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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he's jealous of DS DLA

56 replies

MnetMum · 26/09/2022 19:34

We have three children under 5, the eldest (4.5) has just been awarded high rate DLA due to the extent of his care needs. He's severely autistic, developmentally delayed, doubly incontinent.. you get the picture.

I used to work FT but we decided between us that I'd go PT as I'm the primary carer for DS (dad works consecutive night shifts)

I've been putting off applying for DL for about 2 years as I just couldn't face the forms and found it all quite daunting, so when I found out about the award today I was so happy - we'll be able to do so much more with that money for DS.

DH's reaction has confused me though. He didn't seem happy for DS, he actually seemed quite jealous, sarcastically commenting that I might aswell not bother working at all now as I'll still be 'raking in' as much as he does working full time.

Cue some benefit bashing and how there's no incentive for people to work..

I can only assume he sees it as my money because it goes into my personal account, despite being for DS.

AIBU to think he's jealous and absolutely ridiculous?

OP posts:
Musti · 26/09/2022 20:14

i Can’t imagine how relentless and difficult your work is op. And made worse by him not appreciating it. He needs to understand just how hard it is.

Sit him down and make it very clear to him that he has it easy. That he can swap at any time or fucking count his lucky stars that you are willing to do it.

Babyroobs · 26/09/2022 20:18

I can't understand why he would be jealous of extra money that is paid to benefit your disabled child ?

Original poster
MnetMum · 26/09/2022 20:21

He works hard, very hard even, but is only on just over minimum wage. Night premium aside.

I think the issue is that he resents somebody being paid (in his eyes) a substantial amount of money, for being at home, when he does gruelling nights for so little.

I think that's what the problem is.

OP posts:
Musicalmaestro · 26/09/2022 20:22

Will the extra income enable him to come off nights?

DontSpeakLatinInFrontOfTheBooks · 26/09/2022 20:24

If you do apply for carers allowance (and you should if you’re entitled to it) it’s yours and should go into your bank account.

Your husband is being a massive twat and I’d be so disappointed in my partner if he had an attitude like that. Also DLA is not a benefit. It’s not means tested at all. It’s to help cover costs of having a disability, not as instead of working like say, job seekers allowance.

GrassWillBeGreener · 26/09/2022 20:24

I hope that things will smooth out as you start working out how you will use the extra money to your children's benefit.

I agree though that you can react oddly when something expected, is confirmed and become reality. Rather different, but my DH had a real guilt-at-not-providing reaction when we were notified that our eldest's scholarship was going to be topped up to 50% by a means tested bursary. Even though he'd done all the paperwork and we knew that was the only way she could go to that school etc. It seems to confirm to DH that he "wasn't good enough". That cleared up within a few days though.

LittleOwl153 · 26/09/2022 20:27

He needs to take a turn with ds and see for himself exactly how hard it is...

As an aside I have dds dla paid into a separate account - partly as it helps me see what is actually spent on her therapies etc. And makes sure the money is there for those. It is however in my name not a joint account - and dh definitely sees it as mine to do with as I see fit.

Tbh I do see his point with regard to some benefits... but disability benefits pittance do not come into that category for me.

Original poster
MnetMum · 26/09/2022 20:32

Musicalmaestro · 26/09/2022 20:22

Will the extra income enable him to come off nights?

Actually yes it could.

The problem is I don't think he'd want to. I've tried guiding him towards applying for other (day) jobs and he's never been up for it. He has done nights for years and is used to it now.

OP posts:
IntegrityisDead · 26/09/2022 20:34

I'm sorry OP but he really doesn't sound very nice. Don't make up excuses for his behaviour.

As I'm sure you are aware, even if he is in denial, caring for a child with severe disabilities most often becomes harder as they grow and the physical and emotional demands on you increase. You also have two other small children to care for. They are the ones depending on you.

Sadly, if your husband isn't interested in sharing this load in partnership with you your relationship may not survive and you need to bear this in mind when making long-term plans. I really do hope I'm wrong but I wouldn't bet on it either.

Letthesunshineonin · 26/09/2022 20:41

He’s a nasty bitter man. I’m sorry.

AlsoknownasOther · 26/09/2022 20:44

If you put it in the joint account, are you sure he isn't going to use it inappropriately?

