Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is it my DH?

72 replies

Namechangefail123 · 28/09/2022 08:57

I WFH FT at an American company. Which means that I have flexibility around my working hours including working around children (the only golden rule is that for client facing meetings, camera has to be on and no kids).

So all of my client calls tend to be when our toddler is in nursery. I brought up my eldest with a similar set up and it was fairly smooth sailing.

My DH is of the idea that I should always drop off anything from work if our toddler has a tantrum, needs the potty (he's not ready yet anyway), etc... I always tell him that I do my best but sometimes it is impossible. In all honesty I think has only happened once because the toddler got annoyed with his toy trucks.

My DH usually sulks about, but I always tell him that it's not fair on me, and that in any case if he feels SO strongly about it, our DS should go to FT nursery but he should also consider becoming a SAHP as the nursery fees would be higher than his take home salary (once you take commuting into account). He's a bit wishy washy about that point. My salary is currently 3x his, with a promotion coming next year that will take me to 6 figures/ 4x + his salary.

He's reached the top of his salary expectations. We've talked about him changing jobs and such, as he doesn't think he has many transferable skills. He hates retail though which would be the easiest thing to move to

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 28/09/2022 08:58

YANBU.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 28/09/2022 09:02

I don't understand who is currently looking after the toddler when you're at home working and who is currently making sure that they are entertained while you have a client meeting? If your husband knows that your toddler is having a tantrum surely he is at home looking after them, why can't he deal with it himself

AlisonDonut · 28/09/2022 09:02

My DH is of the idea that I should always drop off anything from work if our toddler has a tantrum, needs the potty

What do you mean by this.

Surely the person looking after the child would do this?

5foot5 · 28/09/2022 09:02

On that sort of salary can you really not afford full-time nursery? Personally I don't think I could have done any proper WFH when my DC were that young.

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 28/09/2022 09:03

So you WFH and look after a kid??

How?

Original poster
Namechangefail123 · 28/09/2022 09:04

I'm with him. I can do admin type stuff while he's happily with his toys. I've done it before, and it wasn't an issue back then. My husband works in a workshop

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 28/09/2022 09:05

Are you in charge of the toddler when this happens or is he. Because it makes a huge difference.

If you are trying to work - then you need to sort out childcare. Telling your DH he should become a SAHP rather than full time nursery fees in this case is YABU. No one should be forced to become a SAHP and in this instance your DH keeping his job is the right one. Particularly with how you are forcing this point.

I have to say I am certain this is case in which case for you and your toddler get him into full time nursery.

piegone · 28/09/2022 09:05

Yes of course you should attend to your toddler if they need you.

Original poster
Namechangefail123 · 28/09/2022 09:09

I know it's "unfair" to force him BUT most extra expenses are in a way related to my DH. We need a bigger house, he has accrued debts, need to pay for my DSC stuff, etc...the roles in our relationship are very much reversed.

OP posts:
piegone · 28/09/2022 09:11

I know it's "unfair" to force him

Unfair to force who to do what?

Original poster
Namechangefail123 · 28/09/2022 09:12

I also have two time zones working hours....I tend to have meetings at any given point between 6-9pm. Because of the time difference I work from bed fairly often too. Which translates to being able to be with the toddler for the afternoon. The only thing is that sometimes I have client meetings in those afternoon hours within fairly short notice.

OP posts:
Pava22 · 28/09/2022 09:12

Yanbu me and my dh have our own business. I deal with all admin. We have 4 kids. Youngest does 2.5 days at nursery. I have always worked at home whilst looking after the kids. If I need to make a phone call I pre plan and have them busy whilst I take the call etc. Not everyone has extra clchild care or can afford it either. Occasionally my kids have to wait unless it is because they are hurt or ill. A tantrum doesn't mean you drop everything. You access the situation and deal with it appropriately but it's a very delicate balance and can't be achieved by all obviously. My role means I can do so. I don't deal with clients that often

workinmums · 28/09/2022 09:13

Namechangefail123 · 28/09/2022 09:09

I know it's "unfair" to force him BUT most extra expenses are in a way related to my DH. We need a bigger house, he has accrued debts, need to pay for my DSC stuff, etc...the roles in our relationship are very much reversed.

Your husband seems like dead weight to me. I can't understand why women put their-selves through this? For love?

mountainsunsets · 28/09/2022 09:15

Surely your toddler needs to be in childcare while you're working?

BonesOfWhatYouBelieve · 28/09/2022 09:16

My DH is of the idea that I should always drop off anything from work if our toddler has a tantrum, needs the potty (he's not ready yet anyway), etc...

I'm a bit confused, you're working while looking after your toddler? How many hours a week is this? Obviously if a toddler needs to use the potty you have to attend to them.
My solution would be for him to be in nursery while I worked though.

Ponoka7 · 28/09/2022 09:17

He doesn't get to sulk because you aren't doing what he thinks you should be. Quite honestly is there any neglect towards the toddler? Unless so, he butts out. It isn't always appropriate to instantly respond to a tantrum anyway. It sounds as though your DH should be counting his blessings, but instead finds cause to criticise. Don't take the sulking etc.

Original poster
Namechangefail123 · 28/09/2022 09:17

@Pava22 that's exactly how I've always approached it. I've been working from home for the past 11 years. Have been promoted in all roles, etc... My DD is top of her class too, so it can be done!

OP posts:
ThatGirlInACountrySong · 28/09/2022 09:17

Put your kid in daycare!

Working from your bed, juggling a toddler

Does your work not need to be professional? Sounds sloppy and unorganised

luxxlisbon · 28/09/2022 09:18

The only thing is that sometimes I have client meetings in those afternoon hours within fairly short notice.

So what happens to your toddler then if you have meetings which they can’t be present in? You just lock him in another room?

Your set up is insane and it’s stupid to be working while looking after a toddler. Your child is young and needs focus and attention.
You can’t always run right to a toddler when they are having a tantrum but purposely ignoring him because you are working is not right.

Either your child goes to nursery while you work or you or your DH look after him.

BonesOfWhatYouBelieve · 28/09/2022 09:19

The only thing is that sometimes I have client meetings in those afternoon hours within fairly short notice.

So what happens to your toddler during these calls, if the "golden rule" is no kids during calls?

Lolacat1234 · 28/09/2022 09:19

So what do you do if he has a tantrum/needs the potty when you're WFH and looking after him? Just ignore him? I'm struggling to work out what actually happens! Surely you have to attend to him if he needs you?

Ponoka7 · 28/09/2022 09:20

Would paying for the extra childcare mean that you would need to pay less off his debt etc? Or do you think that your toddler benefits from more home time and less nursery?

Thegreenballoon · 28/09/2022 09:22

Namechangefail123 · 28/09/2022 09:09

I know it's "unfair" to force him BUT most extra expenses are in a way related to my DH. We need a bigger house, he has accrued debts, need to pay for my DSC stuff, etc...the roles in our relationship are very much reversed.

And if you manage to persuade him to give up work (which for multiple reasons sounds like a terrible idea) you don’t think you’ll resent him even more? You also realise that if you then split up and he is the primary carer and “gave up his job to enable your career” you could easily end up as the non resident parent, paying him maintenance and seeing your child every other weekend and Wednesday tea time…

scrufffy · 28/09/2022 09:22

You need to put your child into childcare.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2022 09:22

Put your toddler in nursery. How is this even a question? I really don't understand what the fuss is about. You need to work, your toddler needs attention, the toddler needs to be in nursery.