To expect a call from the boss - turned down

[AndImFeelingBlue]

Last few months boss has been prepping me for a big promotion. Lots of support. Lots of competition (internal and external). But also lots of 'no one could do this job better'.

I don't know why I listened so much as I knew he wasn't on the interview panel. But he's very senior and his opinion well regarded.

I started being an idiot and started thinking the job was mine.

We need the money. I am the earner in the house - I feel this pressure to provide for my kids and my DH (who does work but part time). I wanted to be the 'career one'.

Anyway - the recruitment consultant they'd hired in to oversee the process called me at 8am (OUCH) to say I hadn't got it. When I saw them calling at 8am I thought it would be good news - call before everyone gets in kind of thing. But it wasn't. It's gone to someone external with 15 yrs more experience.

No call from the boss. From the panel. From anyone. Just a hired consultant who said 'tough luck' and now I'm just getting on with my day, doing my job, and just had to go off a meeting early because I started to cry (I hid it).

Problem is they think I'm not ready, so me crying or being annoyed is only gonna make them think I'm immature.

I just have been working on this for weeks/months - I've read everything there is to read, prepared so hard, worked so many evenings, and has this boss in my ear saying how it's basically my job...

And now..nothing.

I had been saying to DH 'Ah the extra money is going to make us all be able to relax a little etc' and I just feel I've let everyone down.

Any words of wisdom. Do I just leave? Or try to? Or am I being spoilt? It was never my job. I just thought someone might call me to talk to me today.

I'm sorry you didn't get the job.

I've been a recruiter for years and the advice I always give is to allow yourself today.

Feel all the emotions, acknowledge your disappointment, feel the sadness.

Then tomorrow is a new day. They obviously thought you were up to it in some ways as they'd never have interviewed you if not. Losing out to someone with so much more experience than you shows that it's nothing you did or didn't do. It's just not your time.

Don't worry about anyone else, they'll get over it too.

Feel it today and tomorrow start afresh. Ask for feedback (tomorrow) as well. Talk to your boss about what you need to do now to get the experience they need for a similar role.

Dust yourself down and get back on the horse. Your boss may have thought you were up to it but there's never a guarantee that a better candidate won't throw their hat in the ring, or that corporate politics will lead to an unfair result. Do you have a PDP you can use to give you a better chance at the next internal opportunity? Also, don't rule out moving companies. Invariably, we only get decent raises or significant promotions by jumping ship.

Have you just upskilled yourself for free in your own time? If so, I’d find another job that pays commensurate to the role you just trained yourself for.

But having said that, does the manager actually know? You’ve given everyone 3 and a half hours to speak to you and presumably everyone has their work to do still and didn’t necessarily know what time this external person was phoning you.

I’m so sorry to hear that. Good advice from @Twizbe and@WalkingThroughTreacle

You must feel let down by your boss too - they should never have let you feel it was ‘yours’ it’s unfair.

You have been working hard and it’s what you want and you did get the interview so you have everything ready to move on and up - apply for a few roles outside the company - see what happens.

@AndImFeelingBlue sorry, that's very disappointing!

I agree with everything that's been said so far (very unusual!!).

as has been said, I'd start job hunting, it's the best way to get a promotion & a pay rise.

sadly you've learnt your lesson about being given 'the nod' & it's something you can learn from.

You might have been by far the most suitable internal candidate but you can't really compete with someone who has 15 years more experience - and presumably who's already done the role. It's shit but ask if there's any chance you can work alongside this person once they're bedded in so you can learn from them.x

This has happened when I have been recruiting occasionally - you have someone internally who is a pretty good match for the role - not perfect but really pretty good. Everyone assumes that they will get the job. And then you get an external person that applies that is just so perfect for the role that you are pretty much obliged to take them.

It says nothing negative about the person who didn’t get the role. It is just really really bad luck.

We could have really done with bloody money. I feel like i've let my family down. I feel this immense pressue to get on career wise as quickly as possible to make sure they're all ok. I don't know where it comes from. DH certainly doesn't put it on me. But he does worry about money. Anyway - it's done. I didn't do it. And it sounds like there was nothing more I could have done. But I feel so down. But you're right @Twizbe - I need to give myself a day of being down and just let it be.

I think you need to take the positives from this. You have huge support from your boss who clearly values you. And your boss is well regarded within your organisation. So many people don't have this so be appreciative of what you do have.

It sounds like you got a little carried away and jumped the gun with your expectations so no wonder it hurts today. But how you handle this may well define your future in the organisation. Lick your wounds in private but stay professional in public. You want to demonstrate that you're resilient and mature to your boss, your colleagues, your management etc. You probably don't feel like having to put on a front when you're hurting inside but it's important you do this or you risk it being thrown back it in your face next time there's a promotion opportunity. Don't let short term pain distract you from long term gains. You have the potential, you need to stick with the long game.

Just stick to "I'm disappointed but I'm looking forward to seeing what I can learn from X blah blah"

I agree with you. What other pps have said about the job and why it went to someone else is fair enough, as I'm sure you'll accept when you feel better.
However, of course he should have called or emailed to see how you're coping with the news, not to rail or say it was unfair but just to say, 'I know you must be disappointed but hopefully, next time.'
Nice words cost nothing and soothe many a troubled breast.

