Or is it my DH?

[Namechangefail123]

I WFH FT at an American company. Which means that I have flexibility around my working hours including working around children (the only golden rule is that for client facing meetings, camera has to be on and no kids).

So all of my client calls tend to be when our toddler is in nursery. I brought up my eldest with a similar set up and it was fairly smooth sailing.

My DH is of the idea that I should always drop off anything from work if our toddler has a tantrum, needs the potty (he's not ready yet anyway), etc... I always tell him that I do my best but sometimes it is impossible. In all honesty I think has only happened once because the toddler got annoyed with his toy trucks.

My DH usually sulks about, but I always tell him that it's not fair on me, and that in any case if he feels SO strongly about it, our DS should go to FT nursery but he should also consider becoming a SAHP as the nursery fees would be higher than his take home salary (once you take commuting into account). He's a bit wishy washy about that point. My salary is currently 3x his, with a promotion coming next year that will take me to 6 figures/ 4x + his salary.

He's reached the top of his salary expectations. We've talked about him changing jobs and such, as he doesn't think he has many transferable skills. He hates retail though which would be the easiest thing to move to

And that nursery should be a joint expense that is divided between you - not just off his salary.

I feel sorry for your child in all this

Left to his own devices

Why don’t you have a nanny or an au pair if you’re both working and can afford it? Toddler could be in a nursery as well

Your husband sounds like a loser though

I do too. This is a toddler, so what? 18 months? 2? And they're being just left to their own devices.

My company wouldn't allow that - you wouldn't be allowed to care for a pre-schooler and be working at the same time

If I took a call from a professional and there was a kid in the background then I'd take my business elsewhere

How can you have full attention with a toddler roaming?

The tantrum and meeting thing has happened once, because of the TV. On a normal day he has no tantrums. He's shown no signs of being ready to go potty (we've tried). If it's more than 30mins, the babysitter normally comes.

The gist is that my DH phrases it like "it's your problem" with zero solutions

Why have you not organised childcare? You can't leave a toddler on their own without supervision

The solution is nursery/childcare. How is this not obvious?

YABVU. It’s not fair on your children for you to be working and only half arse looking after them.

It’s irrelevant that your DD is top of the class. Her emotional and social needs were not met, and neither is your sons.

If your salary is at the point where it is 3/4 of the way to 6 figures and dh brings in another quarter, why on earth don't you just use full time childcare?

In my opinion this is neglectful.

Hang on, so you bring home the bacon, look after the children, pay for your step children and for your husband's debts? So what is he doing?

The gist is that my DH phrases it like "it's your problem" with zero solutions

If you’re looking after your toddler, your toddler is 100% your “problem”. The solution is he goes to nursery or a childminder or you have a nanny - that’s what everyone else is doing when they have to work. I can’t imagine your company knows or allows you to be caring for your toddler whilst taking client calls, it very unprofessional and really unfair on your child. It assumes your child doesn’t have tantrums or emotional needs which is crazy. You may have had an easy first child, but this arrangement wouldn’t suit most toddlers at all.

Your posts are very confusing

You look after toddler but are in bed but toddler goes to nursery but you have client meetings sometimes only 6-9pm (when DH is around?) but toddler tantrums and DH says you should attend to toddler but DH is home (?) but in a workshop (?)

At a loss to understand what the issue specifically is?

You're earning very well. Just get a nursery or a nanny. Why is this even a discussion?

Is the issue that your DH expects you to manage the toddler when they are home, despite it being in your working hours, which are client facing? And your DH is a low earner, not client facing, at home in a workshop?

I'd tell him to do one. And pay for more help with your toddler

The nursery fees being more than your DH’s salary is a bit of a red herring. Many women continue work and the family outgoing on childcare will be the same as their salary - because keeping a career going may be just as important. Nursery fees only last a few years.

Put your toddler in more childcare, it sounds like you can afford the expenditure for a year or two until funding kicks in, and let your DH continue his career too.

Your set up doesn't work. You are essentially working full time, and then doing all the childcare. And then your DH expects you to do the childcare as well when he is around? Is that correct, your posts are a bit confusing. I would put your toddler in FT childcare so you can focus properly on your work. Especialyl if you are the main earner.

I agree. Poor kids!

Where is he in the evenings when these meetings happen? If it’s when he’s back, he should be looking after the toddler. If not, surely it’s within nursery opening hours and you could have your toddler in childcare.

Does he want to be a sahd? He sounds like someone who wouldn’t fully step up to the role, and would leave you still doing the childcare.

Also, I don’t think he should be a sahd when he has older children to pay maintenance for - he shouldn’t be declaring a nil income in those circumstances- it’s his job to work to pay for them.

30 minutes with no supervision is crazy for a toddler! It’s so irresponsible, it would take 2 seconds for an accident to happen.

What solution do you want your husband to come up with? It’s not rocket science, you just need childcare while you work! The easy solution is to up his nursery days. If you want to make it complicated and find another option that’s on you.

There is a difference between working with your child at home when it is entirely your own work and you don’t need to commit to any fixed hours or client meetings. This is not your role, your role involves client facing meetings so you need childcare.

Oh wow. You need proper childcare, kind of unbelievable you need to be told that.

Let me guess your DH doesnt actually contribute financially as much as you and makes debt and probably doesnt do much around the house either

All of that is something you need to address.

Your toddler should still be in childcare whilst you are both working

You should send your toddler to nursery or it her childcare whilst you work. Your DH should continue to work, as soon your child will be in school and then this will be less of an issue. After school clubs are much cheaper than nursery so your DH's wage will no longer be cancelled out.

I'd be horrified if my DH tried to force me into being a stay at home parent because my wage was cancelled out for a few years. Taking time out of the workforce damages your pension prospects, your ability to work again at the same level etc.

What do you mean by ' the babysitter comes of more than 30 mins'

You now have a babysitter hovering nearby ready to come in?