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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hope for a reciprocal play date invite?

53 replies

Newusername3kidss · 25/09/2022 10:53

My middle son is 6, he’s got a lovely bunch of friends at school and I know the mums pretty well (been for dinner / drinks out etc). All quite superficial friendships but all nice people. We’ve invited the boys to multiple play dates at our house over the last couple of years since he started school (obviously huge break because of covid ). And we’ve only have had one invite for a play date at their houses. Is this odd?? The boys have great time at ours as I’m super relaxed about mess whilst they play (I just tidy up when they’ve gone), we’ve lots of toys as have 3 boys and we have a big garden. One time a few weeks ago my eldest had 3 friends and middle boy had 4 friends over. Was manic and loud but that doesn’t bother us.

I didn’t think my 6 year old minded / noticed that he had never been to friends houses but he was in tears yesterday about it. I’m not sure what to do. He’s just desperate to go to his friends’ houses but I’ve had to explain you can’t just invite yourself. Have to admit I’m getting bit annoyed by it though. I’m happy for parents to drop kids off and I’ll often feed them so they’re getting couple of hours free time. Not sure what to do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Newusername3kidss · 25/09/2022 10:54

Just to confirm it’s a group of 6 boys and we have been invited once to one boy’s house and the mum obviously wanted me to stay (which was fine, I was so happy for him to have a play). She always just drops off when he comes to ours though.

OP posts:
Noviembre · 25/09/2022 10:56

I can't reciprocate playdates. The house is in a partially renovated state. I explain myself to other parents though, and tend to reciprocate by taking the children out for the day instead.

There could be other reasons a child cannot come. Two friends I had at school had an abusive drunk as a father, who forbade visitors and who turfed them out if he ever found any. Another had an abusive older brother. Some wanted to hide their poverty.

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 25/09/2022 10:58

I very rarely invite kids over to play. I find it really stressful, we both work full time so struggle to keep on top of everything as it is. We have a dog so even though ddog is as soft as they come I wouldn’t be able to not constantly supervise and I just don’t have the energy tbh.

im happy to meet up at soft play or the park or whatever but if you choose to have kids over to yours it shouldn’t be offered with expectation that it’ll be returned

goinghome2022 · 25/09/2022 11:06

I don't think it's unreasonable to hope for a return invite at all, but some people just don't feel comfortable inviting people over into their space. Maybe they aren't on top of their housekeeping and feel self conscious about it. Maybe their partner isn't friendly. Maybe they're socially anxious. Maybe their home isn't suitable in some way (small, no garden)... Then again maybe they're just not into hosting!? It would be nice if everyone reciprocated equally but not usually the case. You sound really welcoming and open which is so nice, but people do tend to take advantage of relaxed hospitality (the best kind in my opinion) sometimes. I guess you could stop allowing them to just dump their kids and run if you feel put out about it. I feel for your little boy, it must be tough but you can only do anything about your own choices really.

BungleandGeorge · 25/09/2022 11:07

Yes it’s polite to return the favour in some way, take the kids out if not over to their house. How often have the individuals been over though? Once each or more?

familyissues12345 · 25/09/2022 11:13

We've always had it pretty one sided too, but as I was a SAHM through both of my childrens primary education I was able to easily have friends over, other parents not so much.

I didn't let it bother me, it was my choice to invite them as often as I did

Threelittlelambs · 25/09/2022 11:16

but if you choose to have kids over to yours it shouldn’t be offered with expectation that it’ll be returned

Is this how you conduct your adult social life? One sided? What are you teaching your child here?

Original poster
Newusername3kidss · 25/09/2022 11:19

Thanks for messages so far - they’ve all been over lots of time, I’ve lost count. I grew up in a small house and used to be quite embarrassed about it so I would understand that but I know where they all live and it’s not that. I also know all the mums and dads from all the class parties so although obviously you can’t never been sure what goes on behind closed doors I don’t think there are any abuse / controlling issues.

To be clear I’m not bothered at all about being the host and don’t offer for people to come over to get an invite back, it’s only because my son was so upset about it as he’s desperate to go to his friends houses. No idea why he’s so bothered, but that’s 6 year olds for you!

