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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he's jealous of DS DLA

56 replies

MnetMum · 26/09/2022 19:34

We have three children under 5, the eldest (4.5) has just been awarded high rate DLA due to the extent of his care needs. He's severely autistic, developmentally delayed, doubly incontinent.. you get the picture.

I used to work FT but we decided between us that I'd go PT as I'm the primary carer for DS (dad works consecutive night shifts)

I've been putting off applying for DL for about 2 years as I just couldn't face the forms and found it all quite daunting, so when I found out about the award today I was so happy - we'll be able to do so much more with that money for DS.

DH's reaction has confused me though. He didn't seem happy for DS, he actually seemed quite jealous, sarcastically commenting that I might aswell not bother working at all now as I'll still be 'raking in' as much as he does working full time.

Cue some benefit bashing and how there's no incentive for people to work..

I can only assume he sees it as my money because it goes into my personal account, despite being for DS.

AIBU to think he's jealous and absolutely ridiculous?

OP posts:
Musti · 26/09/2022 19:36

Ask him if he wants to swap? Dick head

MegaClutterSlut · 26/09/2022 19:38

What they said ^ what a prick

x2boys · 26/09/2022 19:38

My child's DLA goes in the general pot with everything else ,is your dh struggling with your child's disabilities? it can be hard at first to realise just how disabled a child is and how much DLA is needed.

ancientgran · 26/09/2022 19:39

Maybe he finds it hard as it recognises the serious and longterm nature of your son's disability.

IsleofDen · 26/09/2022 19:39

When I found out my son was awarded middle tier care his dad high fived me and said “at least now you”ll get something for all the work you put in” he was referring to the carers allowance specifically and happy for us as a family.

I think your DH’s being a dick.

AspireMe · 26/09/2022 19:40

Is he your son's dad?

Soubriquet · 26/09/2022 19:40

Your dh is definitely being a dick.

“Well, you give up work and do the full time care for our children and I’ll have the benefit directed to you. Meanwhile I will go out and work full time”

Bet he doesn’t want that

NameChangeLifeChange · 26/09/2022 19:40

surely realistically it will go into the household pot with a view to prioritising DS’s needs? How bizarre that he would be jealous. I remember a friend being shocked at ‘how much’ she got (it was very well needed and she used it to support her daughter amazingly) but maybe he’s in shock…? Sounds like a dickhead though

Bundlesofchocforme · 26/09/2022 19:42

That must have been horrible for you but I wonder if it was a grief reaction on his part? I hope you can find a way through this.

Theillustratedmummy · 26/09/2022 19:43

I agree i think it might be getting conformation that your child has high needs. I definitely felt a sadness when dc got her award. Its not like I didn't know of course, but it was the acknowledgement by the government that she was officially disabled with high care needs I just found it hard to swallow for a bit.

Original poster
MnetMum · 26/09/2022 19:43

Thank you for the replies

Yes he's the father to all three.

We have our individual back accounts and then a joint one which we transfer our share of the bills money into.

I'm sure he would have no issue if the DLA and carers allowance (which I'm yet to apply for) was paid into the joint account and he had access to it. It seems, to me, that he sees it all as free money for me to do what I like with.

I've long felt that he doesn't appreciate just how hard it is caring for DS single handedly most of the time.

OP posts:
Castleheights · 26/09/2022 19:45

Does not sound jealous exactly… sounds like he is not aware of the hard work your son needs.

YumYummy · 26/09/2022 19:45

Could you put it in the family pot, this may help?
Its probably hard for him to acknowledge the child has ‘official’ additional needs.

Original poster
MnetMum · 26/09/2022 19:47

Absolutely I can put it in the family pot, I was never going to gatekeep it. It'll be there for the pair of us to use on/for DS however needed.

OP posts:
averageavocado · 26/09/2022 19:48

Swap - you get a full time job, he stays home (and gets a PT job)

You will be better off in the long run

YumYummy · 26/09/2022 19:48

Hopefully he just needs a bit of time to accept it.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 26/09/2022 19:53

Maybe it's time he learned exactly what you do all the time with your child. I'm really glad you're getting a good amount. It's great to know taxes are being used in this way. It must be a huge relief to you.

Starlightstarbright1 · 26/09/2022 19:53

The Dla is the benefit of the child, sometimes that is the parent needs to work less sometimes for equipment.. currently my ds's pay for tutoring.

I felt in shock when my Ds was first awarded Dla. He may not be reacting the way you expect as it isn't always the way you expect to feel.

x2boys · 26/09/2022 19:55

Starlightstarbright1 · 26/09/2022 19:53

The Dla is the benefit of the child, sometimes that is the parent needs to work less sometimes for equipment.. currently my ds's pay for tutoring.

I felt in shock when my Ds was first awarded Dla. He may not be reacting the way you expect as it isn't always the way you expect to feel.

Yep my son gets HRC and HRM under SMI rules, which he definitely deserves, but it's not exactly easy accepting that.

Original poster
MnetMum · 26/09/2022 20:00

I'm pretty sure it's not a shock reaction from realising the extent of DS needs, we've known DS was disabled since he was under a year old so all the 'coming to terms with' was done a long time ago.

I truly do believe that he doesn't see my caring for DS as meaningful work and therefore I shouldn't be compensated for it. I know that doesn't paint him in a very good light, and that's why I'm upset about it.

He works in a manual labour job which is pretty tough on his body along with the fact he's on nights, to him that is hard work not looking after DS which is what a parent is supposed to do anyway.

I have actually mentioned that before - swapping so he stays home and I go back to work FT and he was having none of it. Surprise surprise.

OP posts:
TwinkleChristmas · 26/09/2022 20:04

Wouldn’t the DLA go into the joint account? It’s his dad and your his mum so it’s for your son for you both to spend.

Original poster
MnetMum · 26/09/2022 20:05

TwinkleChristmas · 26/09/2022 20:04

Wouldn’t the DLA go into the joint account? It’s his dad and your his mum so it’s for your son for you both to spend.

I could certainly change it so that it does.

I didn't put much thought into putting my own bank details on the form as its force of habit. I deal with 99.9% of the family admin etc.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 26/09/2022 20:09

Nope he doesn’t want to be the main carer of his own child. He wants ‘free money’ with none of the slog and hard work of caring for a child with severe disabilities.

do you trust him to spend the money on your child if it were in the shared pot?

ChocChipOwl · 26/09/2022 20:10

@MnetMum for goodness sake, just keep it in your bank account. Protect yourself and don't be foolish.

Of course it's for your son and his needs. But no need to appease your arse of a husband here

TwinkleChristmas · 26/09/2022 20:12

MnetMum · 26/09/2022 20:05

I could certainly change it so that it does.

I didn't put much thought into putting my own bank details on the form as its force of habit. I deal with 99.9% of the family admin etc.

Show quote history

Then I can’t see why he’s complaining. He will have just as much access to his sons money as you do!