My husband is lazy and it's driving me insane
Ek232 · 24/09/2022 17:14
I don't even know where to start with this tbh.
My husband acts like a slob and I've tried everything I can think of to get him to try harder or to lower my standards but it's getting to breaking point. He's always been on the lazy side but it's getting too much for me to deal with.
He has really poor personal hygiene. He doesn't wash very often despite having a job where he gets dirty. He smells and tries to cover it with body spray - which really doesn't work. Plus he's visibly dirty a lot of the time. His hands are often grubby and he gets lines on the back if his neck which are gross. He leaves dirty finger marks on the banister and door handles etc until I nag him to wash his hands. We don't have sex because he smells. I usually end up sleeping on the sofa most nights because he's dirty and smelly. The pillow cases are stained because he sweats on them.
I've told him - nicely and not as nicely- that he smells. I've said I won't have sex with him unless he washes and brushes his teeth better. He just says I'm being bitchy. Earlier, I was cleaning and went to wipe the bannister which was filthy again and I complained that it shouldn't get that dirty so often and he denied it was him. Apparently he never touches the bannister. (Our son is 14 so it's not even toddler grubby fingers).
He doesn't get changed when he comes jn and will sit around in dirty clothes for weeks without washing them.
His attitude to housework is pretty much the same as his attitude to his personal hygiene. He dumps things everywhere. Dirty socks all over. Rubbish overflowing. He never puts anything away. If I ask him to help with housework his answer is always 'but the house isn't that messy' or 'but noones coming'. I can't live in a mess so I end up doing all the housework myself. Only for him to leave keys and rubbish and everything else everywhere.
It's the hygiene thing that's bothering me the most. It's a Saturday and I just want to sit and watch a film and snuggle tonight but I know I can't because he smells. I'll probably be sleeping om the sofa because he doesn't think he's dirty enough to shower. He hasn't showered in a full week.
He doesn't think any of this is his problem. I'm being ' a bitch' or I 'have ocd' etc. Sometimes it's like he takes a weird pride In his laziness. He went to kiss me the other day and I wasn't even trying to react but I instinctively pulled away because the smell was too much. He laughed and said 'oh yeah. Not brushed my teeth today...maybe not even yesterday ' then breathed in my face.
I honestly don't think I can take much more. It feels so silly to be considering divorce because he won't shower but this is where we're at.
I've tried suggesting we shower together. I've tried running him baths for when he gets home. Nothing works and tbh it's exhausting to constantly be thinking of ways to get him to wash.
It's not a mental health thing - he's always been lazy but it's getting worse/bothering me more. It's not sensory. When he's kn the bath or shower he can spend hours in there. It's more a 'can't be bothered' thing.
Am I being unreasonable?AIBU
You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
AnneLovesGilbert · 24/09/2022 17:19
It doesn’t seem silly. You have to divorce him. You’ve got no other choice. And it’s not because he won’t shower it’s because he’s disgusting, treats you and your son and your home with contempt and he's verbally abusive.
Trulyweird1 · 24/09/2022 17:22
you say he’s always been lazy, has he always been smelly? If not, when did that change? Likewise the messy stuff round the house - has he ever been better?
It would be a deal breaker for me- it’s just so disrespectful to you, your child, his home , and to be honest to whomever he works with.
How do you feel about him leaving? Could you keep your home with your DC?
Are you able to ask him to leave ?
Peridot1 · 24/09/2022 17:22
Ugh. Was he like this before you got married? I assume not or you wouldn’t have married him?
I couldn’t live with that level of disrespect. Which is what it is. Disrespect for you, for your home, for your DS and for himself.
Travis1 · 24/09/2022 17:22
Nope. Divorce is your only option now. Is this what you want your child to have as an example?!
sunlovingcriminal · 24/09/2022 17:24
Gross. My partner is messy, but he is clean. Showers daily. There is something wrong with your OH, he needs to realise that he is an adult. Washing daily isn't optional, washing hands isn't optional, brushing teeth isn't optional.
44PumpLane · 24/09/2022 17:26
This is not silly at all OP, I honestly couldn't be with a man with such poor personal hygiene. Quite frankly it's absolutely disgusting that he lets himself get so smelly....and to not brush teeth at least twice a day is awful.
If he doesn't respect himself or you enough to be hygienic, honestly please leave, you deserve better than this and your son deserves a better lesson.
Ps this sounds like I'm telling you off ...sorry, clearly this is not your fault at all, I'm just so horrified for you!!
Aquamarine1029 · 24/09/2022 17:27
He is an absolutely appalling for your son, you'll be lucky if he doesn't grow up to be just like his father at this point. It is baffling why you have tolerated this vile man for so long. Why have you? He's simply never going to change, and he doesn't "act" like a slob, he IS a slob. He's disgusting.
TwilightSkies · 24/09/2022 17:29
It feels so silly to be considering divorce because he won't shower but this is where we're at.
Much MUCH sillier to stay married to him IMO.
BarryK3nt · 24/09/2022 17:30
Yeah, you’ve clearly tried everything so I think you need to divorce. Your son is 14, he will be ok.
drinkstoomuchwine · 24/09/2022 17:31
Any relationship where one partner causes the other deliberate stress and upset by their actions (and he appears to enjoy it?) means it’s dead in the water.
I’d be planning my exit.
UWhatNow · 24/09/2022 17:31
What is your AIBU? I would kick his arse out personally - if he’s stinking up the sofa and doesn’t give a shit that’s very grim. But you married him, you had kids with him, what do you want?
NoSquirrels · 24/09/2022 17:32
It feels so silly to be considering divorce because he won't shower
It doesn’t seem ‘silly’ at all.
It’s not a trivial matter.
Stichintimesavesstapling · 24/09/2022 17:32
I can imagine the smell. It must be awful and seeped into all your sofas and beds. Yuck!
It seems like a form of control, he gets the whole bed to himself and pushes you to the sofa, he has you running around after him to clean everything.
I don't think he'll change. He doesn't respect you at all.
whatstheteamarie · 24/09/2022 17:33
This is just awful.
Think how much nicer your life would be without him in it.
A nice clean bed all to yourself. One less person to clean up after. No stench from the person next to you 🤢
Seriously, this is an awful way to live, please get out for both yours and your son's sake.
LovelyChicken · 24/09/2022 17:39
Stop trying to think of ways to get this revolting man to clean himself - you're not his mum and he's feeding off the fact that his behaviour upsets you. He calls you a bitch - this is despicable! Take your time to find out a way to leave him, do not enter in to discussions with him about his behaviour. Just look out for yourself and DC.
loislovesstewie · 24/09/2022 17:53
He's being abusive. Just leave or better still get him out. You don't deserve this.
Pansypotter123 · 24/09/2022 17:58
He laughed and said 'oh yeah. Not brushed my teeth today...maybe not even yesterday ' then breathed in my face.
That's abusive in itself. Just nasty.
HangOnToYourself · 24/09/2022 17:59
Your description of him put me off my dinner 🤢 you deserve better than this
Pengwinn · 24/09/2022 18:01
My ex was the same. Would happily go for weeks without showering, never wore deodorant or clean clothes- it was vile. No mental health issues and funny enough if he was meeting with friends or whatever he would shower (wasn't often though). I think it was a lack of respect for me and your DS tbh along with treating the house like a doss house. I'd get rid, it's disgusting. My DH now is clean and does his share of the tidying, it's bliss.
GreenManalishi · 24/09/2022 18:01
You're sleeping on the sofa to be away from this lazy, dirty, stinker, and for me that's not far enough. Different postcodes at a minimum. Leave him to fester, show your son that it's not good enough.
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