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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I am NOT controlling/overreacting?

69 replies

KazMa · 26/09/2022 13:10

Scenario 1:
DH went out with friends. At midnight DH messaged he’s on the train home, so should be in for 1am and his friend will give him a lift home so I went to sleep. I woke up at 3am and DH wasn’t home, rang him numerous times and no answer so I began to panic what had happened… Sent message on WhatsApp and no reply. Half an hour later he walks in saying sorry he was just chatting to his friend in the car (one that gave lift) and he got carried away and didn’t think to message me as he thought I’d be asleep. We have a 4 month old baby so I regularly still get up at night to feed.

AIBU to think he should have just text me that he’s back but just chatting outside so will be late in? I was worrying something had happened.

He thinks that’s controlling of me and that we doesn’t need to tell me every single move he makes.

Scenario 2:
We were out shopping as a family and DH suddenly wondered off. I rang him to see where he was, plus baby was getting hungry and agitated to I wanted to go home. He wouldn’t tell me where/what shop and just said he’s coming. Acting all secretive 🙄 Later found out he just went to KFC to get a snack. Why couldn’t he just tell me “I’m just at KFC, coming in 5 mins”
Again, he said he’s an adult and can do what he likes and doesn’t always have to tell me everything.

Who’s in the wrong?

OP posts:
Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 26/09/2022 13:12

if he was sitting in the car why didn't he answer your calls? I hate when dh does this. If he says I'll be home in 10 and it takes 2 hours at what point am I supposed to call the police incase he was in an accident? The kfc would annoy me because I'd also like a snack.

Ponoka7 · 26/09/2022 13:13

It's game playing to get one over on you. It's him that is liking the power. Has he always been like this?

MarigoldMoonStone · 26/09/2022 13:13

i voted YANBU however maybe it depends how you addressed it with him, like if you go in all guns blazing straight away it comes across as controlling where as if you’re like I was worried something had happened if you do that again could you please give me a quick txt to say you’re just chatting outside. The fact he was secretive about going KFC is weird and I would be annoyed he didn’t ask me if I wanted something…have you had a go at him about his eating or spending before?

whythou111 · 26/09/2022 13:14

@KazMa how did you actually react to him coming in late? Was it relief and happiness to see him? Or was it anger and irritation?

For the second scenario, did he have any reason to suspect you would be disapproving or vaguely annoyed that he went to KFC? like has he done similar before and has it irritated you?

MarigoldMoonStone · 26/09/2022 13:15

Oh I forgot you had said you had tried ringing him loads of times, in that case I would of gone in all guns blazing haha why didn’t he answer!?

TiredBefuddledRose · 26/09/2022 13:18

Do you believe his excuses?

Thelnebriati · 26/09/2022 13:20

Why is he acting like its a big deal to let you know where he is, or what time he'll be home? Surely that's what partners do? He sounds less like a free spirit and more like a controlling arse.

ideasmirrour · 26/09/2022 13:21

In my experience, “controlling” is just what men say when they want to make their inconsiderate behaviour your fault.

Adults (especially those whose partners are looking after young babies) don’t find it a problem to let people know when they’ll be in. Neither do they need to be secretive about going to get KFC just to have done kind of experience of being a teenage boy not telling his mum where he is.

He’s a grown man, not a thirteen year old. Pure man-baby syndrome. Sorry OP 😞

SummerHouse · 26/09/2022 13:21

When two people are out shopping together, one does not simply take oneself off to KFC without telling the other then be evasive about it. Is he in the secret service? He sounds like a nutter on this scenario alone. Really odd behaviour.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/09/2022 13:23

Wow, he sounds utterly horrible.

NoSquirrels · 26/09/2022 13:24

Sounds like a twat. Is he?

I’d tell him that if he doesn’t want to answer calls or texts he can turn on location tracking and then you’ll be able to just look and see where he is. What would his reaction be to that?

