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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was your wedding okay if your inlaws didn't like you?

40 replies

owlettenotnow · 28/09/2022 10:34

I have been engaged for 5 years and the only thing that's putting me off is inviting my inlaws. The whole family hate me and I would just feel so self conscious walking down the aisle knowing that they will most likely be sniggering or worse, objecting!

We would be having a very small wedding (20 tops) anyway. I cant imagine having my wedding day where half of the guests actively dispise me.

I was thinking of having a nice meal our after and it would be so awkward.
We were no contact for nearly a decade. I wish we had done it then!

OP posts:
Original poster
owlettenotnow · 28/09/2022 10:39

Posted too soon.

So has anyone on here been in this situation and its been fine? or was it something that ruined your day? I don't think dh would say anything either he has a strained relationship anyway and was the scapegoat child so that adds more layers.

I can imagine it being okay if we had more guests but it's going to be registery office with a dinner out after. really intimate. can't escape them.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 28/09/2022 10:47

It was OK but the marriage ended in divorce less than two years later.

It can cause huge tensions if you don't get on with your ILs ... you see it time after time on here. I got married for the second time, great relationship with my MIL (now deceased sadly) ... but our marriage has lasted over 35 years.

Surely you can have a very small wedding and just not invite them ... is your DP onboard with that?

Kerrylass · 28/09/2022 10:49

Would you go abroad and get married, just the 2 of you.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 28/09/2022 10:51

We didn't have mil at ours! Problem solved.

Hobbesmanc · 28/09/2022 10:53

My MIL didn't come to ours! But FIL did on his own. Families. We get on ok now 15 years on but it's not a warm relationship

maddy68 · 28/09/2022 10:58

Yes. It was fine. It was actually quite healing. We got on so much better afterwards

namechange30455 · 28/09/2022 11:01

Does your DP really want a load of people who despise his wife at his wedding?

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 28/09/2022 11:04

We did it abroad with no one invited. Despite this, his family still stirred shit as they told anyone who would listen that my family were at the wedding. It was actually 3 random people who we had to witness the ceremony. The marriage didn't last more than a few years.

I don't get on with my DP's mum either. When we do eventually get married she either won't be arsed to turn up or she'll just grin and bear it. She's not as awful as my ex's family were.

Unicorn717 · 28/09/2022 11:16

I get they're his family but if they hate you do they really need to be there? Surely he would know this and it would feel a bit awkward.

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 28/09/2022 11:18

Why do they hate you? How do you know they hate you (are they agressive or is it just the feeling you get)? How does your DH feel about them and about them being there?

Original poster
owlettenotnow · 28/09/2022 11:21

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 28/09/2022 10:51

We didn't have mil at ours! Problem solved.

sounds like a dream
we had the chat when we were still nc with them and he didn't want to cause offence conveniently forgetting the reason we were no contact

OP posts:
Original poster
owlettenotnow · 28/09/2022 11:22

maddy68 · 28/09/2022 10:58

Yes. It was fine. It was actually quite healing. We got on so much better afterwards

that's surprising. what changed do you think?

OP posts:
ICanHideButICantRun · 28/09/2022 11:26

What's his relationship like with his family? If you weren't around, would he see them more?

Original poster
owlettenotnow · 28/09/2022 11:39

Hobbesmanc · 28/09/2022 10:53

My MIL didn't come to ours! But FIL did on his own. Families. We get on ok now 15 years on but it's not a warm relationship

was she invited and didn't show?

I don't understand why you would be against your child's partner. Even if you don't like them you shut up and get on with it otherwise you destroy your own relationship with them

OP posts:
Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 28/09/2022 11:42

Mil liked me until I got pregnant.. Then stayed away. Fil came to the wedding then also backed off. That crushed dh. But 8 years - ish on he is fine without them.

SleeplessInEngland · 28/09/2022 11:42

As the DH I'd find it really weird to want family attened my wedding if they didn't like my fiance.

Think more info is needed. Why do you think they don't like you? What's he like with them?

