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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 2 is easier than 1?

86 replies

MolliciousIntent · 25/09/2022 16:35

When I had just the one baby, people used to say things along the lines of "if you think it's hard now, wait until you have 2" or "ha, trust me, one baby is easy compared to a baby and a toddler!" I was prepared for it to be really, really difficult. And a bit scared, to be honest.

The reality is SO different to how everyone told me it would be that it's making me feel like a weirdo. I love having two, and to be honest I find it easier than having one. It's like when I just had one, I was focusing all my time and attention on DD1, it was super intense and all-consuming, but now that DD2 is here I'm splitting my focus and everything feels so much less all-encompassing and much less stressful.

Obviously I'm knackered, and the logistics can be a challenge sometimes, but I'm enjoying it so much more than I did when I just had one.

I said this to one of the "just you wait til you have 2" brigade, and she looked at me like I'd grown an extra head. Is it really that weird?

OP posts:
Isababybel · 25/09/2022 19:57

I have no intention of finding out. I am one and done!

ShadowPuppets · 25/09/2022 19:57

I have a 25 month old and a 5 month old and I feel broken atm if I’m honest. The baby just wants to feed and contact nap and the toddler is tantruming over any little thing - although as a toddler she’s a million miles easier than as a baby. I just think I’m not well suited to babies tbh, I can’t cope with the constant anxiety about when they’re going to start screaming (fuck you anyone who told me having a high needs first baby meant my second would be super chilled. Both of them have spent the first few months of their life screaming like banshees the second you’re not holding them).

BUT - and this is a big but - the older one was a dream after the first 6 months. As soon as she could sit up, eat food, move about, the relentless screaming stopped and she was sunny as all get out. So knowing this bit does end helps.

i think my take would be that baby one is a life shock and baby 2 is exhaustion. At least when baby 1 was sleeping badly and could only be held I’d just sit in bed watching Netflix and feeding - not an option when you have an active toddler too. I know I’ll get my life back but right now I feel like I’m working 20 hours a day, every day, since the moment #2 was born (and the 4 hours I’m not are the hours I sleep, in two two hour bursts from 10 - 12 and 2 - 4). But I know it gets better, I suppose that helps. I’m just exhausted.

dizzydizzydizzy · 25/09/2022 20:05

There are so many variables.

Mine are 24 months apart. DD2 was a bad sleeper. DP did not believe in doing childcare. I was knackered. I can remember falling into a deep sleep in a chair with baby DD2 in my lap. Toddler DD1 was yelling at me to wake up. I heard nothing. It would have been sooooo much easier to just stick with the one child. However no regrets, they are young adults now and great friends.

Poppins2016 · 25/09/2022 20:12

I was quite concerned when people said two were really difficult to cope with. The reality has been much, much easier than I anticipated. I've enjoyed this maternity leave much more... I think this is partly because I can have a conversation with my older child and the companionship is different to that of having just a baby... it's a less lonely experience being on maternity leave second time around!

I had a 'high maintenance' first baby (the definition of 'velcro baby' and would still wake several times a night at 12 months) and an 'average' second baby (wakes only a couple of times a night at 12 months old and is more independent, doesn't need to be in the sling all the time). I might have felt differently if the personalities had been the other way around... but I suppose I'll never know!

ShadowPuppets · 25/09/2022 20:12

dizzydizzydizzy · 25/09/2022 20:05

There are so many variables.

Mine are 24 months apart. DD2 was a bad sleeper. DP did not believe in doing childcare. I was knackered. I can remember falling into a deep sleep in a chair with baby DD2 in my lap. Toddler DD1 was yelling at me to wake up. I heard nothing. It would have been sooooo much easier to just stick with the one child. However no regrets, they are young adults now and great friends.

As the person who posted above you this gives me hope! Everyone tells me 2 (especially close together) is so worth it as time goes on. I had that moment of almost falling asleep last week with the toddler keeping me awake. Thank you for posting, it’s stuff like this that reminds me it isn’t forever.

