AIBU to hope for a reciprocal play date invite?

[Newusername3kidss]

My middle son is 6, he’s got a lovely bunch of friends at school and I know the mums pretty well (been for dinner / drinks out etc). All quite superficial friendships but all nice people. We’ve invited the boys to multiple play dates at our house over the last couple of years since he started school (obviously huge break because of covid ). And we’ve only have had one invite for a play date at their houses. Is this odd?? The boys have great time at ours as I’m super relaxed about mess whilst they play (I just tidy up when they’ve gone), we’ve lots of toys as have 3 boys and we have a big garden. One time a few weeks ago my eldest had 3 friends and middle boy had 4 friends over. Was manic and loud but that doesn’t bother us.

I didn’t think my 6 year old minded / noticed that he had never been to friends houses but he was in tears yesterday about it. I’m not sure what to do. He’s just desperate to go to his friends’ houses but I’ve had to explain you can’t just invite yourself. Have to admit I’m getting bit annoyed by it though. I’m happy for parents to drop kids off and I’ll often feed them so they’re getting couple of hours free time. Not sure what to do?

@KosherDill so if someone has a wedding or a birthday party I need to have one to invite them back? Nonsense

generally the people who have lots of play dates are the ones who think their children benefit or have only children so want someone there to entertain their child. They aren’t doing it as a favour to me.

OP I could have written your post. I’ve always invited children over for playmates. My little one rarely invited back even by children I know he’s properly friends with. He too has been upset by it and, like you, I find it hard not to mind for him. I do know several people who don’t invite their childrens friends for play dates because it’s too much work. I do think it’s quite selfish but each to their own

My daughter's beat friend practically lives with us on weekends and during half terms. She comes for a day and then doesn't leave for 6! I must admit I am super jealous of her mother who has lots of free time and looks fantastic whereas I'm usually a stressed mess. However, they prefer being here because I drive and we live closer to the riding club where they both ride. My daughter hasn't been to her house in probably a year! I would feel bad saying "no" though as my daughter loves having her over.

On the other hand, my daughter has been to a number of her friend's houses who haven't been to ours because they are super wealthy, live in gorgeous mansions and I am super embarrassed about our tiny (usually untidy 🫣) house.

best friend*

I don't do play dates, I've already got enough kids in the house, not much space and a dog that doesn't stop barking at other people. I don't mind my teen Ds having mates round as they're no trouble and mainly sit in his bedroom.

I was always very happy to host but never Expected it back as I’m fully aware folks habe their own shit going on and if an invite isn’t forth coming then it’s likely not about us but everything about them,

this was sadly cemented by a woman who acted like everything was fine,always chatty, her kid often at ours for play dates, lived in a beautiful home, and once phoned me and asked if I could keep her child very late after a play date, which was very awkward as I had guests that evening, I did and she later turned up with her face swollen and panned in and sore all over where her husband had beaten her.

As she walked down the path with her child to leave I heard her say “now straight to bed when we get home, daddy is in one of his moods” and the child looking at her tearfully.

my friends were old bill too, and we tried everything to get her to report and stay but she was having none of it.

if someone’s not inviting back just assume there’s a good reason and only host if you don’t expect it back

When my two were small they had loads of friends over. We had a tiny two up two down with a large garden. Yes there was lots of mess but that's normal isn't it? Fortunately my friends all reciprocated. There weren't clubs after school then apart from swimming and brownies/cubs etc.
I don't understand the posters who don't host play dates. It's free, your child is entertained, if you provide a snack/lunch/tea it's only what you'd do for your own child.
I think op as long as your friends aren't having other children to play and leaving yours out then carry on ad you are and try to explain that it's not just your son it's every child that's not being invited back.
Some parents try so hard to ensure their child is going to every club going at quite a cost to keep them busy and entertained instead of recognising that children need downtime too. Not a criticism just an observation.

Possibility 1 is that the other parents are having other children in the group of 6 over but not your son - that I would be very miffed at (and would try not to let my son find out!). In that case, a casual 'maybe at yours next time eh?' wouldn't go amiss and I'd also, perhaps, stop letting that parent use me as a drop off unless my kid and theirs are besties.
The other is that the other parents just don't have other kids round - mess, setup whatever, so I'd then think about how you feel having other kids dropped off and explain the situation a bit to your son. But I'd also perhaps start limiting how much people drop off and go.

