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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I am NOT controlling/overreacting?

69 replies

KazMa · 26/09/2022 13:10

Scenario 1:
DH went out with friends. At midnight DH messaged he’s on the train home, so should be in for 1am and his friend will give him a lift home so I went to sleep. I woke up at 3am and DH wasn’t home, rang him numerous times and no answer so I began to panic what had happened… Sent message on WhatsApp and no reply. Half an hour later he walks in saying sorry he was just chatting to his friend in the car (one that gave lift) and he got carried away and didn’t think to message me as he thought I’d be asleep. We have a 4 month old baby so I regularly still get up at night to feed.

AIBU to think he should have just text me that he’s back but just chatting outside so will be late in? I was worrying something had happened.

He thinks that’s controlling of me and that we doesn’t need to tell me every single move he makes.

Scenario 2:
We were out shopping as a family and DH suddenly wondered off. I rang him to see where he was, plus baby was getting hungry and agitated to I wanted to go home. He wouldn’t tell me where/what shop and just said he’s coming. Acting all secretive 🙄 Later found out he just went to KFC to get a snack. Why couldn’t he just tell me “I’m just at KFC, coming in 5 mins”
Again, he said he’s an adult and can do what he likes and doesn’t always have to tell me everything.

Who’s in the wrong?

OP posts:
Feelinglow27 · 26/09/2022 13:48

Sorry, also thinking other woman here

Feelinglow27 · 26/09/2022 13:48

But to answer, it's not you in the wrong

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 26/09/2022 13:49

It's odd behaviour. If DH and I go shopping I'd just say 'I'm popping to the stationery shop, see you in 10 minutes' or whatever. No big deal. And DH would do the same.

Original poster
KazMa · 26/09/2022 13:49

Thelnebriati · 26/09/2022 13:20

Why is he acting like its a big deal to let you know where he is, or what time he'll be home? Surely that's what partners do? He sounds less like a free spirit and more like a controlling arse.

Recently he’s taken up vaping which I disapprove of, so I think he assumes I’ll be thinking he’s gone to buy a vape or something when he wonders off and doesn’t tell me where he is. He kept the kfc thing a secret and kept asking “where do you think I went” to see what I’d say.

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 26/09/2022 13:51

kept asking “where do you think I went”

He'd be going a lot further than KFC if it was anything to do with me.

knittingaddict · 26/09/2022 13:52

whythou111 · 26/09/2022 13:14

@KazMa how did you actually react to him coming in late? Was it relief and happiness to see him? Or was it anger and irritation?

For the second scenario, did he have any reason to suspect you would be disapproving or vaguely annoyed that he went to KFC? like has he done similar before and has it irritated you?

Can't it be relief and irritation/anger? It would be if I was put in that situation. Happiness? Not so much.

A lot of angst could have been avoided by him answering his bloody phone. He sounds like the controlling, unresonable one.

Original poster
KazMa · 26/09/2022 13:54

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 26/09/2022 13:49

It's odd behaviour. If DH and I go shopping I'd just say 'I'm popping to the stationery shop, see you in 10 minutes' or whatever. No big deal. And DH would do the same.

Exactly this! I said why didn’t you just say where you are, why does it have to be all secretive!

OP posts:
RedAppleGirl · 26/09/2022 14:03

Most people whilst out shopping have a conversation about food together. One doesn't just disappear and go find something to eat secretly.
His conversation in the car sounds like lies to me.
Something feels off.

Onlyhuman123 · 26/09/2022 14:04

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 26/09/2022 13:31

Friend was another woman? Trip to KFC was to speak on the phone without you knowing ?

I thought this too!

moose62 · 26/09/2022 14:06

Perhaps play him at his own game and whenyou are out, don't respond....see what reaction you get.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/09/2022 14:10

He's having an affair/something else dodgy. He's gaslighting you in to thinking it's your fault. It's working.

SherbettingSherbert · 26/09/2022 14:15

You're not overreacting, his behaviour is immature.

Reminds me of what a young 'lad' type might do to misguidedly prove they aren't under the thumb. Massive turn off Confused

RedAppleGirl · 26/09/2022 14:18

Feelinglow27 · 26/09/2022 13:48

Sorry, also thinking other woman here

Agreed
He's not even good at lying.

diddl · 26/09/2022 14:21

Just as a matter of interest, if you'd looked out, would you have see the car?