Blocked · 25/09/2022 20:16

Depends on lots of factors, mainly the age gap. I had my second when my first was just turned 4, he's been a great help fetching nappies etc and now they're a bit older I can trust him to keep an eye while I nip to the loo and he'll shout if there's an imminent disaster. I definitely felt the pressure of being focused on one and always feeling bad about him being lonely and trying to keep him in company and so on.

PinkButtercups · 25/09/2022 20:20

I'm going from 1-3.
DS is 3. All I get is 'oh you wait, you'll have your hand full' 'rather you than me'

Yeah me too. I'm glad it's me not you because your if ignorant stupid comments don't help. Rant over 😃.

PinkButtercups · 25/09/2022 20:21

Typos sorry I'm tired!

ReeseWitherfork · 25/09/2022 20:26

PinkButtercups · 25/09/2022 20:20

I'm going from 1-3.
DS is 3. All I get is 'oh you wait, you'll have your hand full' 'rather you than me'

Yeah me too. I'm glad it's me not you because your if ignorant stupid comments don't help. Rant over 😃.

You’ll get a lot of “you’ve got your hands full”. And “double trouble!” shouted at you. (From this twin mum’s experience!)

dizzydizzydizzy · 25/09/2022 20:29

@i'm glad @ShadowPuppets

There are some time savings with 2. From y7 onwards, I never had to help DD2 with her homework because DD1 always did that. Even in the 6th form, thanks to technology (screen sharing etc), DD1 could still help from uni. DD1 has a very kind and patient nature, which obviously helps.

Meals were difficult when they were younger because they each only liked about 10 Ingredients and there was little overlap. They did grow out of this - eventually.

Now, they go out together- shopping, meals, cinema, gym etc. They really are best friends.

Vikinga · 25/09/2022 20:32

I found having 2 easier than one. Because they have someone to play with and interact with. There is a difficult time when they are newborn if the elder child is under 2.

mistermagpie · 25/09/2022 20:38

ShadowPuppets · 25/09/2022 19:57

I have a 25 month old and a 5 month old and I feel broken atm if I’m honest. The baby just wants to feed and contact nap and the toddler is tantruming over any little thing - although as a toddler she’s a million miles easier than as a baby. I just think I’m not well suited to babies tbh, I can’t cope with the constant anxiety about when they’re going to start screaming (fuck you anyone who told me having a high needs first baby meant my second would be super chilled. Both of them have spent the first few months of their life screaming like banshees the second you’re not holding them).

BUT - and this is a big but - the older one was a dream after the first 6 months. As soon as she could sit up, eat food, move about, the relentless screaming stopped and she was sunny as all get out. So knowing this bit does end helps.

i think my take would be that baby one is a life shock and baby 2 is exhaustion. At least when baby 1 was sleeping badly and could only be held I’d just sit in bed watching Netflix and feeding - not an option when you have an active toddler too. I know I’ll get my life back but right now I feel like I’m working 20 hours a day, every day, since the moment #2 was born (and the 4 hours I’m not are the hours I sleep, in two two hour bursts from 10 - 12 and 2 - 4). But I know it gets better, I suppose that helps. I’m just exhausted.

It's gets better, I promise. There are 20 months between my two oldest children and I was exactly where you are. The younger of the two was a terrible baby and honestly, it was awful for the first year.

They are 5 and 7 now and I have barely seen them this weekend, they are off up in their room playing Lego and making up games and just talking absolute rubbish all day long. They have always been good mates but since the younger one started school they have become even closer and they basically entertain each other and we do nothing!

I also have a younger child and I'm hoping she fits in with them eventually but even if she doesn't, their relationship is one of the joys of my life. It's worth it, honestly it is.

But I totally get how you are feeling now, it's a long old struggle.

DuchessSilver · 25/09/2022 20:40

(someone may have already said this)
But surely this is massively influenced by a global pandemic?!
If you have a 3 year old, then at some point during her baby years there was lockdown/no childcare/no playgroups or parks open...or otherwise your partner may have been working out of the house then and now is at home more?!
Or it could be the other way round for you and/or others... But given the massive changes we've seen over the past few years it's not a fair comparison at all!

