My husband is lazy and it's driving me insane

[Ek232]

I don't even know where to start with this tbh.

My husband acts like a slob and I've tried everything I can think of to get him to try harder or to lower my standards but it's getting to breaking point. He's always been on the lazy side but it's getting too much for me to deal with.

He has really poor personal hygiene. He doesn't wash very often despite having a job where he gets dirty. He smells and tries to cover it with body spray - which really doesn't work. Plus he's visibly dirty a lot of the time. His hands are often grubby and he gets lines on the back if his neck which are gross. He leaves dirty finger marks on the banister and door handles etc until I nag him to wash his hands. We don't have sex because he smells. I usually end up sleeping on the sofa most nights because he's dirty and smelly. The pillow cases are stained because he sweats on them.

I've told him - nicely and not as nicely- that he smells. I've said I won't have sex with him unless he washes and brushes his teeth better. He just says I'm being bitchy. Earlier, I was cleaning and went to wipe the bannister which was filthy again and I complained that it shouldn't get that dirty so often and he denied it was him. Apparently he never touches the bannister. (Our son is 14 so it's not even toddler grubby fingers).

He doesn't get changed when he comes jn and will sit around in dirty clothes for weeks without washing them.

His attitude to housework is pretty much the same as his attitude to his personal hygiene. He dumps things everywhere. Dirty socks all over. Rubbish overflowing. He never puts anything away. If I ask him to help with housework his answer is always 'but the house isn't that messy' or 'but noones coming'. I can't live in a mess so I end up doing all the housework myself. Only for him to leave keys and rubbish and everything else everywhere.

It's the hygiene thing that's bothering me the most. It's a Saturday and I just want to sit and watch a film and snuggle tonight but I know I can't because he smells. I'll probably be sleeping om the sofa because he doesn't think he's dirty enough to shower. He hasn't showered in a full week.

He doesn't think any of this is his problem. I'm being ' a bitch' or I 'have ocd' etc. Sometimes it's like he takes a weird pride In his laziness. He went to kiss me the other day and I wasn't even trying to react but I instinctively pulled away because the smell was too much. He laughed and said 'oh yeah. Not brushed my teeth today...maybe not even yesterday ' then breathed in my face.

I honestly don't think I can take much more. It feels so silly to be considering divorce because he won't shower but this is where we're at.

I've tried suggesting we shower together. I've tried running him baths for when he gets home. Nothing works and tbh it's exhausting to constantly be thinking of ways to get him to wash.

It's not a mental health thing - he's always been lazy but it's getting worse/bothering me more. It's not sensory. When he's kn the bath or shower he can spend hours in there. It's more a 'can't be bothered' thing.

[LMCOA]

@Ek232

He's being abusive. Just leave or better still get him out. You don't deserve this.

My previous marriage was abusive (physically, financially, emotionally) and I have such a hard time equating my husbands behaviour with being abusive. Even though I know deep down it probably is.

Sweetheart, he most definitely is being abusive. I'm glad you are starting to see it how it is.

I think you know what you've got to do - for you and your child's sake. I work for the church, and I would ALWAYS advise trying to sort things out first, before going down the divorce road, but honestly, it's clear you have tried and it's clear that he is not going to change.

Also, he needs professional help.

[catscutewhiskers]

Yuk.
Explain to him that he either starts washing regularly or you will divorce him. If he doesn't change then divorce him. He may well have mental health issues and/or underlying neurodivergence but I couldn't live like that. I would get mental health issues myself if I did so I'd have to divorce him. Ultimately it's his choice though.

[Fairislefandango]

I'm no clean freak, but this is not at all trivial, OP. He's not only massively disrespectful to you, there appear to be clear signs that he actually enjoys inflicting his filthiness on you and likes the fact that you're upset and repulsed by it. That's unquestionably abusive. Please get rid of this horror of a man!

[Backtonormalnow]

Do other people notice? What about his friends/family/workmates?

I don’t suppose it makes any difference to him as he obviously has no shame but just wondering.

[Climbingthelaundrymountain]

My husband is extremely lazy. Luckily not in the personal hygiene department. But lazy around the house and with the children. He doesn't live here any more because I couldn't take it any longer.

