At work, I'm mute unless spoken to

[mutemute]

I've always been really shy, but it's almost like I'm mute until I have permission to speak, and then I can be quite chatty and really enjoy talking to others. For example, in a meeting I can never just pipe up and say something, I'll sit there in silence with a smile even when there's something I want, or even need, to say.

As soon as someone directly addresses me, the wall comes down and I can happily chat away. It's so bizarre, I can't explain it or seem to do anything in the moment to help myself find my voice.

It's similar with things like going for lunch with colleagues. The whole team (around 5-10 of us) tend to go for lunch together when we're in the office. It's pretty much presumed everyone will go to lunch together (i.e. there's no - 'do you want to join us for lunch?' but it's more 'c'mon let's go to lunch'). If nobody directly asks me to join I won't, I'll stay sitting in the office and then once they've all gone I'll go off on my own and have lunch somewhere else by myself.

It's making me quite tearful to write this as it sounds so sad, but also kind of pathetic and helpless. I don't know why I'm like this :(

“…It’s been great talking to you, thanks so much for your time! See you soon!”

”…Well, I am now going to go and get on with this to do list! See you soon!”

”…right, best get on - good to see you! Take care!”

”…Oof is it 10am already… I need to get going but thanks for your time! Bye!”

All of the above elicit breezy, natural ends.

@Stopdropnroll @APJ1 I do genuinely think I could have selective mutism, I can't explain it but it's like I physically cannot talk when I'm in certain situations. All I needed to ask in today's meeting was to ask a colleague 'Have you reviewed X yet?' and I couldn't do it. Then the next item on the agenda, someone directly asked me a question and I could answer it easily.

Thank you @Firstworldprobs they’re all fab!

I just have such low self-esteem and feel so unliked by others. At work we have to book our seats in the office, and I always just book mine on my own whereas all my colleagues tend to book together, and I'll only move to be nearer to my colleagues if they directly ask me, otherwise I'll sit on my own far away from everyone else. It's so weird. They must think I dislike them

Ah I can absolutely empathise as I was very similar until about 10 years ago - I went to a hypnotherapist and explained (just as you have in your OP) what was going on for me and it's literally changed my life / world. I've just looked up her page and she does online appointments, PM me if you'd like her details, she's got a website full of recommendations.

I'm in my late 20s and have worked there a year!

I also used to be very like this and had a really hard time opening up to people especially in work for some reason. I had to really challenge myself to start in small ways to push out of my comfort zone, like offering to make tea, or just trying to find little things to talk about or say hello etc. The more I did that it gradually built my confidence to the point where I'm no longer shy at work. I still get moments where I feel really awkward don't get me wrong but I just sit with it for a bit until I feel calmer and then try the same approach of challenging myself. I think I also needed to remind myself that I work hard, I'm good at my job and I deserve to be there and have things to contribute because I doubt myself a lot and defo have imposter syndrome. Maybe you need to start recognising the real strengths you have, keep a list of all successes at work (big and small) and when you're doubting yourself take a quick read back over it again. I also found meditation really helped me to ground myself when I'm feeling anxious and the more I practised it the quicker it became. The only other thing I found helped me was that I set out to be kind in how I went about my day, to be warm and welcoming to other people- that kind of took the pressure of me to be 'friendly' or 'interesting' and helped me look at it more like I'm doing something nice for them by making an effort than needing them to include me and that helped me feel more confident in making those moves in the first place.

I was like this in work, generally not with friends and family…I’ve wondered more recently if I have autism or something else is going on.
You’re not alone in this, I know how hard it is 💜

I was very similar to you op. I had CBT for social anxiety and it has helped massively. In fact I’d go as far to say it changed my life and I have friends now. You should look into it, how you feel right now and recognising it is the first step to realise you can reframe things differently! Good luck!

I have social anxiety and I am like this also, it's tough op and a lot of people dont understand. People say just put yourself out of your comfort zone but they really dont understand how hard it is

I completely get the lunch thing. I feel like that about the pub after work - if I'm not directly invited, I can never pick the right moment to go. But, if I want to go (do you want to go to lunch with your colleagues?), I now ask one or two "What time are going? I'll go down with you". Not groundbreaking but makes it more structured.

And completely agree with don't think that you have to sound 100% articulate and smooth to say something.. Confident people often don't sound slick because they have the confidence to know it doesn't matter.

yeah we get it, you're a super special introvert who has better things to do than be friendly with your colleagues, good for you, but that is completely irrelevant and unhelpful to the OP who has made it clear that she DOES enjoy interacting with her colleagues including eating lunch with them.

I think you should try taking very small steps. There’s lots of good advice in this thread. I once attended a workshop for women in work and they advised that whenever you join a meeting try to say something very early on. Speak out loud. Even if that’s to ask if anyone wants the window open as the rooms quite stuffy. Anything that means you have spoken out loud. Another example would be agreeing with a post someone has made, anything that means very early in the meeting you have spoken, it then makes it much easier to continue to contributed. Don’t be hard on yourself but try to aim for one thing different in the next meeting or next time you are booking a desk etc. Good luck.

I was like this for years, it helps me to remember that confidence is like a muscle so the more you use it the stronger it gets. Also just getting older you realise no one knows it all no matter how they appear most are faking it so just being a tiny bit brave and having a go at saying something helps. Also it’s ok to be a great listener and then when you do say something solid people do notice and listen. Keep trying it does get easier with time.

This is exactly what I would be like, I'd be saying the question over and over in my head but not actually able to speak. It only happens in some situations for me so if you met me you'd think I was a chatter box and not understand that I freeze in certain situations. I'm glad I've worked out what is going on with DD now so I can try and get her some help. There's some good SM pages on fb they might be a good place to ask for support ideas, it's very different to shyness and so not just a case of building yourself up to speak.