OP posts:
TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 25/09/2022 11:24

Threelittlelambs · 25/09/2022 11:16

but if you choose to have kids over to yours it shouldn’t be offered with expectation that it’ll be returned

Is this how you conduct your adult social life? One sided? What are you teaching your child here?

That you don't DO something to GET something.

A bloody good life lesson.

@Newusername3kidss Explain that ^ to DS & tell him that you understand he'd like to go to their houses & play with their toys, but he'll just have to be patient and it's up to him whether he wants to invite his friends over to play or not. But it's not something to cry about. The reason they haven't is private to them and not personal to him. (Stick to that, DO NOT give him examples because he'll repeat it as 'mummy said...your house is too small/your Dad doesn't like visitors etc)

CasaDelSoot · 25/09/2022 11:32

When mine were at primary we always had playdates at our house. Most kids also reciprocated but some did it once (think they probably felt they had to) and that was it.

I've always had my own friends round for meals/drinks but I think some people just don't socialise at home. The parents may always go out with their own friends rather than have them round so they prefer the kids to do likewise. You see this with people who say they're too busy as working full time but will invite you DC along to park or soft play.

It's a shame for your son but I think you just need to accept it's nothing he's doing wrong that means he's not invited, some families just don't invite people round

OldWivesTale · 25/09/2022 11:56

Do they invite other boys to their houses to play, do you know? Maybe your son is upset because he knows that some of them have been going to each other's houses and he hasn't been invited? Either way, it's shit. And the selfishness of people never ceases to amaze me.

KweenieBeanz · 25/09/2022 11:57

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 25/09/2022 10:58

I very rarely invite kids over to play. I find it really stressful, we both work full time so struggle to keep on top of everything as it is. We have a dog so even though ddog is as soft as they come I wouldn’t be able to not constantly supervise and I just don’t have the energy tbh.

im happy to meet up at soft play or the park or whatever but if you choose to have kids over to yours it shouldn’t be offered with expectation that it’ll be returned

Fine, but be aware people may choose to stop inviting your child. Do you ever consider how the other child feels who never gets excited to be invited back? I have a few acquaintances like you and I'm afraid I stopped inviting their children to play as I felt I was being taken for a mug. Plus, my children were starting to feel upset that they never got to be invited to those children's houses and be the 'guest'.

KweenieBeanz · 25/09/2022 11:58

And, everyone finds it a bit stressful. I'm sure you enjoy a bit of peace and quiet when your children are at someone else's house? Don't you feel quite selfish enjoying that and never being willing to reciprocate? Some people are just all take take take.

NoSquirrels · 25/09/2022 11:59

You mention the one time your son was invited the mum clearly wanted you to stay, and that you’re quite relaxed about noise, mess etc. Is it at all possible your DS is quite spirited/hard to handle? Just asking, no offence meant.

The other thing is that some people just find it much harder to do play dates for a variety of reasons. You can’t take it too personally - unless they invite lots of other kids to play but never yours.

KosherDill · 25/09/2022 12:01

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 25/09/2022 10:58

I very rarely invite kids over to play. I find it really stressful, we both work full time so struggle to keep on top of everything as it is. We have a dog so even though ddog is as soft as they come I wouldn’t be able to not constantly supervise and I just don’t have the energy tbh.

im happy to meet up at soft play or the park or whatever but if you choose to have kids over to yours it shouldn’t be offered with expectation that it’ll be returned

Actually it's considered poor form to accept social invitations if one has zero intention to reciprocate.

Hankunamatata · 25/09/2022 12:01

Try not to take it personally. I remember years ago being slaughtered on mumsnet for not wanting to do play dates. Tried it once, bit of disaster as younger siblings didnt cope well so I dont do playdates. Will happily do park meets ups but luckily mine went to afterschools lots so played with friend there

Singleandproud · 25/09/2022 12:03

I only reciprocated in the school holidays as DD had activities after school or I was working. In reality its only DDs best friend that comes regularly and theyve been friends for 9 years. DD finds having people here in her space quite stressful and even struggles with her best friend.