I can't really reciprocate play dates at the house - my partner works from home and is on calls from 9.30 until at least 6 (if not later!) so we can't really have kids over.
I do, however, always suggest going to soft play etc "my treat" or the park and "I'll buy the hot chocolates" etc.
it's also worth mentioning that when I was kid, I really really didn't like having people over to my house, so would ask my mum to get out of it as much as possible. It might be that the kids themselves just don't like having people over? But as a poster above said, it depends if they're leaving your son out and still having play dates though

Why not just say something like "... or, if you prefer, we could always get the kids together at your place instead?" next time the topic of a playdate comes up. If there are Reasons why they can't really host, they will let you know.

Among my friends, there tends to be a pattern for each one of, we most often get together at mine or at hers--typically, it will be the person with the most space.

I do think that your friends should be offering to help with the tidy-up though. You mentioned clearing up after the kids have gone home. Maybe consider saying something like "I'll just put the kettle on, shall we all get this mess picked up?" or something like that. If I was picking my child up from someone's house and the kids had made a mess, I'd be helping to clear up (and getting my kid to do some of it as well).

Sorry OP but it's just rude not to reciprocate in some way. !

Excuses like 'I work full time' or 'DH works from home' or 'having other kids in the house make me stressed' are quite frankly pathetic and very poor manners if they have had their child to yours.

I've had 3 and DH had 4 (EOW) they were all encouraged to have friends to play. We both worked full time with DH wfh. We arranged play dates with their friends by Child minder picking up from school and walking them home. I got home at 4 and supervised and cooked them some tea. They usually got picked up at 6 . We cleared up before bath and bed.
If DH had a late call I took them to the rec with a picnic in the summer or to do an activity and kids meal out. Before I dropped them back.

There is only one realistic excuse for that type of behaviour and that is if you have disabled spouse/child at home in which case you explain this before you accept.

If you and yours are otherwise healthy and you find one extra child in the house for 2/3 hours 'stressful' you need to have a word with yourself.

In my experience it's about it being too much like hard work and far too interested in a 'tidy home' than putting your children first.

In which case don't accept invitations to other peoples houses.

I think it’s unreasonable to expect play dates to be reciprocated for all the reasons others have given. I loved having my DC’s friends to play and would always make a special tea for them. I had my own business so was able to have children over while other parents were still at work.

As the DC grew into teenagers, friends would be over frequently, sunbathing in the garden or just hanging out. They often stayed overnight. We kept a well stocked larder with lots of cheap pizza and oven chips. My DH always volunteered to take the kids to concerts, festivals etc and deliver them safely home again.

Yes, it was one-sided but we knew our daughters were safe and their friends were grateful and courteous. I’d do exactly the same again.

Bet you haven't tried this?
Ask your son when playing with the other boys to ask if he can go to their house and see what the answer is?

Sorry OP but it's just rude not to reciprocate in some way. ! Excuses like 'I work full time' or 'DH works from home' or 'having other kids in the house make me stressed' are quite frankly pathetic and very poor manners if they have had their child to yours

I agree with this. OP you're a lovely person for doing this though! I couldn't host play dates for very good reasons at my home when mine were small. But I always reciprocated. I would take their kids off their hands for a few hours, go to the park, feed the ducks, walk in the woods etc. if weather was really awful I'd splash out on soft play. But I'd never continue to enjoy child free time whilst someone else was entertaining my dc and not reciprocate. How bloody rude.

@madaboutsaffron but they aren’t giving me ‘child free time’ play dates are generally when my child would be at after school club which I’ve already paid for or would be quietly watching tv with a snack while I work.

we both work 8:30-5:30 5 days a week plus travel/ extra in evenings when needed. When exactly am I supposed to be taking other peoples kids out for a few hours?

In my experience, playdates are almost never reciprocated.....and in one instance, one group took complete advantage to the point I got so fed up of them inviting themselves to mine and not once returning the offer that I just stopped seeing them.