ICanHideButICantRun · 26/09/2022 13:25

He thinks you're his mother, not his partner.

bakehimawaytoys · 26/09/2022 13:27

Sitting in the car chatting in the middle of the night and going to KFC alone during a family shopping trip are quite weird behaviours. Rightly or wrongly, they point to him feeling stifled and needing to assert his independence. Perhaps he is not adjusting well to life with a newborn?

I don't think YABU but I also wouldn't have called him several times in the middle of the night. I would generally trust DH to get home safely. A text saying "all ok?" is as far as I'd push it.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 26/09/2022 13:29

He thinks he is more important than he actually is.
Next time leave him to it. Get a taxi home with dc. Lock the door and go it bed.. Less attention basically.. He is an utter man child.

NotJustAnybody · 26/09/2022 13:30

I think he is the controlling one. He enjoys being secretive and keeping you in the dark.
Are these the only two incidences of him acting like this? Is this new behaviour? I'd wonder what else is going on tbh.

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 26/09/2022 13:31

Friend was another woman? Trip to KFC was to speak on the phone without you knowing ?

IamnotSethRogan · 26/09/2022 13:33

The night out thing wouldn't bother me really. DH and I just generally leave eachother to get on with it when we're on a night out though it's not fun if you're worried.

Not getting me a KFC when he was getting himself one would be a deal breaker.

On a serious note, while I love DH and being married I do sometimes get a bit frustrated about always having to consider someone else all the time and I don't love having to report my every move to someone else (not that DH asks me to at all but he's always in the back of my mind) though there is a fine line between being independent and inconsiderate.

It's all about finding balance. Also post baby the women (even with the most considerate husband in the world) does tend to have a bit less freedom what with feeding and all that so it's a bit frustrating when they're just wondering a out doing their own thing with no regard.

Pixiedust1234 · 26/09/2022 13:33

No its not you. At best he is just unthinking to do what he did but he should just accept that he didn't think rather than twist it round onto you.

Most normal adults would say they were hungry, anybody want a snack from KFC? To look in different shops and he walks past KFC and thinks yum is fine but to refuse to say here they were is awful. Mind games.

BTW my DH likes to twist things so I'm always trying to figure out what is happening and even he wouldn't do the KFC thing!!

mamabear715 · 26/09/2022 13:34

That was my first thought, @Cantthinkofanewnameatm
Had it done once, always the first thing I think of..

Armadillidium · 26/09/2022 13:35

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 26/09/2022 13:31

Friend was another woman? Trip to KFC was to speak on the phone without you knowing ?

This.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/09/2022 13:37

@IamnotSethRogan
The difference with the night out, is that he specifically called to tell her he'd be home at 1am, close to 1am and then wasn't at 3am. That's a completely different scenario to not giving a time at all.

slowquickstep · 26/09/2022 13:43

No it's not you. He is struggling with becoming a Father ?

Original poster
KazMa · 26/09/2022 13:44

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 26/09/2022 13:12

if he was sitting in the car why didn't he answer your calls? I hate when dh does this. If he says I'll be home in 10 and it takes 2 hours at what point am I supposed to call the police incase he was in an accident? The kfc would annoy me because I'd also like a snack.

He always has his phone on silent so didn’t hear/see calls or messages when I rang 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
KazMa · 26/09/2022 13:47

MarigoldMoonStone · 26/09/2022 13:13

i voted YANBU however maybe it depends how you addressed it with him, like if you go in all guns blazing straight away it comes across as controlling where as if you’re like I was worried something had happened if you do that again could you please give me a quick txt to say you’re just chatting outside. The fact he was secretive about going KFC is weird and I would be annoyed he didn’t ask me if I wanted something…have you had a go at him about his eating or spending before?

Nope, never had a go at him for spending.
I messaged him saying just to let me know he’s ok, when he did get in I was quite annoyed with him so probably did overreact! Doesn’t take long just to send a quick message… and I feel like he doesn’t do that as he feels like he doesn’t need to

OP posts:
orbitalcrisis · 26/09/2022 13:47

If he breaks something does he hide it and lie? Because he sounds so much like my mum's boyfriend! He's in his 80s so the behaviour may be permanent!

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