 16:42

aintplol · 28/09/2022 14:39

I'm pissed of because he's work friends who are all the ceo /operations manger and all that lot are there -they treat him like crap
And that's the only reason he wants to go
He is desperate to get in with them and he moans constantly about their treatment yet here he is wanting to spend time with them

So he is trying to build better relations with people he needs to work with. What is wrong with that, it sounds like he is trying to better his work situation.

There is nothing wrong with you wanting a nice night out of course, but why not agree a clear date with him. Instead you seem to have picked a date unilaterally and when there is a high probability that there will be something work related for him to attend. You really are behaving very badly here.

ilovesooty · 28/09/2022 16:43

mountainsunsets · 28/09/2022 14:40

You didn't have plans to meet and knew he was working.

YABU. You need to communicate properly.

Exactly. Your failure to communicate clearly is something you need to look at. It's not helpful to fail to plan, or to passive aggressively fail to convey how you feel.