ImAvingOops · 28/09/2022 11:42

I don't think anyone should be at your wedding who actively despises you if your fiancé is pushing for this
I would reconsider getting married at all tbh.
I think you should get married without them there.

jamtomorrow1 · 28/09/2022 11:43

That's so sad. I hope you don't find the situation too upsetting. I agree with everyone who has said that you should elope overseas!

SwordToFlamethrower · 28/09/2022 11:44

We eloped to solve that problem.

My mil was politely told that because we only had 30 guests including us and my 2 children, the invite was for her and not her on and off boyfriend.

She went berserk and screamed how dare we not invite her boyfriend.

Fil girlfriend was uppity bc the invite didn't extend to all her children. It really pissed us off to the point we ended up eloping and we are very glad.

The point of the wedding was to get married. We didn't tolerate tantrums from adults in their 60s and 70s for one minute.

We ended up using the money we saved from the wedding to have IVF. I'm now 36 weeks pregnant.

Best decision!

Gensola · 28/09/2022 11:46

My MIL didn’t come to our wedding, FIL would have but he died the year before. She has also never asked how it went and tries to avoid introducing me as her son’s wife so recently she said this is my son, this is my nephew etc and this is Gen, so the person she was introducing us all to had to ask me how I fitted into the family.

mistermagpie · 28/09/2022 11:49

Ragwort · 28/09/2022 10:47

It was OK but the marriage ended in divorce less than two years later.

It can cause huge tensions if you don't get on with your ILs ... you see it time after time on here. I got married for the second time, great relationship with my MIL (now deceased sadly) ... but our marriage has lasted over 35 years.

Surely you can have a very small wedding and just not invite them ... is your DP onboard with that?

Similar here, the other way round but my family hated my soon-to-be DH. Also a small wedding. To be fair, everyone behaved impeccably on the day and it was fine. I was surprised.

The marriage only lasted 18 months though and I haven't spoken to my parents in nearly a decade. The marriage didn't really end because of the problems with my parents and my DH, but it didn't help and all of it definitely contributed to me going NC with my parents.

I am now remarried and none of my family were invited to the wedding!

My experience was that people can behave themselves for the one day, although you might need to get DH to give them a talking to in advance, but the problems will still exist after that day and can create real cracks in all the relationships that are involved.

maddy68 · 28/09/2022 11:53

owlettenotnow · 28/09/2022 11:22

that's surprising. what changed do you think?

Show quote history

I think it was the olive branch of inviting them and involving them. All my family and friends were lovely to them

MessyBunPersonified · 28/09/2022 12:03

My in laws HATED me.

They thought I was a snob 🤣 because I asked for them to not sit in a tiny room with all windows and doors shut and smoke (lighting up the next cigarette from the previous one) while I was pregnant/when baby arrived, and because I said if they were going to be drunk and smoke constantly I wouldn't be taking the baby to see them.

Invited them to the wedding and they were pissed, wearing stained clothes that were shabby and old, told me I was a gold digger (there was no gold to dig at all, in fact I was paying all the bills) then a pissed FIL made a speech about how he thought I was a hooker due to the age difference and that the baby probably wasn't my husbands. MIL later at the after party came up to me complaining about kids dancing, and having fun, told me I looked like shit because I was so massive (6 months pregnant) and that they had invited my new husbands (also alcoholic) ex to live with them. Other highlights included FIL coming out the toilet with his willy swinging everywhere, and MIL crying every time I went near her son.

Thankfully I never spoke to them again, MIL died a couple of years later, FIL a couple of years after that and my ex turned out to be a massive wanker and not worth the hassle anyways.

If I could do it again Iwouldn't marry wanker ex would have eloped.

delilahhey · 28/09/2022 12:06

MIL wore black and argued with DH on the day. But they’re now NC. Didn’t invite her to our big wedding party (first was limited in Covid)

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/09/2022 12:08

It was wonderful, we were NC by then, and didn’t invite them. I wouldn’t have anyone at my wedding, or in my life/home who was horrible to me.

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