AIBU to hope for a reciprocal play date invite?

53 replies

Newusername3kidss · 25/09/2022 10:53

My middle son is 6, he’s got a lovely bunch of friends at school and I know the mums pretty well (been for dinner / drinks out etc). All quite superficial friendships but all nice people. We’ve invited the boys to multiple play dates at our house over the last couple of years since he started school (obviously huge break because of covid ). And we’ve only have had one invite for a play date at their houses. Is this odd?? The boys have great time at ours as I’m super relaxed about mess whilst they play (I just tidy up when they’ve gone), we’ve lots of toys as have 3 boys and we have a big garden. One time a few weeks ago my eldest had 3 friends and middle boy had 4 friends over. Was manic and loud but that doesn’t bother us.

I didn’t think my 6 year old minded / noticed that he had never been to friends houses but he was in tears yesterday about it. I’m not sure what to do. He’s just desperate to go to his friends’ houses but I’ve had to explain you can’t just invite yourself. Have to admit I’m getting bit annoyed by it though. I’m happy for parents to drop kids off and I’ll often feed them so they’re getting couple of hours free time. Not sure what to do?

OP posts:

prescribingmum · 25/09/2022 22:21

I agree OP that it's rude to accept an invitation if you have absolutely no intention to reciprocate. Most of us work and have to juggle cleaning/activities/family commitments/siblings. That doesn't mean you don't make any effort but allow other parents to do so.

I have experienced other parents saying they struggle in term time but invite DD in the holidays/weekends. Doesn't bother me in the slightest but I would stop inviting if there was no effort on their part.

Sunshine9356 · 25/09/2022 22:39

Ein · 25/09/2022 22:11

I have similar OP. Here is what I’ve observed:

In most families it is the mums (not the dads) who organise the kids’ social lives and do all of the hosting / tidying after playdates.
the mums of girls seem more than happy for DD to come round to theirs. DD will sit quietly doing colouring in with their daughter, or just sit and chat / play with a doll. Hosting a girl playdate is easy, and full of activities the mum loved herself as a child.
The mums of boys don’t ask DS round. They gleefully dump their sons here and arrive an hour late for pick up. They don’t reciprocate. They want their boy out of the house as much as possible, and they don’t want any boys to visit them. And it is true they boy play seems much noiser/messier than girl play.
The mums of boys often try to leave their son’s social life to the dad. The dad may happily take the son to football, to sailing or swimming lesson, etc etc. But the dads never ever host a playdate, I doubt the possibility even occurs to them.
The only mums who invite DS around have nannies, and just tell the nanny to host while the mum goes out.

To sum up: most mums are happy to host playdates for their daughters, but can’t be bothered to do so for their sons 😢 This is quite damaging to boys’ ability to develop social skills. They ‘socialise’ in a tightly controlled way during school lessons, or at organised activities, but they aren’t allowed enough of the free play where children really develop.

It’s so sad and so unfair. For every 15 boy playdates I host, DS gets maybe one invite back and I’m thrilled to get it.

Do I judge the mums? Yep. I don’t care if they’re “tired from work” I don’t care if they “don’t like playdates” or “just can’t face it.” Raising a child is hard work. It’s not ok to just stick boys on screens / in sports lessons and not bother to bring them up, while doing much more for girls.

Do you also ‘judge the dads’?

mnahmnah · 25/09/2022 22:40

I would never accept an invitation for my DC to someone’s house many times and never have them back in return. They’re very cheeky, especially when you feed them too! Of course you offer on return.

Me and DH work full-time, he works anti-social hours. We’re exhausted and busy on a weekend doing house stuff, food shop etc. Our house is the smallest out of everyone I know. But we invite our DC friends over all the time. It keeps them happy and entertained while we do stuff. It’s nice to sit and have a cuppa and natter with the mums too.

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