To think he's jealous of DS DLA

[MnetMum]

We have three children under 5, the eldest (4.5) has just been awarded high rate DLA due to the extent of his care needs. He's severely autistic, developmentally delayed, doubly incontinent.. you get the picture.

I used to work FT but we decided between us that I'd go PT as I'm the primary carer for DS (dad works consecutive night shifts)

I've been putting off applying for DL for about 2 years as I just couldn't face the forms and found it all quite daunting, so when I found out about the award today I was so happy - we'll be able to do so much more with that money for DS.

DH's reaction has confused me though. He didn't seem happy for DS, he actually seemed quite jealous, sarcastically commenting that I might aswell not bother working at all now as I'll still be 'raking in' as much as he does working full time.

Cue some benefit bashing and how there's no incentive for people to work..

I can only assume he sees it as my money because it goes into my personal account, despite being for DS.

AIBU to think he's jealous and absolutely ridiculous?

Yes that exactly was my point.... people seem to be making comments to passify dad rather than look at what this benefit is for

Just in case you don’t know. When you book tickets for thing you might get a carer ticket free or reduced. Things like zoos farms theme parks etc. Worth investigating. Proof of DLA is normally all you need. Also setting up an account for it to go in that you can use to specifically buy items needed for things can be useful. My experience has shown that the amount will go down as children age and are supposed to need less assistance. Ive not known them to ask about how it’s being spent. If you’re working less to assist then definitely investigate the carers allowance too. Even without the money having the title can be of great assistance in planning things.

I truly do believe that he doesn't see my caring for DS as meaningful work and therefore I shouldn't be compensated for it. I know that doesn't paint him in a very good light, and that's why I'm upset about it

Tough. I get the DLA because I could only work part time and it was my who did all the appointments, arranged the social stuff for him which costs and sensory stuff and other things to make life easier for him. My husband gets that and doesn't complain about it. Why would he?

Do not move it into the joint for him to spend, you'll end up feeling resentful. Tell him that's the bairns money and to help you considering you can't work full time and if he whines again ,he can take over and you'll go full time. Put in for carers today.

Some kind of non acceptance of DSs needs going on.

Thanks for the replies. I won't be moving it into the joint account.

I've been reflecting since I wrote this post and I remember feeling similarly disheartened by his response when DS got his EHCP, and a bit later on got into the specialist school I'd been pushing for. He didn't make shitty comments about those 'wins' but he certainly wasn't overjoyed like I was.

He doesn't get the same joy/relief that I get when the important stuff falls into place for DS. Never has. He's much less emotional than I am and much less invested in pursuing the things that will enrich his life, as above.

This does seem like he's struggling to accept the reality ,I remember after my son was diagnosed with autism and learning disabilities and, we then found out that he had an underlying rare chromosome disorder, when I told my dh his reaction was oh I thought he wss was going to get better ,now deep down he realised that wasn't going to be the case but it's hard sometimes to accept nine years on he's fully accepting of his needs and absolutely adores our son but it just took a while to accept the reality