Sorry I can't be more helpful but I'm new to this journey as well, I've been more focused on helping DD with hers but with her if she has naturally spoken to someone freely then they become a safe person to speak to and she will always talk to them freely but if someone takes her by surprise and puts her on the spot over something she will reply but then not speak to them freely. It's a really tricky one as I basically have to tell people to ignore her and wait for her to come to them and speak and then she'll natter away to them!

Do you have any meetings over teams? Could you use the chat box to put your question?

also, why are you booking a seat away from your team?

I'm another one who used to be like this. I'm a decade older than you and it's only really the last 5 -10 years that I've overcome it. I'm never going to be an extrovert, but I can speak up when I need to and I'm not bothered by my own behaviour in the way I used to be

What was the root cause of the issue for me was fear of rejection- so with the lunch thing I'd be thinking that if no one asks me directly, they don't want me with them and if I go without being asked I'm going to see the look on their faces ' oh shit we don't want you here!' Even if no one says it out load

What helped was CBT - I'd recommend seeing if you can get this - I've done a group CBT course via the NHS in the past. I also found the books 'overcoming low self-esteem' and 'overcoming social anxiety' very helpful

One of the most common CBT exercises is to set yourself goals in order of difficulty and build up to them. As you mention a kind of mutism where sometimes you feel you physically can't speak, maybe the lunch thing would be one to start with? You don't have to speak, you get up and go when the others do.

It's not an easy thing to overcome, it takes a lot of work, but I definitely recommend giving CBT a go

I have selective mutism, but I think we behave slightly differently?

I was completed muted in secondary school when I came to this country. I didn't understand why I could not speak to anyone in school.

I tried so so hard over the years, I am 47 now and still affected by this. I have learned some techniques that helps, like asking questions, try to join in some conversations when my colleagues talking to another (very very hard). I can force myself to talk to others who I don't know well but I am muted again when I am in a group, question in my head can never come out. If I have to speak in a group, I can't speak correct sentences or making any sense. I avoid these situations whenever possible, I don't go to work social events, I don't go or eat lunch with anyone (mainly I need break on my own if I am in the office), I say none or minimal in our teams meetings and yes it has greatly impacted my career...

I can feel your frustration, I feel the pain most days and it's very draining working in an office.

I have not met anyone who behave the way I am and I hate it.

Sorry my post probably not helpful, just thought I let you know you are not alone.

Oh my goodness, this is me! As soon as the conversation begins I am thinking of how to end it. And I have probably prematurely ended many conversations because of this. As you say, it's not because I necessarily want it to end, I just don't want to miss that cue.

It's the same with messages, like whatsapp. If somebody messages me, before I reply I will already be thinking of how it'll end. I don't want it to be an abrupt end to the conversation, but I also don't want to carry it on when the other person wants to end it. So I end up being so awkward about it and it makes me avoid conversations.

Well I find that food and drink is a good ice breaker….so if you’re going to get a coffee ask your colleague if they’d like you to get them one, or maybe bring some biscuits or cakes in one day and offer them. Everyone likes food.

I’m exactly the same in meetings and don’t ask me how but I’ve managed to progress up the ladder to be a senior manager.

for me I think it’s a combination of low self esteem, imposter syndrome and also perhaps a contributing factor from childhood - I was constantly told that ‘children should be seen not heard’ and I remember excitedly trying to tell my parents things but getting told to ‘be quiet and go away’

I've found this really interesting as I think there's someone in our office whose like this.
I never know what to do. If a group of us are doing something and I ask her to join us, she'll smile and come along and sit with us but not say anything unless I or one other person ask her a direct question (none of the others seem to actively engage with her) & then she'll answer the question and maybe make another comment but not do anything to move the question forward.
Since becoming more aware about anxiety, ND and things, I've reduced how often I ask her to join us as I'm more senior than her (although not her manager) and was worried she was only coming/answering questions because she felt pressured to do so. After all, she never instigated anything or reciprocated and nor did she ever even stand up or make any other gesture to join us when a group of us were clearly off to do something or when I'd issued a general invitation. It felt odd saying "who's coming for lunch" getting comments of yes/no/I'm off to the post office etc from the other three or four and nothing from her unless you specifically said "Jane, what about you?"
Now I don't know what's going on!

Keep inviting her and then just let her join in as much as she wants to

It felt odd saying "who's coming for lunch" getting comments of yes/no/I'm off to the post office etc from the other three or four and nothing from her unless you specifically said "Jane, what about you?"
Now I don't know what's going on!

I agree. Keep inviting her. If she didn't want to join you, she would make an excuse not to. I think she does want to go, but just doesn't want to presume she is invited.

I have this too, I'm guessing as part of my ASD. Wanting to be part of the group, but not knowing how to be part of the group, and not knowing if people would rather I wasn't there because I'm sure they think I'm weird and unsociable. I just can't tell. It's a group/open invite thing. Like work Christmas dinners or birthday nights out. "Everyone is welcome" Are they though? Or does that actually mean just the people who are friends should go? I don't know if I'm counted as a friend. Probably not. It would be weird if I went then wouldn't it. I'll only end up standing in the corner on my own like a weirdo with everyone wondering why I'm there and probably thinking I lack awareness. Because I do.

People just seem to know how to do this stuff. Me, I'm just there. On the outside. Waiting to see if anyone talks to me. Not knowing when to talk, not knowing when to shut up, not able to tell if I'm annoying people, or if they're humouring me, or pitying me, or want me to go away.

Haha my thoughts entirely. Why do management do this? Are there actually any measured benefits? Have any of the organisers if these hell days dared to do an anonymous survey about what ppl think about it? The results would be hilarious I’m sure.