Hosting is hard work, especially if you have a busy life anyway, houses don't clean themselves, snacks don't magically appear and in my view it is unfair my DC always had to share her space and toys with her friends but never gets to experience playing at her friends houses.

We do have a larger than average house, but it really annoys me that there's an expectation we will host, and so now I just don't initiate any idea of a playdate as I will put in effort to tidy and prepare, and then have to do it the next time, and the next.

To be fair I would never invite my DC to someone else’s house, that complete CF behaviour. But if asked if assume they were asking because the wanted to, not so it’s reciprocated

@Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday a couple hours on a Saturday or Sunday?

Between hobbies, bday parties, housework, attempting to get some rest to face the week ahead, batch cooking & grandparents/family there is almost never time.

I rarely go to other people's houses. It gives me huge anxiety. I have to be really comfortable with someone to be in their space. I worry about my kids breaking something. I honestly couldn't afford to replace things. I haven't had people round for play dates. We used to live in a tiny flat above shops with no outside space. Whereas our baby group friends have houses with garden's. We moved but where we live at the moment it's not really suitable for guests.

I'm more than happy to host playdates as I only have the one DS and I want to make sure he has friends to play with, so I'm happy to put myself out to accommodate this. He's also still at the age where the parents, who are my friends, will also stay so it's socialising for me too. I'm also not precious about mess. I get that not everyone is like this though. I've definitely hosted more playdates than I've been invited to.

laughing at all the people on here who don’t reciprocate play dates because they don’t like the mess and noise and ‘stress’ (can’t be arsed) but ‘take the kids out to soft play etc’. As if that ever happens IRL. IMO it’s a bit rude to no reciprocate but l understand some people have legitimate reasons. Apart from close friends who all take turns to host I’ve only ever invited 3 children round for play dates, non of which have been reciprocated. One Keeps saying she will when she sorts her house out (I think it’s in complete disarray), one moved and is in the midst of unpacking and one was having building works done so I’ve let them all off.

I always did the same. Invite twice, if no invite back, I’d stop inviting.
i don’t care about the state of someone’s house.

I have similar OP. Here is what I’ve observed:

• In most families it is the mums (not the dads) who organise the kids’ social lives and do all of the hosting / tidying after playdates.
• the mums of girls seem more than happy for DD to come round to theirs. DD will sit quietly doing colouring in with their daughter, or just sit and chat / play with a doll. Hosting a girl playdate is easy, and full of activities the mum loved herself as a child.
• The mums of boys don’t ask DS round. They gleefully dump their sons here and arrive an hour late for pick up. They don’t reciprocate. They want their boy out of the house as much as possible, and they don’t want any boys to visit them. And it is true they boy play seems much noiser/messier than girl play.
• The mums of boys often try to leave their son’s social life to the dad. The dad may happily take the son to football, to sailing or swimming lesson, etc etc. But the dads never ever host a playdate, I doubt the possibility even occurs to them.
• The only mums who invite DS around have nannies, and just tell the nanny to host while the mum goes out.

To sum up: most mums are happy to host playdates for their daughters, but can’t be bothered to do so for their sons 😢 This is quite damaging to boys’ ability to develop social skills. They ‘socialise’ in a tightly controlled way during school lessons, or at organised activities, but they aren’t allowed enough of the free play where children really develop.

It’s so sad and so unfair. For every 15 boy playdates I host, DS gets maybe one invite back and I’m thrilled to get it.

Do I judge the mums? Yep. I don’t care if they’re “tired from work” I don’t care if they “don’t like playdates” or “just can’t face it.” Raising a child is hard work. It’s not ok to just stick boys on screens / in sports lessons and not bother to bring them up, while doing much more for girls.

That you don't DO something to GET something

Wow! Seriously the only ‘gain’ here is friendship - you have to spend time with friends to become friends. You can’t facilitate that form your children’s benefit?

We always had a house full, I also made the effort to arrange drop of and collect many play dates for my children.

If parents didn’t reciprocate I would assume they didn’t want our children to be friends and I wouldn’t flog a dead horse allowing them to drop their child off whilst they swanned off!! Friendship is a two way street.