Boyfriend chose work friends over me aibu?

[aintplol]

My boyfriend works ridiculous hours and rarely see each other.
We live together
He is at a works charity event today 10 min drive away.
I took the day off and got my hair done because it finishes at 5pm.
Thinking we could have a nice night together and have food etc

He texts saying he is going out with his work friends to a city 40 mins away-even tho he knows I want us to have a nice night together
Aibu to be a bit upset here ?
He said will you be mad if I go
I said no if you want to go just go
I'm a bit upset that now he would rather see them and have a night out with that lot (who treat him like shit btw

I’d be annoyed. My DP works nonstop over summer so I expect him to spend his very little free time with me and our DS. I know it’s exhausting for him but we obviously need some time together also. It’s very different in the winter when he works normal hours, has more time with us, then it’s nice to get him out of the house for a bit seeing mates, doing hobbies etc!

You are getting less likeable now. You made no firm arrangements and you assumed he would be dying to spend his time with you without telling him. You then planned around an event that wasn't agreed. And you are coming across now as coarse and controlling because you can't have you own way. Perhaps step back and let him get on with his life if this is how you think of him?

This isn’t his free time though. This is the day of the annual work conference that he attends. Of all the days in the year, it is maybe one when he is least likely to be available for a date night he didn’t even know about.

After this update I agree with your BF.

The issue is not tonight - I think he is regularly choosing to spend time elsewhere and it is upsetting op.

You 'rarely' see him, that is why you are unhappy, because you are sharing a life with someone that you do not see, feel connected to and playing second best to people he pretty much hates! I can see your point, he would rather spend time with them, despite openly despising them over and above a night with his lovely girlfriend with fantastic hair.

How long have you been together
How long have you lived together?

Is he taking you for granted? Living what looks to be a single life, but coming back to your shared place for sex and comfort etc and not giving anything back?

When was the last time you took you somewhere beautiful?
When was the last time he brought your flowers/wrote a card to you/made you feel special?
When was the last time you felt truly loved by him? And valued?

If the above questions are not for ages or never, then you are firmly now in the complacency camp, next is contempt. A serious review of your relationship is needed.

If this relationship is not what you want - ie you were looking for a committed man that loves spending time with you then don't be afraid to end it. You should have the relationship that is worthy of the time and investment you are putting into it. Don't settle for shoddy men that you have no real respect for.

Is there a bigger picture to this OP in terms of him letting you down in other ways? On this occasion, he'd said there were probably work drinks and it is pretty standard to take the opportunity to get to know senior staff if he is looking to move from, say, store management into Ops. This isn't arselicking or trying to be their best friend, it's building work relationships. Therefore he is not in the wrong and yes, you'd assumed.

I'd recommend taking yourself out with your friends or doing something for you and just making arrangements for yourself in future. Concentrate on building your career as he is doing with his.

Is this a one-off or a regular occurrence?
Do you feel that you have simply become flatmates?
Clearly communicating to him in the first place would have been key here. You should still communicate how it made you feel and if you feel that this has become the norm and it is bothering you.

If he is happy to see you rarely, then it is up to you to decide if you wish to continue like that or not.

Meh, you live together, it's a charity event, probably doesn't go out with his work colleagues all that often. And you told him to go....so

Men don't give a shiny shit about new hair

This is really interesting. I read the OP and something about it didn’t sit well with me. For whatever reason, I couldn’t help but imagine it from a controlling perspective. Nevertheless, I imagined the thread would be full of LTB because as a rule, Mumsnet hates men socialising outside of the family. I’m surprised to find so many siding with the bloke.

I don’t know OP, you sound sour about your dp nurturing relationships you don’t approve of. Your description of him licking their arse is pretty disrespectful. Those connections are clearly important to him. Add to that your sense of ownership over his free time when you live together, it seems…at odds. I know you said you barely see each other but even so.

I can’t quite put my finger on it but yabu.

YABU of course he needs to go out for drinks after the event with his colleagues. You didn’t even have firm plans for this evening. It’s a pretty standard thing after an all day event, conference, workshop etc that people go for drinks after but it won’t be formally planned in advance.

After work and after event socialising is how poeple build relationships at work. You don’t seem to be very supportive of his career.

YABVU

You took the entire day off just because he finishes at 5?

You live together so surely you can just go out for drinks any other evening.

If Thursday is his normal day off why can’t you go out on Thursdays?

Honestly, I think you are just jealous he’s going out without you.

I Understand your perspectives and frustrations, but as with different industries it's network,network,network, when ever possible,
especially if you want to make good impression s with colleagues and various managers of different depts etc, other wise if it's just click in, do set hours and not go to any networking events, then his potential is limited for advancement etc.

that said, all the best and positivity op.

Drinks out after work is how I got
Talking to the senior people in my office that I don't normally have dealings with. And that led to them asking if I was interested in my (niche and better paid) new role.

Don't dismiss networking.

This is ridiculous. So it was mainly about you wanting to be out after having had your hair done.

Ffs OP you sound like you've either never been employed before or ever had a boyfriend before.

I know a man who treats his GF like this. He has told his mates that he is using her.

She pays more than half the bills because she earns more than him. And all of the mortgage ( naturally ) because its her flat

She does most of the housework because he works such long hours poor lamb. Half the time hes at the gym / with his mates but she doesn’t know that.

She comes home from work at lunchtime to walk his dog and stays a bit later at night to make up the time.

At weekends she mostly stays home while he's “ at work”. She doesn’t go out much because she’s saving up to get engaged and married. And of course someone has to be home for the dog.

She believes that he is working such long hours in his own business, shes proud that he is so ambitious and thinks that one day he will be rich and successful. She “believes in him” .

He has no intention of marrying her. From his point of view its free accommodation, cheap bills, free housekeeper, free dog walking and sex on demand without him having to spend much time and effort on a relationship.

If dh said people were going out to the pub after annual conference, I'd assume this meant him too!
And oh my days with the When was the last time you took you somewhere beautiful?
When was the last time he brought your flowers/wrote a card to you/made you feel special?
When was the last time you felt truly loved by him? And valued?
Wonder when the last time op did any of these for the dp? Seems as if her getting her hair done is meant to be a treat for him!

He said will you be mad if I go
I said no if you want to go just go

Nice one. That’ll learn him.

You made it clear you wanted to do something together when he finished at 5. he was vague about 'drinks might be happening'. But as you'd said about doing something the drinks afterwards should have been irrelevant at this point, especailly if not set in stone

what, really?!