Hankunamatata · 26/09/2022 20:59

Does your dh realise how unusual it is that your managing to hold down pt job with your caring responsibilities? I'm guessing he isnt avaliable to do much of anything outside working as night shift pretty much controls your life

Runnerduck34 · 26/09/2022 21:14

What a horrible reaction.
I was going to say maybe he finds it hard to accept his child is disabled , but seems like that should have been dealt with a long time ago.
It does sound like he doesn't value and respect what you do for DC.
The obvious choice would be to swap.roles but doesn't sound like hes up for that!!
I don't think the DLA necessarily has to go into the joint account as neither of your salaries are paid into that either.
I think what's important is, as a married couple with dc, you both have equal access to the same anount of money.
So really it's either both salaries and benefits are paid into one account and then maybe transfer the same set amount of money to your individual accounts for your own personal ( not on DC!) spending or you stick with current arrangement but making sure you both contribute proportionately.
It's all in the family pot so maybe you need to rethink joint finances?
We get DLA , although not higher rate, in reality it gets absorbed into family finances but we have paid for private assessments and therapy as getting access to therapy and assessments via CAMHS or our LA is pretty impossible.
Its clear from the Higher rate award you cant both work fulltime due to caring for DS , it's absolutely fine to use it in anyway that works for your family including paying household bills or having a few luxuries like you would have if you were both able to be full time employment .
Good luck with your Carers allowance application, you absolutely deserve this money and as a tax payer your DH should ge pleased his family is benefitting.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/09/2022 21:19

Does he never have your son on his own for any stretch of time at weekends? The only way he can criticise you is if he does, and he finds it really easy, and genuinely doesnt understand why it's a struggle.

If he doesn't, then he can't have it both ways. Its either eays, so he can do more of it 'to have a break' like you do. Or it's really hard work, in which case he should respect your contribution

MugginsOverEre · 26/09/2022 21:23

TwinkleChristmas · 26/09/2022 20:04

Wouldn’t the DLA go into the joint account? It’s his dad and your his mum so it’s for your son for you both to spend.

But it's just one parent doing the work caring for him. Dad has clearly said he'd rather be at work than giving up his earnings to be the child's carer like mum had to so why should the money be for dad to spend?

LiveintheNow · 26/09/2022 22:14

How many hours do you work part time? That may affect whether you can claim carer's allowance.

malificent7 · 26/09/2022 22:16

Is he always this selfish?

deeperthanallroses · 26/09/2022 22:17

I would not put it in the joint account if that in any way risked having it to use it on ds. If he regards it as ‘luxury money you don’t deserve’ (which is insane and deeply upsetting), he might just spend it.

AuntSalli · 26/09/2022 22:18

I absolutely would not put this into the joint family pot, it’s for the benefit of your son and I think somebody in the family underestimates just what that looks like in financial terms so you need to ensure it actually does benefit your son not mean somebody else gets to put their feet up or take their foot off the gas Workwise.

Starlightstarbright1 · 27/09/2022 08:17

Some of these comments are ridiculous.

Dla is for the benefit of the child... not for dad to work less hours, it doesn't appear this will help Dc in any way , Mum is already on reduced hours to care for Dc..

This helps buy extra activities, equipment ,clothing.. there are so many additional expenses rausing a child with disabilities.. It should enhance child's life.

x2boys · 27/09/2022 08:23

Starlightstarbright1 · 27/09/2022 08:17

Some of these comments are ridiculous.

Dla is for the benefit of the child... not for dad to work less hours, it doesn't appear this will help Dc in any way , Mum is already on reduced hours to care for Dc..

This helps buy extra activities, equipment ,clothing.. there are so many additional expenses rausing a child with disabilities.. It should enhance child's life.

Actually, you can use the DLA in anyway you want ti enhance the child's life ,sometimes that means one or both parents working less imy child ,s DLA goes into the family pot this means I don't have to work this enhances his life as I'm always home for appointments, always home to put him on and off his school transport, he's 12 with severe autism and learning disabilities, he still needs 1:1 full time care which no child care provider would be able to provide .

RedHelenB · 27/09/2022 08:30

MnetMum · 26/09/2022 20:21

He works hard, very hard even, but is only on just over minimum wage. Night premium aside.

I think the issue is that he resents somebody being paid (in his eyes) a substantial amount of money, for being at home, when he does gruelling nights for so little.

I think that's what the problem is.

Then maybe you need to make sure he knows he's appreciated as earning the money for his family? That's assuming that usually he's a good husband and father
Seems a silly thing to be arguing about, that money is to compensate for your son needing more in terms of time and equipment than a NT child

Thehop · 27/09/2022 08:31

Of my husband begrudged me some money that was n this situation I’d be feeling like he didn’t like me much. His reaction is bloody awful.

LindseyHoyleSpeaks · 27/09/2022 08:50

I think that’s an unforgivable thing to say about his own child. Shock reaction? More like the truth is coming out now and he let his guard down. What does he think you’re going to do with the money? Sail off into the sunset?!

deeperthanallroses · 27/09/2022 08:58

x2boys · 27/09/2022 08:23

Actually, you can use the DLA in anyway you want ti enhance the child's life ,sometimes that means one or both parents working less imy child ,s DLA goes into the family pot this means I don't have to work this enhances his life as I'm always home for appointments, always home to put him on and off his school transport, he's 12 with severe autism and learning disabilities, he still needs 1:1 full time care which no child care provider would be able to provide .

Show quote history

I’m pretty sure this comment meant not for THIS dad to work less hours as he won’t use any of that time to look after or benefit his child.