At work, I'm mute unless spoken to

[mutemute]

I've always been really shy, but it's almost like I'm mute until I have permission to speak, and then I can be quite chatty and really enjoy talking to others. For example, in a meeting I can never just pipe up and say something, I'll sit there in silence with a smile even when there's something I want, or even need, to say.

As soon as someone directly addresses me, the wall comes down and I can happily chat away. It's so bizarre, I can't explain it or seem to do anything in the moment to help myself find my voice.

It's similar with things like going for lunch with colleagues. The whole team (around 5-10 of us) tend to go for lunch together when we're in the office. It's pretty much presumed everyone will go to lunch together (i.e. there's no - 'do you want to join us for lunch?' but it's more 'c'mon let's go to lunch'). If nobody directly asks me to join I won't, I'll stay sitting in the office and then once they've all gone I'll go off on my own and have lunch somewhere else by myself.

It's making me quite tearful to write this as it sounds so sad, but also kind of pathetic and helpless. I don't know why I'm like this :(

well you recognize the issue so that’s the first step.

I think most of us are like this to some degree though -

You have developed behaviours that at one time helped you. As you recognise are not so helpful anymore, but you are not pathetic. Please try to let that thought float off into the ether.

If you want to make changes- well it is absolutely possible for you to develop new skills and ways to interact with people.

I don’t know who might be able to help you but hopefully someone who does will be along soon.

Have you got any close friends at work who you could confide this too who will then always be the ones to invite you along to stuff?

it seems such an easy fix to me - you don’t even need to say you’ll go for lunch but just stand up and put your coat on and follow them out the door surely?

I am exactly like this! I only speak when spoken to. It definitely stems from childhood.

Are you happy with the way things are or would you prefer to be more of an instigator?

How old are you op and how long have you worked there. I certainly was like this when I first started working at 16 I would just sit and listen to others talk and it took me a while to begin speaking to others. I didn’t meet my DH’s family for a while as I knew they would think me quiet. I have gotten better over the years, but no way am I confident in a group of people, especially when there are others who are more confident, I just let them talk.

If you are pathetic, I am too! I wonder if it’s a fear of rejection regarding the lunch. I would be worried if I suggest it that would be the day no-one wants to go and I’ll feel stupid.

I'm the same. I have no idea why but I'm guessing for me it's low self esteem. I also don't want to say anything in meetings in case I say the wrong thing and everyone thinks I'm stupid.

I'm totally the same with lunch too. I would be devastated if I asked to go with and they said no. It's like being back in school. 😑No advice I'm afraid, but at least there are others like you.

Don’t feel alone op, I’m the same due to strict parents. Think one armed forces, boot campy childhood! I feel sad as I know people at work think I’m aloof but I’m always excited to chat when people talk to me but I definitely find it hard in the way you describe.

maybe you need to get some assertiveness training ..you can access lots of free assertiveness articles or training online. Try to be more confident around your colleagues ask how their day is going what they did on the weekend et cetera and it should get easier..

Also maybe suggest a team building day with your colleagues

I would try CBT. I think plenty of people ar ethis way but if you get the right help you may be able to change it.

This is just cruel. No one, no one, deserves this punishment.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=qZwT-pk8Vb8

Agree with the assertiveness approach. I watched this video today. You might find it helpful.

Talk to your manager and ask for help.

If there are things you need to say when don't get spoken, that is a breakdown in communication right there.

Easily fixable, just ask. Good luck.

This is me.

When I was at uni, I wouldn't even go out of the whole flat was going out unless someone specifically asked me. If I hadn't been asked, it felt awkward sitting around everyone when they were getting ready so I would just go to my room.

I wish I could instigate conversation and make small talk, but I think it's a skill I'll never learn.

I hate group meet ups, lunch, pub, Xmas party - I finish talking to someone and they live away and I have those few moments when I feel like FFFFUUUUCCCKKKKKK then I find someone else to talk to - awful cringy

Maybe you need to develop some go to opening lines:

'About that issue X....'
'So....if we need to X...'
'Would anyone like to ....'
'Would you mind if I join you for....'
'Assuming... then does that mean...'

Asking open questions (what, how, why) are quite a good way to start talking about work topics..
Etc.

Or observe how others interact in meetings and at work, and make a conscious effort to learn those behaviours.

Does anyone else like this struggle with ending conversations?

Even when I am chatting to a colleague whether in person or via Teams I am thinking how do I end this?! Not because I want to but because I don’t know how so I’m worried I miss a cue. I spend the whole conversation trying to think how to stop it so probably shut down conversations too early! My colleagues have a real treat on their hands with me!

My ideas:

If you have a kind colleague, confide exactly this and ask them to help, or

Learn one sentence and practice it each day. Even if it’s “Anyone fancy a coffee?”! Choose something easy at first but make yourself say it every day.

I also agree with the idea of listening to what others say and storing phrases away to practice and use later :)

Have a read about selective mutism it sounds like you may have traits of low profile SM. My daughter has recently been diagnosed and its made me realise I probably have it as well.

Definitely talk to your manager, they can help at work. I used to manage people who never said anything in meetings and so I asked if they wanted to say more, and if so how I could help.

Did they want me to specifically ask for their opinion, or was it they needed more info in advance, or would they just prefer to talk one on one, or present an agenda item. Let them know how they can help you. It's a small way to make a start but it might help.

And don't be so hard on yourself, you're not pathetic, we're all different.

As someone who has suffered from Selective Mutism myself, I second @Stopdropnroll 's post. It may not be the case for you in the end, but just to say you're not alone in feeling like you do.

I was like this when I was much younger. As silly & simple as it sounds, you literally just need to say something. It does not matter what anyone thinks. It does not even particularly matter what you say. You do not need to apologise for being you or for having a voice. Just take a deep breath, plan something small to say and blurt it out. The time after that, you will feel much more confident. Then again and again. I really think the best way to overcome this is to take the bull by the horns and almost force yourself to. You do not need permission to. Your voice is as valid and worthy as anyone else's in the room. I promise you that you can do it - just start small. Do let us know how you go.

I'm kind of going through this with my teen daughter , who seems to internalise a lot of things instead of talking them out. She thinks of conversations as Q&A rather than just start talking and let the conversation flow. I think this is partly to do with the exams style of answering questions, I also think the 2 years of Covid isolations must have had some effect on a teens' social skills.

Recently she had an issue with one of her predicted A level grades from school, and didn't know 'what to ask the teacher', or 'what do I need to ask the teacher to do'. It was so difficult for her that she was just going to not speak to the school about it at all, so I had to coach her to just start speaking to her form tutor about her concerns and maybe he will give her his view on it, what the cause of the issue was, if it was any cause for concern, or what might be done about it.

Myself and DH are both quite assertive and vocal at work, but it was not always this way. I remember how quiet I was as a teen, and also when I first started work. It's something I've had to work at, and a good tip and just try not to care so much about what other people think - don't think that you have to sound 100% articulate and smooth to say something.

I'd absolutely hate to work with people who expected me to have lunch with them!

Your lunch break should be your time to decompress, get away from your forced interaction with people you work with.

It's no wonder you're "quiet" I'd be finding excuses to get away, not chastising myself for not being talkative enough.