I'd imagine if the parents seem quite well off it's more likely to be a parent is WFH, busy doing activities with other children etc o

Original poster
Newusername3kidss · 25/09/2022 12:13

NoSquirrels · 25/09/2022 11:59

You mention the one time your son was invited the mum clearly wanted you to stay, and that you’re quite relaxed about noise, mess etc. Is it at all possible your DS is quite spirited/hard to handle? Just asking, no offence meant.

The other thing is that some people just find it much harder to do play dates for a variety of reasons. You can’t take it too personally - unless they invite lots of other kids to play but never yours.

No offence taken, when all the boys are here it’s loud but he’s very adaptable. Have a boy here now and they’ve been playing top trumps for the last hour, I’ve been with the baby and not heard a peep out of them. At that boys house they played Lego for a bit quietly, then a more boisterous game outside. His mum is lovely, and had a nice catch up and coffee so didn’t at all mind staying. She has mentioned before when dropping her son off that’s she’s so impressed I’m happy having so many kids here at once as she would just be stressed about the mess

OP posts:
Original poster
Newusername3kidss · 25/09/2022 12:14

Hankunamatata · 25/09/2022 12:01

Try not to take it personally. I remember years ago being slaughtered on mumsnet for not wanting to do play dates. Tried it once, bit of disaster as younger siblings didnt cope well so I dont do playdates. Will happily do park meets ups but luckily mine went to afterschools lots so played with friend there

I’m just curious, how bad a play date was it then you’ve never done again? I’ve had some trickier than others with boys falling out etc but it’s never stopped me doing it again

OP posts:
moose62 · 25/09/2022 12:49

Some mothers just don't like the mess or having other children and as you invite their children they won't reciprocate. I had one parent who rang me once and said " Andrew would love to play with Peter, is he free tomorrow afternoon?" Obviously not real names....when I said yes, that would be lovely...she responded " great, I will drop him at yours at 3pm." Some are just CFs.....

Muddywaters1 · 25/09/2022 12:53

I don't like having other peoples kids round - small house, 2 dogs, the noise! But I do take my children's friends out for activities/walks/park visits etc with my kids instead so I can reciprocate in that way

CasaDelSoot · 25/09/2022 13:03

I think some people over complicate what a play date is.
At that age mine would sometimes bring a friend home after school or their Saturday morning gymnastics.
I'd give them a snack, which I'd be doing anyway. They'd play in bedroom, usually dressing up, schools with all the soft toys or with the dolls or Lego. In nice weather in garden with sandpit, tea sets, trampoline, which they'd have been doing anyway.

Any mess was in their bedroom, in garden or sometimes in living room but it was all things my girls would be playing with anyway so no more tidying than usual.

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 25/09/2022 13:11

I think it helps if those who can't reciprocate mention this. I don't mean the reason, that's not my business. But just saying "unfortunately we can't really hosts guests for the time being, but Billy really loves coming to play" was helpful. Otherwise I worried friendships that my DC were trying to pursue friendships where the other kid wasn't really into it.

We're not in a position to offer sleepovers (tiny house) which my DC and their friends understand, but I make sure to host lots of evenings at home and days out.

Ihatethenewlook · 25/09/2022 13:15

I’m wondering if their ages are coming into it a bit op. I’m shocked that you’ve had so many children over at 6yo. My little boys just turned 6 and no one’s doing play dates or anything in his class yet. I’ve got two older girls and we only started having people over/them going over theirs at 7 plus. I was actually thinking about this yesterday and was going to give it another year before starting to try and invite his classmates over. There could be loads of reasons why the parents don’t want someone else’s small child over at the moment, I suspect he’ll get more invites as he gets older. I’d point out that he’s already lucky having his friends over to play as it is. Mine seems to be the neighbourhood house that all the ‘street’ kids come to play in with my children, my front doors literally always open and I’m really laid back. My DD’s get invited over to the some of the other kids houses, but my ds never has just because he’s still little

sunflowerdaisyrose · 25/09/2022 13:23

Both mine love having their friends over and we definitely host more. I've stopped inviting the ones that never ask them back and they can just play with them at school.