[PermanentTemporary]

I think the fact that you are actually having to sleep on the sofa to get away from him says it's over.

I also wouldn't worry much about the cause. Maybe it's a mental health problem, maybe it isn't. The effect on you is the same. It's up to him to sort himself out if it's a problem.

I'm afraid I would also make sure in the future (maybe not now) to spend some time explaining to your son why it's come to this. Is he your son's dad? He will no doubt have a version of events to tell your son - I would perhaps have some therapy yourself to think about how to talk this through with your boy. He needs to understand the consequences of that kind of passive-aggressive behaviour.

[TheProvincialLady]

Don’t bother trying to make him change, threatening divorce if he doesn’t change, helping him to change, explaining the impact on you if he doesn’t change.

Just get legal advice, divorce him and get the stinking idiot out of your house ASAP. Your life will be so much better and so will your son’s.

Phone the solicitor at 9am tomorrow morning. You cannot do this too quickly!

[MackenCheese]

Oh this is an easy one. The marriage is over. Leave.

[Vikinga]

Yuck. You cant continue living with someone like this op. And your poor son.

[Frances0911]

Is he on the spectrum or does he have an undiagnosed learning disabilty? I have a famiky member who is both, and his hygiene is as you describe of your husband. My advice would be to divorce him, I don't think he will change, and you will live your whole life feeling as you do now.

[ehb102]

Sound like how hoarding disorder affects loved ones.

It doesn't matter why he does what he does, what does matter is that you have boundaries.

I'm really sorry, but kicking him out is the way to go. If a DP won't do something easy just to save their partner pain and discomfort, then they are at best selfish and at worst sadistic.

And prepare yourself for "I didn't realise you meant it."

[GarlicCrackers]

I divorced my exhusband - one of the reasons I listed was “doesn’t shower or brush teeth”

[MarieIVanArkleStinks]

@Pansypotter123

He laughed and said 'oh yeah. Not brushed my teeth today...maybe not even yesterday ' then breathed in my face.

That's abusive in itself. Just nasty.

Hideous. Nor would I accept being called a 'bitch'. By anyone. I'd find living with him intolerable.

[FishFingerSandwiches4Tea]

I read your OP with an open mind - you know, always two sides, maybe you are OCD yadda yadda. But then I read that bit about the not brushing teeth and breathing in your face. Vom. Absolutely hideous. This won't improve. Leave.

[ValerieDoonican]

Calling you bitchy and OCD for a perfectly natrmal, visceral response to his dirt,one that 99% of people would have,and laughing at you suggests he wnjoys making you uncomfortable. It is definitely not the action of someone who actually cares about you.

And if he doesn't care about you, this marriage is not a safe place for you IMO.

[BMW6]

Christ alive what a piss poor specimen to be with. Get yourself free OP. Raise your bar next time and don't take anyone who has no respect for you, or themselves for that matter.

Bleaugh.

[Greenginghamdress]

I need to give you my first LTB.

I have a high tolerance for other people's shitty behaviour, but this is just awful. Disrespectful and disgusting.

I'm sorry you are in this position and hope you manage to leave.

[Authentic2020]

It doesn't seem like he has any self-awareness.

Make him read this thread.

[TheHoover]

I feel sick reading your description.
Do you think, if by some miracle, he started showering properly more than once a day and cleaning his teeth, you could still see yourself with him?
If yes, he may be worth an ultimatum.
If no…..well pps have said it all.

[PinkPupZ]

My ex did this and that was on top of cheating (and he wasn't washing for them either). He only cared about himself basically.

[ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp]

What a foul creature.

How on earth have you stayed for so long??

Please leave him in his own stench and bacteria bath and get to a higher more sanitary place asap.

[PermanentTemporary]

In what world would showing him the thread achieve anything? Well, unless you definitely want to terminate the relationship as quickly as possible.

[silentpool]

Leave him OP. This is a horrible way to live.

[Pansypotter123]

Does he work outside of the home? Dues he gave friends? What do friends/colleagues say to him?

[Pansypotter123]

Does he have