At work, I'm mute unless spoken to

[mutemute]

I've always been really shy, but it's almost like I'm mute until I have permission to speak, and then I can be quite chatty and really enjoy talking to others. For example, in a meeting I can never just pipe up and say something, I'll sit there in silence with a smile even when there's something I want, or even need, to say.

As soon as someone directly addresses me, the wall comes down and I can happily chat away. It's so bizarre, I can't explain it or seem to do anything in the moment to help myself find my voice.

It's similar with things like going for lunch with colleagues. The whole team (around 5-10 of us) tend to go for lunch together when we're in the office. It's pretty much presumed everyone will go to lunch together (i.e. there's no - 'do you want to join us for lunch?' but it's more 'c'mon let's go to lunch'). If nobody directly asks me to join I won't, I'll stay sitting in the office and then once they've all gone I'll go off on my own and have lunch somewhere else by myself.

It's making me quite tearful to write this as it sounds so sad, but also kind of pathetic and helpless. I don't know why I'm like this :(

You have literally described what I was like
at work too with colleagues. Self esteem is a large part and worrying what others think of you too. Have you ever considered you could be neurodivergent. Now I am older and am
no longer in these work situations I can reflect on them and other situations and believe I am probably autistic.

You are aware of your issues
That's step one

So if you wanna change: change

Small steps. Every day.

I think it could be selective mutism. As I understand it, exposure therapy is the best thing to help with this, as it is an anxiety disorder.

I would suggest looking up selective mutism and having a read.

Hope this helps

I am like this. I am very shy and self conscious which is why. Makes me sad too.

This is going to sound very unkind but I don’t intend it to be. It sounds very self absorbed. Nobody else gets to be shy around you because you’ve claimed it - the assumption is that everyone is fine to do the heavy lifting. Have you ever considered that other people may be feeling awkward or out of place or do you just assume everyone else is ok. You want to be invited to the party but you don’t want the responsibility of throwing the party yourself. If you are happy in your own company and don’t want to be included in group invitations then all well and good. If you actually want to be part of the group then start off by booking your seat with them. Nothing says leave me alone than deliberately parking yourself away from people who have been friendly to you.

So OP is trying to ask for advise for her particular issue, you are basically saying ‘don’t so selfish’ other people might have their problems to overcome too.

They think you are comfortable in your own skin. They don't know that you're cripplingly shy. Could you approach one or 2 of the nicer people and be honest with them, you didn't mean to be aloof, you do like company of others, you'd like to come along at lunch, please could they invite you ?

ime, they will fall over selves trying to give you opportunities to be included

My office is too flipping social, ok, just chatty. Always complaints about same things. Tedious.

I’m not saying that no or maybe I am I don’t know it’s tricky to explain. Whatever is driving her behaviour is very inward looking. It’s not that she doesn’t speak but she only speaks if spoken to, she sits separately and waits for someone to say “come and sit over here”. She will go to lunch with the group but only if they ask her to. She is placing the responsibility for her involvement on other people and the assumption is that other people are ok to do that. Perhaps other people are going through their own shit.
I didn’t want it to come off as snippy and I know if you say it a certain way in your head it could be read like that but that was honestly my view.

I agree that some of the onus has to be on the OP to do or say something to meet her colleagues half way.

Yup, i’m the same. I find the ‘raising hand’ function in Teams can be quite useful though. It stops that awkward moment when two people try to talk at the same time and then there’s a pause before it inevitably happens again. Hate that.

Asking people how they are and asking questions is also a good tip

I’m exactly like this in meetings, despite being in my mid 40s and pretty senior. The longer I don’t say anything, the harder it is to start.

My “solution” is to make sure I say something early on to break whatever it is my brain is doing to me. Even something small, or at the same time as others (eg to join in agreement). It doesn’t always happen early on, of course, which case I’m a bit on edge waiting for my moment.

The more you practice, OP, the easier it gets. I’m still not someone who will ever dominate a meeting, but I don’t think people notice.

However, I could never join a book group or anything like that as I wouldn’t enjoy it & people wouldn’t see the “best” me. I’d never feel at ease.

Interesting. I am like this. I used to be a tv reporter before kids so I can definitely talk, but I can't do talks/teaching in front of other people or find it awkward to join in chats with other mums at school pick-up.

I just don't know what to say and I guess I have a fear of saying the wrong things. I hate having lunch with colleagues or going into a meeting, or going to parties I just get very nervous. Once I'm there I'm pretty ok but guess I have social anxiety.