Sorry OP, it’s horrid missing out on a job

If I were your boss, I would consider it great that you care about your career and put a massive effort in to this process. He obviously thinks you have good stuff because he’s encouraged you to go for it. However (unfortunately) male bosses in particular are very quick to judge women for being “too emotional”, especially if they think you might be directing any emotion in their direction.

If I were you, I would take the day to rage internally/at home, and then tomorrow when you have slept on it, make an appointment with him to ask him what other opportunities might be coming up and what more you can work on to get that promotion next time. It sends the message that you care, you are determined and you appreciate his help and his opinion.

Ah that’s a shame op but you shouldn’t count your chickens in future for jobs. Put all your upset into applying for other jobs today, all your energy into a new job and you’ll get something else

I so know how you feel.

Give yourself 24 hours and evaluate where you're at. Do you need to train, volunteer, mentor, move on? Some places just don't recruit internally, especially when they have paid a recruitment consultant.

The preparation will not be wasted unless you let this get to you. Manage the disappointment we'll and it will improve your reputation. Good luck.

That absolutely sucks. I got through to the last 2 after a 6 month application process only to find that the person who got it was moving sideways from an unrelated position. And then I have to report into them, and support them in learning all the stuff that they never had to deal with.
I put a lot into the process, and the way the recruiting manager treated me after left a very bad taste in my mouth. But onwards and upwards and I have the confidence to apply for senior posts now - but outside the organisation

Thank them for the interview and ask for feedback. Be gracious but start looking around for other opportunities. Maybe this wasn't your time, but your time will come.

So sorry OP.

I was in a very similar position recently, all nudge nudge wink wink and then... rejected
Feedback was lack of experience despite my years of experience and the fact that they knew exactly what experience I had when I applied.

My point being, you may not get good feedback or closure, try and be proud if yourself for getting this far.

It must have been very disappointing, OP. Most people would now look for a job elsewhere - sometimes you get pigeon-holed as "not promotion material" in one place, and another workplace can be completely different. Often it just comes down to personalities. And sexism, still plenty of that around.

You've had some wonderfully supportive posts. I can't do any better, just sending hugs & letting you know that tomorrow will be different. You did well, hugs. x

I'm sorry you didn't get the job. All of that hard work wasn't for nothing.

The best pay rise you can get is when you negotiate a new package, a new company, so once you've given yourself a chance to be sad or annoyed, get some feedback and start looking outside.

I've been in tech for 25 years and am senior, and the best way to get ahead in my world is 3 or 4 year stints, move up into a new company and then do it again.

Not sure whether that would work in your field but often the best salary increase you get is when you join new rather than promoted within.

If the person who got the job has 15 years more experience than you, did you really have the necessary experience?

I think the lesson to be learned here is to always take this stuff with a pinch of salt, everyone else has their own agenda. Ask yourself what is on their agenda and how you fit into that.

I can understand you are disappointed, but it was an interview process so the job was never yours. You should reframe though, this is not something you are lost, you've not let anyone down, it's jsut something you dont have yet.

I think if it were me I would take a little time to dust off my feathers and then look at what you want to achieve and, realistically, by when. If you can't see that advancement in your own company could you find it elsewhere? As others say, often the best route of progression is through changing employers.

As an aside, if you feel too much pressure being the "earner", could you OH pick up more work?

I was in a similar position just over a year ago.

Boss had put in their notice, prepped me for taking over. Interviewed and someone else got given it out the blue (they had an awful reputation).

Worst thing was I had to "cover" the position for 3 months due to a delayed start date. Basically feeling I wasn't good enough to be given the job but good enough to hold the Fort!

Then less than 12 month later, new person couldn't hack it, and I am now in the position.

Don't give up all hope, take all the learning opportunities you can. And when the time is right, you will get there!

It's a real shame about the job but you shouldn't feel you have let your family down when an external candidate with much more experience was appointed. It's great that your boss has so much faith in you but as he wasn't on the interview panel, he won't have seen the applications. He let you down by giving you the wrong impression that the job was yours. He could do with a refresher course on equal opportunities and good employment practice. Your DH has let you down because there is too much reliance on your earnings in your household.

You are clearly ambitious, hardworking and talented. You will get promoted in the future.

I absolutely agree with giving yourself to grieve the 'what if' - I was in an almost identical position myself in July & I wanted the job so, so badly I could taste it. It didn't help that everyone at the organisation seemed to want me so, so badly too. It was a grueling experience & when I got the email to say I hadn't got it I absolutely fell apart for the whole day - and for about a week actually. It has taken me a long time to move on & actually, i'm not there yet.

Your boss will be feeling mortified for you. I know they will - they just don't know how to reach out. It did help me that some of my panel rang me, they didn't need to and it showed a bit of class and empathy - I am sorry they haven't reached out to you.

I also wanted to say I am sorry about the financials too. 'My' job would have been life changing for us & as it is, we are now staring into a void really. I'm so sorry - it really is so dangerous to allow ourselves that little chink of hope isn't it? I totally empathise with you & I really feel for you. Allow yourself a wallow for this one, you've earned it x

That's tough. It at least souns like you lost out to someone who would be good at it rather than office politics.