PinkButtercups · 25/09/2022 20:40

@ReeseWitherfork I know and do you ever want to say please shut the f*ck up to them? 😄

SleepingStandingUp · 25/09/2022 20:41

If one to two is hard, I can tell you one to three is killing me 😂😭

SouperNoodle · 25/09/2022 20:43

There are 17 months between my two.
In the first 6 months of having two, it was absolute hell but the older they got, the easier it got.
Now they're 3 and 4 and it's soooo much easier with both of them as they keep each other entertained.
If one of them is home without the other, it's so much harder as they want 100% of my attention so it's harder to get stuff done around the house.

IrishMamaMia · 25/09/2022 20:45

Yep, I totally get this too. I found it quite hard going from no kids to one but number two slotted in. We're a little gang and the kids are playmates. I think I'm more relaxed in my identity as a mum too, I find it easier to strike up conversations at the playground and we always bump into at least one of their friends. I don't sweat the small stuff when they're going through stages as I don't have time.
Having said that my house is a mess, I find it hard to balance family life and work and I'm knackered.. But happy.

ShadowPuppets · 25/09/2022 20:47

@mistermagpie I think I love you - I really needed to read that tonight. Thank you. I’m in awe you went for the third though, I can’t imagine ever doing this again!!

ReeseWitherfork · 25/09/2022 20:51

PinkButtercups · 25/09/2022 20:40

@ReeseWitherfork I know and do you ever want to say please shut the f*ck up to them? 😄

I don’t mind people that shout those things and leave. It’s the people who want to have an in-depth conversation about them that I lose patience for. The ones I want to punch in the face are the “I wish I’d had twins!!!” brigade. They can fuck right off.

Original poster
MolliciousIntent · 25/09/2022 21:01

DuchessSilver · 25/09/2022 20:40

(someone may have already said this)
But surely this is massively influenced by a global pandemic?!
If you have a 3 year old, then at some point during her baby years there was lockdown/no childcare/no playgroups or parks open...or otherwise your partner may have been working out of the house then and now is at home more?!
Or it could be the other way round for you and/or others... But given the massive changes we've seen over the past few years it's not a fair comparison at all!

We actually had a very easy pandemic, to be honest. We did SPL, I was already back at work when lockdown started and Id been WFH for years, so DH was home full time with DD while I worked, which has always been the plan. Nothing really changed for us.

OP posts:
Whereland · 25/09/2022 21:06

I was actually pleasantly surprised at how well I felt I was managing with a new baby and a 15 month old.. this lasted until the new baby started moving/walking and then it was a totally different ball game. Two of them going in opposite directions doing things they shouldn't be 🤯 might be interesting to see how you find things when your 7 month old is on the move..

Original poster
MolliciousIntent · 25/09/2022 21:10

Whereland · 25/09/2022 21:06

I was actually pleasantly surprised at how well I felt I was managing with a new baby and a 15 month old.. this lasted until the new baby started moving/walking and then it was a totally different ball game. Two of them going in opposite directions doing things they shouldn't be 🤯 might be interesting to see how you find things when your 7 month old is on the move..

She's been crawling since 5m, and they're both climbers. DD1 walked at 9m and I have a feeling this one will too.

OP posts:
Glitterbaby17 · 25/09/2022 22:40

Not the case for me at all, I loved having DD and have found it so much harder since having DS who is now 2. Can't ever give them both what they need, different stages, he has a death wish so DD doesn't get the time she'd like doing quieter things etc. hoping it will improve when he's older

Katherine1985 · 02/05/2023 12:35

1 to 2 was harder work physically for the first year but still fun as long as I gave myself over to it being that way. Then it was a lot easier.

The 4 year age gap helped, I found, as DC1 could verbalise any feelings of jealousy which wasn’t that much of a problem as she felt very involved and did accept new baby’s needs where I was concerned, whereas, for example, if DP came in from work and held the baby straight away to let me do something, DC1 would get jealous so we worked around that

Skybluepinky · 02/05/2023 13:05

All children are different, and just bcos it’s easy now doesn’t mean it will b when they r older, and those who have a hard time when they r younger have it easier when they r older.