I do think that when you have given someone a time that you'll be back by it's then the onus is on you to keep the other person up to date as & when things change.

Re the KFC-didn't he want to have to get you anything?

That's just weird!

Original poster
KazMa · 26/09/2022 14:27

SherbettingSherbert · 26/09/2022 14:15

You're not overreacting, his behaviour is immature.

Reminds me of what a young 'lad' type might do to misguidedly prove they aren't under the thumb. Massive turn off Confused

i think that too - his way of trying to show that he’s not in any way controlled by he and can do what he likes

OP posts:
PearlLennox · 26/09/2022 14:28

Is a bit weird. I sometimes get a bit irrationally annoyed at being “answerable” to someone (not that I ever do anything particularly exciting) but it’s almost like he’s trying to noise you up.

Original poster
KazMa · 26/09/2022 14:29

diddl · 26/09/2022 14:21

Just as a matter of interest, if you'd looked out, would you have see the car?

I do think that when you have given someone a time that you'll be back by it's then the onus is on you to keep the other person up to date as & when things change.

Re the KFC-didn't he want to have to get you anything?

That's just weird!

Parking is on the side of the house so can’t see when looking out the windows.

For those saying it must be another woman - I saw his friend drive off after, plus DH is crap at lying and I would know for sure if there was someone else

OP posts:
ohsuzannah · 26/09/2022 14:32

Just childish then 🙄 Try turning the tables on him 😡

Original poster
KazMa · 26/09/2022 14:34

ohsuzannah · 26/09/2022 14:32

Just childish then 🙄 Try turning the tables on him 😡

I know for sure he’d be really annoyed and suspecting stuff if I did the same

OP posts:
diddl · 26/09/2022 14:37

I know for sure he’d be really annoyed and suspecting stuff if I did the same

So he doesn't trust you?

But expects you to trust him when he just pisses off & acts like a twat secretive?

NotLactoseFree · 26/09/2022 14:39

If anyone is being controlling, it's him. Because he's purposefully acting in a way that stresses you out and leaves you on edge.

How old is the baby? Is this his way of establishing that he's still "in charge" or something incredibly stupid and immature but mildly preferably to him purposefully trying to cause you distress?

BraveGoldie · 26/09/2022 14:41

I feel like you are both stuck in a bit of a twist here, and are both partly responsible.

Yes he could have told you where he was in the shops, but why did you need to know? The relevant question is when will he be back, if you are waiting - not where he is. Asking him where he is could easily feel like an accusation.

I also don't think it makes any sense to ring multiple times. If there really is a problem, he's not going to be able to pick up six calls any better than one. If there isn't a problem (by far the most likely with a grown man), then ringing multiple times is just a way of nagging him/ controlling him. Yes, he could have sent you a text, but you could have also looked outside to see the car was there? Or trusted that he'd turn up and gone back to sleep....

His desire to be independent is clearly clashing with your desire to know stuff/ be reassured in some way... both of you are probably a bit 'triggery' about these things... trying to invalidate how each other feel ain't going to help - you will likely just become more polarised.

BlingLoving · 26/09/2022 14:41

Don't be taken in by his accusation that you are controlling him. Controlling him would be if you somehow stopped him from going out or would not "allow" him to go to KFC. What he's doing is being selfish and mean and by turning it on you, he gets to feel like the victim.

Neither DH nor I could care less what time the other one gets home from a night out. But if DH texted me to say he was on the last train and then didn't turn up until 3 am, I'd be frantic with worry. If he texted at 12:00 to say he was going to stay partying and would cab home as he'd miss the last train, I wouldn't blink an eye if I woke up at 4 am and he wasn't home.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 26/09/2022 14:44

Wtf, is he the secret KFC fucker. Did he not ask if you were hungry too? What a wanker. I don't think there is a cure for this level of stupid.

pinkpotatoez · 26/09/2022 14:45

He's being controlling. Making you guess where he went to maybe get you to suspect something worse. He's messing with your emotions because he thinks he can and wants attention now baby's here. He needs to grow the fuck up